It's very sad, but I get why it happens.
I can't feel anymore, or rather, I feel less and less as time goes on. I can only observe. The hatred. The betrayal. The memories of partners cheating on me, friends saying that they'd stay forever, but finally leaving. Calling me cute nicknames, chatting me every day, only to suddenly vanish and block me, and/or plain ghost me. To have friends turn into enemies. To cease existence in someone else's life. To realize that someone had been lying all along on their ideals, and they actually think people like me shouldn't exist. That I've been used, only because I had something they temporarily wanted until they could find some replacement. That I was only an object, and never anything else, even if I felt so deeply in love with them.
The same goes for relatives. There was so much sweetness and kindness, but in the end it was all covered in lies and fakeness. Hypocrisy. None of them regret anything. They would do it everything over again the exact same way. They would still repeatedly criticize me and tell me I suck, no matter how much or hard I cry or beg for mercy on my soul.
Jokes made at my expense, people laughing while I suffer in pain.
People experiencing pleasure on my pain, and on others' pain. Sadism. Of all kinds. Not only I have gone through such experiences... others have too. And all I can do is observe it. I cannot change it. I cannot modify it. I cannot remove it. Even after I'm gone, all of these things will continue. Even after all the people I've met in my generation all vanish... everything will still continue.
So it makes sense I don't feel anymore. That I just do. That I just work, that I just do hobbies. That even the passion I put in my projects is simply there, without any feelings whatsoever. That I'm just passing time... until my time finally comes.
I can't feel anymore, or rather, I feel less and less as time goes on. I can only observe. The hatred. The betrayal. The memories of partners cheating on me, friends saying that they'd stay forever, but finally leaving. Calling me cute nicknames, chatting me every day, only to suddenly vanish and block me, and/or plain ghost me. To have friends turn into enemies. To cease existence in someone else's life. To realize that someone had been lying all along on their ideals, and they actually think people like me shouldn't exist. That I've been used, only because I had something they temporarily wanted until they could find some replacement. That I was only an object, and never anything else, even if I felt so deeply in love with them.
The same goes for relatives. There was so much sweetness and kindness, but in the end it was all covered in lies and fakeness. Hypocrisy. None of them regret anything. They would do it everything over again the exact same way. They would still repeatedly criticize me and tell me I suck, no matter how much or hard I cry or beg for mercy on my soul.
Jokes made at my expense, people laughing while I suffer in pain.
People experiencing pleasure on my pain, and on others' pain. Sadism. Of all kinds. Not only I have gone through such experiences... others have too. And all I can do is observe it. I cannot change it. I cannot modify it. I cannot remove it. Even after I'm gone, all of these things will continue. Even after all the people I've met in my generation all vanish... everything will still continue.
So it makes sense I don't feel anymore. That I just do. That I just work, that I just do hobbies. That even the passion I put in my projects is simply there, without any feelings whatsoever. That I'm just passing time... until my time finally comes.
