NSFW How to shake/detached from a sexual shame?

[goodbye-to-a-world]

So I won't get into details, but I have a fetish/paraphilia that, being realistic, I think way more people find arousing than are willing to admit due to the nature of it. I won't be sharing what it is (if you figure it out then congrats, but I'd prefer you don't try to guess in the replies. PM me if you must but like I said, this is a source of shame for me and I don't feel comfortable opening up about it publicly), but I can tell you that it isn't anything illegal, just has the potential to be morally questionable and is a bit too common to just outright avoid. Some people who are the object of desire in these instances have voiced their disgust about the fetish too (though there are some who proundly partake in it as well), because some in the general community can get uncomfortably weird about it and take things outside of kink space.

Anyway, this is a fetish I've had since I was a young teenager and in the early years it didn't consume my sexual thoughts as much as it does now and I also felt less guilty about it because I hadn't thought about the actual people involved at that time. Now that I'm older and I've thought about it more and have seen first hand accounts from people offended, I just always feel so guilty partaking in it. I usually hit a breaking point and get rid of all of my accounts associated with it and wipe my hands clean of everything, only to get urges in the following weeks and give in, reactivating my accounts and gooning away. I usually try to meet a middle ground of not consuming any content I didn't already have saved or only consuming fiction and art pertaining to it, but again, the urges happen and sooner or later I'm right back to my perversion and seeking out new stuff with real people because nothing else hits like it. Even right now I'm fighting the urge after deactivating everything the other day...

I feel so gross and so helpless. Of course fellow fetishists will say that one shouldn't feel guilty about enjoying this, but I can't help it. I feel like every time I come back to it, my desires are becoming more and more depraved and outright morally wrong. I wouldn't call myself a sex addict: I'm a virgin and I don't goon every single day, sometimes not even for weeks at a time, but when it hits it's so consuming and I can't think about anything else until I get off and then I immediately feel disgusted with myself. It's causing a massive conflict within me and is a factor affecting my overall mental health. I've been trying for so long, so many times to varying degrees of success to rid myself of this. I'm also concerned about any potential future dating (unlikely chance, but never zero I suppose). I wouldn't want to hide it because it's a big part of my arousal, but I also wouldn't want to say anything because I know how odd it is and most people tend to misunderstand the fetish and I'm worried I would 1000% be judged or even straight up humiliated or degraded over it.

I know you can't just "get rid" of a fetish, but is there anything I can do to at least make coping with this easier on myself? I feel like this has been a big hurdle making recovery difficult for me.

 

[martyrdom]

I know you can't just "get rid" of a fetish

Actually you can. Fetishes are not inherent, they're developed. If you feel guilt and shame about it there's probably a reason for it and you can look into methods for working through/getting rid of harmful fetishes and paraphilias, neuroplasticity is a thing and orgasm is a powerful conditioning tool for such things. It's why a lot of pornbrained losers end up seeking out more and more extreme content that escalates into illegal evil shit when they (self-admittedly) never originally had those fetishes.

 

[underairpressure]

I don't have the mental wherewithal right now to get into an argument with the above poster, but I will say that fetishism and the way it develops in our brains (and why) is often more complicated than just conditioning. From my understand, fear, disgust, and shame often play major roles in it as well, sexualization seems to be a way some people's brains try and deal with those emotions. Could be fine and healthy, or not not healthy, depending on how one deals with it, I guess.

Either way, I don't think guilt helps. It won't help you 'quit' or move away from your fetish, and it won't help you find peace otherwise either. Easier said than done, and I wish I had some kind of solid advice for getting there........ I struggle a bit with this myself. All I can say is that as long as you treat others as humans and respect their lives/selves/situations, it's fine, people are weird, our sexuality and brains and bodies are all weird, and fantasy is just fantasy. There is not always a "slippery slope" like people like to fearmonger about, that DOES happen with some people but I believe that's more of an issue of "compulsion" than of sexuality itself.

