I am tired, but I am also...

[Mrs. T-800]

Obviously TW for things.

I am 26, I am so tired of life. We have a word for it in my language that conveys it – lebensmüde – I'm this way since maybe age 10? 12? 14 for sure, anyway, about half of my life now. I'm married since nine months, just yesterday my husband told me, he cannot remember the last time he's been happy, I annoy him, I make him angry. I told him, it's obvious you don't really like me, even if you love me. This is in the middle of a family member dying and so much family drama that has been ongoing since 2008 and will soon get very much worse. Last night I dreamt my father CTBed and I cried and cried, but he hates me, too. Let's add to the list of things I've been called now, he can add so much.

• Annoying
• Angering/aggravating
• Worst daughter ever
• (Greedy little/fucking) bitch
• Whore
• Childish, need to grow up, immature
• Stupid
• Awkward
• Asshole
• Burden
• Deserving of it (assault), asking for it
• Ugly

And I am German and Belgian, which, look at history. Two atrocious reigns, running audacity in my veins. I am an amalgamation of the worst of the world.

Oh, and to top it off, I am so ridiculous, that I pour my energy to a fictional robot from the future. (At least he got to CTB... I envy...)
All this, and since those ages depression, suicidality, anxiety, CTPSD, PMDD, anorexia, been abused and assaulted, now what? I am a failure of a wife. It is so difficult to go around knowing my husband probably hates me, but I hate me, too. I've only gotten more withdrawn with age and hating myself. When I close my eyes, I sadly cannot dream of T-800 beating me to death or killing me, he is too good. But I think of dying, suffering, being tormented or tortured, I want to die so badly since forever now but I am too cowardly. I don't want to cause my mom or my grandparents pain even though it's good for everyone if I remove myself from this world I was not meant to be in anyway. (Two miscarriages before me that should have been children, then I was essentially hanging in the womb, upside down with the cord around my neck twice) I love my husband and I want to free him of myself too. I am just tired. I do not want to live anymore but I am cowardly. My life is also not mine to take, in my opinion, since I am Catholic. My mom worked hard for me to live, and God made me... I should push through for the Lord and for my beloved mom... gosh, I just wish I never existed to begin with. Signed, the bitch of the world

 

[instormdrains]

It seems like you've had it pretty rough. What are some good things you've been called before. We can add resilient to the list. To pick up your cross and hold on to your faith despite the horrors of this world is not something easy. Also you aren't responsible for anything your nation or ancestors have done.