I can't do it

[OnMyLast Legs]

Post in thread 'i wish i had the guts to commit suicide. does anyone else?' https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...-suicide-does-anyone-else.232985/post-3373652

There's a long road ahead of me. But I reached a breaking point this morning. The fact is that I can't kill myself and continuing to ruminate about it only causes more pain. I have to point my mind in the direction of less pain. The more I try to summon the courage for suicide, the weaker I get. I have no choice but to try to live well. Starting where I am, which is bad, but not awful. It's not like I'm an indebted farmer in the developing world. I am in comfortable suburban surroundings with people who see good in me. I'm not terribly old. There must be a way forward. Because the OTHER way, the DEAD way, is blocked to me.

 

[MapleS]

I get thia, good luck

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm glad you give recovery a chance. Good luck!

 

[capi]

I hope you can find ways to recover
Rumination of suicide is highly traumatizing.
I relate to everything you have said. Life is really "get over it, or die" and sometimes our pain and search for a one single truth can blind us. Nothing to be ashamed of when you felt so tired and exhausted.

When I tried to recover, here is what helped me, and it may help you, because I relate to you in so many ways.
It focuses on self-acceptance and growth, rather than basic positivity talk:
Stoicism: Letters from a Stoic
Four Noble Truths from Buddhism (im not trying to push religion, you dont have to read into the reincarnation stuff, it just provides a good spiritual framework) and from that, the path.
Logotherapy: "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankly
Absurdism: The Myth of Sisyphus (though i have my trites with it lol)
For trauma and scientific based work, internal family systems work a lot as well.

and to be sweet, i also highly recommend watching bojack horseman as it displays so many life lessons well, especially for people with a lot of regret and living a constant inner battle.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Well shit. My epiphany didn't make me feel much better. Anxiety is still high. Don't know what to do with my time.

 

[violetforever]

thats great i hope u find ur way.

 

[RiftbornVeil]

It takes such immense courage to make a choice. And although this one may feel overwhelming and painful, I truly hope you come to find peace through it. Have faith in yourself, and best of luck <3

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

Hang in there...... We all support you no matter what

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I am in such a crazy amount of pain but maybe the morning will be better. I'm gonna have clean sheets for the first time in months. That's a W.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I need a miraculous night of sleep. Tomorrow has to be different.

 

[Waterfall500]

I need a miraculous night of sleep. Tomorrow has to be different.

Damn... just logged on to say something similar. Ive to wake up in 3 hours and I just dont see it happening

I need a miraculous night of sleep. Tomorrow has to be different.

Hope your good anyway. I'll be thinking of you

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

The sleep was less than miraculous. I "attempted" this morning, really just theater. I told my dad and gave him my rope. I called mental health services. I feel very trapped now. I couldn't do it, but not having my mental crutch is hard. I'm very sick.

 

[capi]

The sleep was less than miraculous. I "attempted" this morning, really just theater. I told my dad and gave him my rope. I called mental health services. I feel very trapped now. I couldn't do it, but not having my mental crutch is hard. I'm very sick.

Are you planning to go to the ward? Im not sure i recommend it. I suggest Intensive Outpatient Programs (iop) for intensive therapy.
Living without a clutch is really horrible. Nauseating. When youre in cases of severe panic i would suggest some form of medication as well just to cope before you can put your head back on. we're here for you

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Are you planning to go to the ward? Im not sure i recommend it. I suggest Intensive Outpatient Programs (iop) for intensive therapy.
Living without a clutch is really horrible. Nauseating. When youre in cases of severe panic i would suggest some form of medication as well just to cope before you can put your head back on. we're here for you

I don't want to do inpatient because I have obligations right now. It would blow up wrestling season for the kids I coach. Maybe I could make some desperate gambit to have some teacher or coach who doesn't even know the sport cover for me/supervise but it would be very irregular and impose on my boss & colleagues. Also I've been to the ward before and there's no secret sauce there. Right now just admitting my suicidality and talking to people is relieving my stress somewhat. Suffering is down from like a 9 to an 8 and that's what I have to live with. There's no "instant good life" button. Thanks for your support

 

[capi]

I don't want to do inpatient because I have obligations right now. It would blow up wrestling season for the kids I coach. Maybe I could make some desperate gambit to have some teacher or coach who doesn't even know the sport cover for me/supervise but it would be very irregular and impose on my boss & colleagues. Also I've been to the ward before and there's no secret sauce there. Right now just admitting my suicidality and talking to people is relieving my stress somewhat. Suffering is down from like a 9 to an 8 and that's what I have to live with. There's no "instant good life" button. Thanks for your support

Well, theres online IOPs that are specifically designed to work around work as well. 3 hour sessions some days of the week. Im sure you can choose the timeblocks as well.
Its a lot of work, be kind to yourself!