And, hey, maybe letting go of shame could allow your mind to stop fixating enough to lose interest, move onto other things (I've seen this happen before!). Or, not. Still better than suffering needlessly.

The best thing that ever happened to me was finding other people with 'weird' sexual interests, who weren't ashamed and had people in their life who weren't judgemental, even if they didn't understand. Whether in person or online. Again, something easier said than done, but still.

 

[goodbye-to-a-world]

Actually you can. Fetishes are not inherent, they're developed. If you feel guilt and shame about it there's probably a reason for it and you can look into methods for working through/getting rid of harmful fetishes and paraphilias, neuroplasticity is a thing and orgasm is a powerful conditioning tool for such things. It's why a lot of pornbrained losers end up seeking out more and more extreme content that escalates into illegal evil shit when they (self-admittedly) never originally had those fetishes.

I know they're developed, but everything I've seen said you can't just get rid of it (as in just ignore it or just stop and it works) because of how it becomes overwhelmingly necessary for gratification. I also feel like my case isn't necessarily an escalation. Even my "darker" fantasies regarding it still strictly involve this specific thing and I feel like in cases of those escalations, it's sex/porn addiction, which is not what I'm dealing with. Quite the opposite actually. I'm actually extremely sex repulsed and I don't watch porn unless I'm feeling extra autistic and bored to do the one thing people famously never do and rate videos on their plots and acting and camera work.

Pretty much ever since I began exploring sexually, this is the only thing that's ever done it for me. I think my "escalation" is more of my more "mainstream" kinks (as in things I find attractive but don't absolutely need for gratification) blending into this fetish. It's more of an accessory than anything.

I don't think my fetish is wrong per se, like I mentioned, I think more people find it arousing than they let on and I've even seen some very vanilla people admit to that, although they tuck it away and never explore it because it can be seen as taboo and strange and their main sexual gratification comes through normal means. My guilt lies more with the societal connotation and the othering I feel internally, along with the nature of most content not being created for fetish purposes at all. I just came here hoping that maybe someone had dealt with something similar as most of my searches haven't helped.

 

[martyrdom]

but everything I've seen said you can't just get rid of it (as in just ignore it or just stop and it works)

Well you can get rid of it, if you've read stuff mainly from other fetishists that's most likely what they're gonna say, that you can't, but science proves otherwise. Stop indulging in it and train your brain to find pleasure in something normal. There are more elaborate and more helpful exercises for all that, you can look it up but thats the essence of it. Unless you don't really want to get rid of it and just want to get rid of the shame, which I can't and won't help you with.

I don't think my fetish is wrong per se, like I mentioned, I think more people find it arousing than they let on and I've even seen some very vanilla people admit to that,

A fetish being common or more people finding it arousing doesn't mean it's not wrong, quite a large percentage of people get off to rape for example and it's still disgusting.

I'm actually extremely sex repulsed and I don't watch porn unless I'm feeling extra autistic and bored to do the one thing people famously never do and rate videos on their plots and acting and camera work.

Great, the next step would be to stop supporting that vile industry totally, as a start, due to the immeasurable harm it has done with trafficking, rape, etc.

 

[goodbye-to-a-world]

I don't have the mental wherewithal right now to get into an argument with the above poster, but I will say that fetishism and the way it develops in our brains (and why) is often more complicated than just conditioning. From my understand, fear, disgust, and shame often play major roles in it as well, sexualization seems to be a way some people's brains try and deal with those emotions. Could be fine and healthy, or not not healthy, depending on how one deals with it, I guess.

Either way, I don't think guilt helps. It won't help you 'quit' or move away from your fetish, and it won't help you find peace otherwise either. Easier said than done, and I wish I had some kind of solid advice for getting there........ I struggle a bit with this myself. All I can say is that as long as you treat others as humans and respect their lives/selves/situations, it's fine, people are weird, our sexuality and brains and bodies are all weird, and fantasy is just fantasy. There is not always a "slippery slope" like people like to fearmonger about, that DOES happen with some people but I believe that's more of an issue of "compulsion" than of sexuality itself.

