I had a partner for 3 years who I loved more than anyone I'd ever met before and my whole world was so much more meaningful with him, we shared a love of philosophy and started to merge our lives together but he always had really bad ADHD and was irresponsible and would repeatedly let me down. I felt really small and unseen specifically because of the amount he would talk when we were together even when I told him to try to slow it down. he owed me money for the last year and a half, he would pay me back some in increments but the amount would always go back up, he still owes me it to this day. the 3rd year of that relationship, last year, I slowly developed feelings for a "friend" that I tried to put to the side in pursuit of just a friendship. they gave me mixed signals and would excitedly start reading projects with me just to cancel them. their life plans constantly seemed to shift and they were unstable. I always felt like their body language felt like it was indicating attraction but I slowly accepted that their flakiness probably meant I didn't mean that much to them and put it to rest and stopped contacting them for the most part, it became very sparse, and was only when we would run into each other in real life. they would still continue to make promises to me about things we would do and never follow through.
my actual relationship only got worse after this. I communicated to him about my unhappiness and asked for help with the things I felt betrayed by and gave him so many chances. I moved out due to our problems living together and he became extremely avoidant. any time I would try to bring up problems with him he would avoid me. I felt so hopeless and all of the people in my life thought at some point that I should break up with him but I kept drawing it out because I really wanted it to work. he lost his job and wouldn't communicate with me or his roommate about his finances and eventually got evicted.
at the start of my class semester the other person showed up in my space and started mirroring me really hard. talked to me about (my areas of interest) in philosophy specifically and brought up doing a reading project with me again. they told me they thought we should talk about our relationship because they thought we were fundamentally miscommunicating about something. I stupidly basically thought they were implying they were a flake because they liked me but I was in a relationship.
I then broke up with my partner and had them over and we talked about things, they told me they had feelings for me the entire time, wanted to be in a monogamous relationship with me, wanted to help me through my grief from the other relationship, etc. we spent the night together (I was the one to initiate this not them), then the next day they told me they lost all feelings for me overnight. they offered to stay friends which I rejected. they stopped showing up to class they were in with me entirely. this was 3 months ago now and I've spent the time slowly growing less and less confused and matching a striking amount of their behaviors up with covert NPD and realized that they did manipulate and lie to me about various things throughout the entire time I knew them. this was confirmed by their friend, who I am ultimately also suspicious of but for this I kind of trust that they're right.
It is so fucking hard to idealize someone for a period of time and then realize that they saw you as a prop just to feel something for a moment, because you start to take their perspective of you seriously on an emotional level. every day I wake up and I feel so nauseated and unworthy of love. I feel less than human, I feel like nothing. I feel like I don't deserve to eat, take care of myself, etc. I don't think I will ever meet anyone who matters to me as much as either of them again.
my ex is only ever a jackass to me now despite the fact I would try to fix things with him, be his friend, etc if he wanted that. I think he's resentful that I left him but I really didn't feel like I had a choice. It's not even that I don't want to be here, I just don't know how to handle living after this. this trauma will not leave me. I feel like I lost everything, I have nothing. no one cares about me. I try to make friends and people just stop responding. if I didn't make the extra effort to show up to work or school no one would ever ask about my existence again.
my actual relationship only got worse after this. I communicated to him about my unhappiness and asked for help with the things I felt betrayed by and gave him so many chances. I moved out due to our problems living together and he became extremely avoidant. any time I would try to bring up problems with him he would avoid me. I felt so hopeless and all of the people in my life thought at some point that I should break up with him but I kept drawing it out because I really wanted it to work. he lost his job and wouldn't communicate with me or his roommate about his finances and eventually got evicted.
at the start of my class semester the other person showed up in my space and started mirroring me really hard. talked to me about (my areas of interest) in philosophy specifically and brought up doing a reading project with me again. they told me they thought we should talk about our relationship because they thought we were fundamentally miscommunicating about something. I stupidly basically thought they were implying they were a flake because they liked me but I was in a relationship.
I then broke up with my partner and had them over and we talked about things, they told me they had feelings for me the entire time, wanted to be in a monogamous relationship with me, wanted to help me through my grief from the other relationship, etc. we spent the night together (I was the one to initiate this not them), then the next day they told me they lost all feelings for me overnight. they offered to stay friends which I rejected. they stopped showing up to class they were in with me entirely. this was 3 months ago now and I've spent the time slowly growing less and less confused and matching a striking amount of their behaviors up with covert NPD and realized that they did manipulate and lie to me about various things throughout the entire time I knew them. this was confirmed by their friend, who I am ultimately also suspicious of but for this I kind of trust that they're right.
It is so fucking hard to idealize someone for a period of time and then realize that they saw you as a prop just to feel something for a moment, because you start to take their perspective of you seriously on an emotional level. every day I wake up and I feel so nauseated and unworthy of love. I feel less than human, I feel like nothing. I feel like I don't deserve to eat, take care of myself, etc. I don't think I will ever meet anyone who matters to me as much as either of them again.
my ex is only ever a jackass to me now despite the fact I would try to fix things with him, be his friend, etc if he wanted that. I think he's resentful that I left him but I really didn't feel like I had a choice. It's not even that I don't want to be here, I just don't know how to handle living after this. this trauma will not leave me. I feel like I lost everything, I have nothing. no one cares about me. I try to make friends and people just stop responding. if I didn't make the extra effort to show up to work or school no one would ever ask about my existence again.
