dumpsterfire
my melody
- Jul 19, 2023
- 32
man, that sounds so dumb but i feel like every breath i take is more and more disgusting. i found out that the guy i was talking to only wants the idea of a 'mentally ill gf' and doesn't actually care about me as a person, just wants a sad egirl with tits. god i wish i didn't have reasons to not ctb because istg the thought of hanging myself sounds so comforting. i don't know how else to describe it but knowing i can just not be makes me feel a little better. I managed to clean some of my room and i ate a normal amount of food today but those little victories aren't celebrated in my mind. all i can think of is how i never finished picking up the 7water bottles ranging from half full to mildly empty from my bedside table and how i never folded my laundry and how i havent showered yet and how i never practiced guitar and how i didnt clean my bathroom and how i dont have the energy to work out tn so i'll look pudgy tomorrow. i wish i had the balls to slice off my thighs to give myself a thigh gap, a few weeks ago my aunt's cousin called me skinny-fat and it made me want to starve myself until i died, or at least lost half of my weight so i could effortlessly glide into an xs. i always self sabatoge whenever i get to a decent point in my life, n im tired of being called a 'real one'. i hate the stupid fucking term, just tell me thank you and get on with your life. my boxspring collapsed because it's older than i am, so im sleeping at a mild U shape. i know my mom is telling everyone she knows about all of my mistakes in exaggerated detail just by how her friends look at me now, and it makes me want to never go outside, which honestly wouldnt be a bad thing because my mild tan just makes me look yellow. i wish i had a pen, bud, hell even just delta to take the edge off so i could float into comforting warmth. I could smell someone smoking in their car yesterday and it gave me a mild sense of that comfort and i wish i could just engulf myself in the smell. god i sound like im addicted to crack or something. one thing fs, when im at the station i'll be higher than a kite before i ctb and finally be able to not breathe.