And, hey, maybe letting go of shame could allow your mind to stop fixating enough to lose interest, move onto other things (I've seen this happen before!). Or, not. Still better than suffering needlessly.

The best thing that ever happened to me was finding other people with 'weird' sexual interests, who weren't ashamed and had people in their life who weren't judgemental, even if they didn't understand. Whether in person or online. Again, something easier said than done, but still.

Yeah, I'd absolutely never cross that line, shame or no shame. Fet/kink stuff stays in fet/kink space at all times. I've tried to go on without that guilt. It's a constant battle actually. I constantly teeter between "my sexual proclivities are mine and I'm not hurting anyone or doing anything illegal so hell yeah let's goon" and "I feel like such a shitty person for enjoying this and this wasn't the intention they had of posting these videos and I'm doing a bad thing and I should just go be a nun and think about what I've done and atone"

I seriously envy those in my "community" that just enjoy without the shame. Most of them either got extremely lucky and found someone that at the very least will indulge their fantasies even if they personally aren't that into it or are like me and just kind of accept that the average person would probably be very weirded out or even turned off and maybe even disgusted by this fetish, but they just live it anyway. I don't know why I can't get to that point of just letting it be, but I'm like this in other areas of my life too, so I guess that's just something I gotta work through on a broader scale ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

 

[martyrdom]

"I feel like such a shitty person for enjoying this and this wasn't the intention they had of posting these videos

I mean yeah if you're jerking off to random videos of people they never intended to be sexual that's really fucked up. That's a violation. It's not just fantasy anymore since you're actually involving other people who never consented to that nor intended their personal moments to be used by a gooner. People are not content for you to consume.

All I can say is that as long as you treat others as humans and respect their lives/selves/situations, it's fine, people are weird, our sexuality and brains and bodies are all weird, and fantasy is just fantasy. There is not always a "slippery slope" like people like to fearmonger about, that DOES happen with some people but I believe that's more of an issue of "compulsion" than of sexuality itself.

It's not fearmongering, it's statistics lol. And we are human beings who can (allegedly) control ourselves and our impulses and how we choose to behave, what we choose to indulge in and so on. We don't have to indulge every little piece of bullshit our brain conjures up just with the excuse of "sexuality is weird and bodies are weird and fantasy is harmless" and guilt/shame is sometimes warranted, that's why it exists. Fetishes don't exist in a vacuum that affects literally nothing else you do in your life or how you perceive people around you, especially when it comes to disgusting misogynistic fetishes (eroticization of abuse and female oppression), "race play" (eroticization of racism), pedophilia (self explanatory) and all that other stuff, which I assume is not OP's fetishes but they're an obvious example of what I mean.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I feel like every time I come back to it, my desires are becoming more and more depraved and outright morally wrong. I wouldn't call myself a sex addict: I'm a virgin and I don't goon every single day, sometimes not even for weeks at a time, but when it hits it's so consuming and I can't think about anything else until I get off and then I immediately feel disgusted with myself.

Respectfully, that's like saying "I'm not addicted to drugs! I don't do it all the time, it's just that every time I do, the urge to go so far that I overdose gets stronger!"

You're describing an "atypical" addiction.

Also, I can't really give tips without knowing the exact paraphilia. Sorry. It really depends on each one.

 

[luvpup]

what, is it some kind of rape fetish? if you feel shameful about it then you should do what that other poster said and work to train your brain out of liking it.
i have a heavy feeling your shame is just gonna make u feel more trapped and maybe even make things feel more degenerate as time goes on, or maybe you could even try to find a sexual pleasure in that too just to cope with it, been there done that before
we could say, 'well if it's just fantasy its not that bad a lot of people have it just keep it to yourself or relevant people' but if YOU are afraid that it will go further or YOU are struggling to draw the line in the sand for yourself, then maybe thats where the guilt or shame is stemming from?
we can never rly know we arent in your head but
in my experience the only way 2 deal with it is to either bc largely shameless about it somehow except for in times when its necessary (through reasoning or community or something...) or, like other poster said, get rid of it by actively working to un-normalize it or something

