encore
when stars align
- Nov 14, 2024
- 104
day number 3 or 4 of me being in the worst depressive episode i've ever experienced in my entire life. somehow still functional but my brain and body are on fire. feelings are quite literally bigger than i am, and it feels like im about to die or my heart is about to stop from how heavy it all is. the sense of worthlessness, irreparability, feeling like a monster in human skin. i noticed i became more hateful towards others as well. constantly tired. lonely. feeling wounded. worst most painful longing for human touch and connection i've ever had.
anyway, being in this pit almost fully alone has made me realize something i already knew, but now it's confirmed. i cannot extended kindness, compassion, happiness towards others if i can't feel the same way about myself. if im bitter with myself, i become bitter with others. if i hate myself, i hate others. if i want to die, i want others to be dead, too. obviously i have a degree of agency over it and i still choose not to be an asshole, but internally i'm full of hate. it's poisoning me and yet i don't see a way out.
i feel like i traumatized myself, or was traumatized by my circumstances ever since this started. nobody being there to help me and having to endure the pain alone is now evoking similar mental symptoms i experienced when being faced with other trauma related triggers. it fucking sucks to feel like you're acquiring new trauma as days go by, and yet i can't do anything about it.
i'm so tired. i'm doing so much hard work just to not die. i want to cry every second of the day but im forced to stay here both out of fear and me lacking methods. i just want to be acknowledged, taken care of and made to feel like i will never be alone again.
i want it all to finally end. i want to rest. for the first time in my life.
anyway, being in this pit almost fully alone has made me realize something i already knew, but now it's confirmed. i cannot extended kindness, compassion, happiness towards others if i can't feel the same way about myself. if im bitter with myself, i become bitter with others. if i hate myself, i hate others. if i want to die, i want others to be dead, too. obviously i have a degree of agency over it and i still choose not to be an asshole, but internally i'm full of hate. it's poisoning me and yet i don't see a way out.
i feel like i traumatized myself, or was traumatized by my circumstances ever since this started. nobody being there to help me and having to endure the pain alone is now evoking similar mental symptoms i experienced when being faced with other trauma related triggers. it fucking sucks to feel like you're acquiring new trauma as days go by, and yet i can't do anything about it.
i'm so tired. i'm doing so much hard work just to not die. i want to cry every second of the day but im forced to stay here both out of fear and me lacking methods. i just want to be acknowledged, taken care of and made to feel like i will never be alone again.
i want it all to finally end. i want to rest. for the first time in my life.