im not a doctor tho im totally uneducated this is js my opinion as a person with tons of freakish fucked up fetishes and kinks
if it is that tho, you could always try telling yourself 'its not real, the reason this is working for me is because i know its fantasy and it's a safe controlled environment. actually doing this to someone / having this happen to me would be genuinely awful and horrific because it would be real life. i know i don't want that. instead, it's just a way to explore an extreme of control / giving up control in a safer environment and that is not a problem'

but if the guilt is stemming from u thinking 'omg... what if i become... a rapist...' then u could prolly try thinking, why you even think you'd do that. and if ur reaction in ur head is OMG I WOULD NEVER DO THAT THO!! then you need to make yourself convicted of that (assuming that you are not going to actively try training your brain out of needing that kink /fetish for getting off or whatever)

the more confident you feel in yourself and your boundaries and knowing what lines you wont cross, it might b easier on u.
but anyways without knowing the paraphilia/fetish or whatever it is its kinda hard to apply certain lines of thinking to them equally bc its all a lil different....

oh and agree w martrydom, u prolly should at the least not jerk off to videos where people didn't make it intending for it to be jerk off material or porn thats no good for them or for you as it breaches a boundary for them aaand for you and your brain (cus now you feel guilty)

 

[martyrdom]

if it is that tho, you could always try telling yourself 'its not real, the reason this is working for me is because i know its fantasy and it's a safe controlled environment. actually doing this to someone / having this happen to me would be genuinely awful and horrific because it would be real life. i know i don't want that. instead, it's just a way to explore an extreme of control / giving up control in a safer environment and that is not a problem'

but if the guilt is stemming from u thinking 'omg... what if i become... a rapist...' then u could prolly try thinking, why you even think you'd do that. and if ur reaction in ur head is OMG I WOULD NEVER DO THAT THO!! then you need to make yourself convicted of that (assuming that you are not going to actively try training your brain out of needing that kink /fetish for getting off or whatever)

If it's a rape fetish (and they get off on being the offender) I really don't think normalizing it or making it okay in someone's head just because it's a "fantasy" is good at all. It's one of the worst things that can happen to someone and it should never be eroticized, full stop, and it continues to happen every single day. It's on the same level as pedophilia to me. I don't want to live in a world where people get aroused by the idea of raping anyone, I don't want to be around those people, it should not be normalized or accepted on any level.

 

[goodbye-to-a-world]

what, is it some kind of rape fetish? if you feel shameful about it then you should do what that other poster said and work to train your brain out of liking it.
i have a heavy feeling your shame is just gonna make u feel more trapped and maybe even make things feel more degenerate as time goes on, or maybe you could even try to find a sexual pleasure in that too just to cope with it, been there done that before
we could say, 'well if it's just fantasy its not that bad a lot of people have it just keep it to yourself or relevant people' but if YOU are afraid that it will go further or YOU are struggling to draw the line in the sand for yourself, then maybe thats where the guilt or shame is stemming from?
we can never rly know we arent in your head but
in my experience the only way 2 deal with it is to either bc largely shameless about it somehow except for in times when its necessary (through reasoning or community or something...) or, like other poster said, get rid of it by actively working to un-normalize it or something

im not a doctor tho im totally uneducated this is js my opinion as a person with tons of freakish fucked up fetishes and kinks
if it is that tho, you could always try telling yourself 'its not real, the reason this is working for me is because i know its fantasy and it's a safe controlled environment. actually doing this to someone / having this happen to me would be genuinely awful and horrific because it would be real life. i know i don't want that. instead, it's just a way to explore an extreme of control / giving up control in a safer environment and that is not a problem'

but if the guilt is stemming from u thinking 'omg... what if i become... a rapist...' then u could prolly try thinking, why you even think you'd do that. and if ur reaction in ur head is OMG I WOULD NEVER DO THAT THO!! then you need to make yourself convicted of that (assuming that you are not going to actively try training your brain out of needing that kink /fetish for getting off or whatever)

the more confident you feel in yourself and your boundaries and knowing what lines you wont cross, it might b easier on u.
but anyways without knowing the paraphilia/fetish or whatever it is its kinda hard to apply certain lines of thinking to them equally bc its all a lil different....

oh and agree w martrydom, u prolly should at the least not jerk off to videos where people didn't make it intending for it to be jerk off material or porn thats no good for them or for you as it breaches a boundary for them aaand for you and your brain (cus now you feel guilty)

Not that. Like I said it isn't anything illegal or inherently harmful to others. I think it does have to do with a "controlled helplessness" sort of thing though. I'm interacting with this fetish mostly as imagining it happening to me, not to others or me inflicting it onto others unlike most others in the space. It has absolutely nothing to do with hurting others. My "darker" fantasies are just the scarier hypothetical aspects of it mixed with my normal kinks.

On the last part, I'm trying. That's what the whole original post was about, that I'm trying to quit but keep relapsing into it and I wanted to get perspective from people who may have dealt with similar feelings and in connection to their mental health struggles.

 

[luvpup]

If it's a rape fetish (and they get off on being the offender) I really don't think normalizing it or making it okay in someone's head just because it's a "fantasy" is good at all. It's one of the worst things that can happen to someone and it should never be eroticized, full stop, and it continues to happen every single day. It's on the same level as pedophilia to me. I don't want to live in a world where people get aroused by the idea of raping anyone, I don't want to be around those people, it should not be normalized or accepted on any level.

well, op, at least you know you're prolly better than me if its not a rape fetish!
i dont get off on being the offender tho does that make it ok? (this is rhetorical)

eh i dont think everyone who participates in that kinda thing is automatically 'making it okay for REAL' in their head.... although i bet there def are who do take it serious. so idk u never know. theres prolly ppl who never engage in that stuff but rape ppl anyways so... bad people will be bad people and do bad things to others
but dont worry its taboo and not respected, most ppl share ur opinion so it's def not normalized
hmmm i guess if its like u getting off to the thought of doing that to random ppl tho thats def fucked up, i never thought of it that way i only think about it in respect to my actual bfs/gfs ive had

Not that. Like I said it isn't anything illegal or inherently harmful to others. I think it does have to do with a "controlled helplessness" sort of thing though. I'm interacting with this fetish mostly as imagining it happening to me, not to others or me inflicting it onto others unlike most others in the space. It has absolutely nothing to do with hurting others. My "darker" fantasies are just the scarier hypothetical aspects of it mixed with my normal kinks.

On the last part, I'm trying. That's what the whole original post was about, that I'm trying to quit but keep relapsing into it and I wanted to get perspective from people who may have dealt with similar feelings and in connection to their mental health struggles.

hmm i see, then i think, its like any bad addiction, dont beat yourself up for relapsing! you're doing great for trying to get over the fetish anyways, and it'll be beneficial to you in the end. those things take time. i understand the desire for a 'controlled helplessness' especially if you have been taken advantage of or felt truly helpless in a situation before, some people say it feels like putting it back in their hands. but like u said, you should remind yourself that the fetish makes u feel out of control, it doesnt make you feel better ,and it causes shame and guilt. if its a bad thing for you then it's not giving you the thing you THINK it is anyways, and reminding urself that might give you more motivation to just keep trying even when u fall back down

i'm proud of u twin ur better than me lol. don't beat yourself up too much just keep going, ppl r always gonna see things like this in a harsh light. if you can get a therapist that might help too but ik u cant just 'get a therapist' tho ppl love to say that.

 

[martyrdom]

i dont get off on being the offender tho does that make it ok? (this is rhetorical)

Rape fetishes as the victim often develop due to trauma, grooming, and the general patriarchal culture that sexualizes violence, submission and power dynamics. So while you're asking a rhetorical question I fully believe it's fundamentally extremely different from fantasizing about being the offender. I don't think it's good, but I don't think it's shameful or should evoke guilt in any capacity, I view it more as self harm.

eh i dont think everyone who participates in that kinda thing is automatically 'making it okay for REAL' in their head.... although i bet there def are who do take it serious. so idk u never know. theres prolly ppl who never engage in that stuff but rape ppl anyways so... bad people will be bad people and do bad things to others
but dont worry its taboo and not respected, most ppl share ur opinion so it's def not normalized
hmmm i guess if its like u getting off to the thought of doing that to random ppl tho thats def fucked up, i never thought of it that way i only think about it in respect to my actual bfs/gfs ive had

I think you might be surprised, have you ever heard men alone during "locker room talk"?
Either way even if someone clearly separates it from reality and fantasy (which I really doubt happens in "fantasy" offenders, like you have to fundamentally not respect your partner at least on some level to get off on hurting them like this), to me it's still horrific the same way pedophilia is (even when not acted on) because it eroticizes something indescribably horrible and because it's not like they get off on the part where you say yes beforehand, they get off to rape, they'd get off on real victim's stories if they were alone, they still view people (primarily women) that way when they are aroused. And I do not want to live in a world like that at all.

 

[luvpup]

Rape fetishes as the victim often develop due to trauma, grooming, and the general patriarchal culture that sexualizes violence, submission and power dynamics. So while you're asking a rhetorical question I fully believe it's fundamentally extremely different from fantasizing about being the offender. I don't think it's good, but I don't think it's shameful or should evoke guilt in any capacity, I view it more as self harm.


I think you might be surprised, have you ever heard men alone during "locker room talk"?
Either way even if someone clearly separates it from reality and fantasy (which I really doubt happens in "fantasy" offenders, like you have to fundamentally not respect your partner at least on some level to get off on hurting them like this), to me it's still horrific the same way pedophilia is (even when not acted on) because it eroticizes something indescribably horrible and because it's not like they get off on the part where you say yes beforehand, they get off to rape, they'd get off on real victim's stories if they were alone, they still view people (primarily women) that way when they are aroused. And I do not want to live in a world like that at all.

im not smart enough to have this discussion nothing personal i js dont feel like it im not a man so i wouldnt know
id say 70% of the partners ive had who played into my rape fetish r prolly borderline rapists if not actual ones
and then like theres 30% of them who played into it but only to an extent and i wholeheartedly believe they would not do that to me nor anyone... but again, theres just no way to know that.
i do believe most ppl who prolly get off on that stuff tho r prolly more likely to degenerate into actual disrespect harm of others etc
but i would rather slit my wrists and thighs 100 times than do a fetish/kink rape scene where im the offender.. someone asked me to once and i cried LMFAOOOOOOO so...

anyways im not the best source for this at all like 0% sodont trust anything isay disregard me entirely ur prolly right or something idk idrc im still gonna do it tho my bad twin

 

[martyrdom]

im not smart enough to have this discussion nothing personal i js dont feel like it im not a man so i wouldnt know
id say 70% of the partners ive had who played into my rape fetish r prolly borderline rapists if not actual ones
and then like theres 30% of them who played into it but only to an extent and i wholeheartedly believe they would not do that to me nor anyone... but again, theres just no way to know that.
i do believe most ppl who prolly get off on that stuff tho r prolly more likely to degenerate into actual disrespect harm of others etc
but i would rather slit my wrists and thighs 100 times than do a fetish/kink rape scene where im the offender.. someone asked me to once and i cried LMFAOOOOOOO so...

anyways im not the best source for this at all like 0% sodont trust anything isay disregard me entirely ur prolly right or something idk idrc im still gonna do it tho my bad twin

Don't worry about it, I was gonna stop the discussion there anyway cause it's veering off what OP asked and I don't wanna hijack their thread. But yeah I think you see my point anyway, and I'm really sorry you had those experiences.