How to meet people with my interests IRL?

[msds]

I am autistic, which makes it very hard for me to bond with people who don't share my interests (computer programming, computing history, networking, servers, and some other hobbies)
I also have avoidant personality disorder, which makes interacting with people I don't know terrifying, and BPD, which makes all sorts of things happen.
I am also extremely paranoid when it comes to technology. I don't have any social media except some forum accounts, email, and a Matrix chat account.

With these 3 factors, it seems that it is impossible for me to meet people. I've tried meeting people online, and have some online friends, but I don't get the same things out of an online friendship as I do out of actually being with someone IRL and doing something together. I love and appreciate my online friends, but want to supplement that with IRL friends as well. I have no idea where in my area I'd go to meet people like this, and it doesn't help that I find a lot people in adjacent fields to my interests to be insufferable, and interacting with them to be draining and exhausting.

I have a couple IRL friends, and I've briefly brought this predicament up with them, and they're both all out of ideas. I've tried everything that we've been able to think of, here are some of the ideas I've tried:

• Joining a local maker space - Nobody there works on computer stuff, except one guy who is not nice to me and I dislike
• Going to bars - I hate bars. They are loud and unpleasant, and I feel like they attract precisely the opposite kind of people that I am trying to meet.
• Public library - I love my local library. But it seems I'm the only one, I'm usually pretty much the only one there, and even if I'm not I'd feel bad trying to make conversation with someone because I'd feel like I was interrupting them. (that is a recurring pattern, at any establishment I cannot talk to people because I assume I'd be interrupting them)

I've been extremely lonely for the last 5 years of my life, and I feel like if I could fix that, I could actually have a chance at recovery. It just seems that there are no places where I can meet people today, I don't know where all the people are... part of me assumes that all the people I could be friends with are just in their houses rotting in bed all day like I am. I just turned 23 years old, and I live on a university campus... Where are all the people? I was always promised this would be the part of my life where I meet new friends and go on dates, but I've spent the last 5 years completely alone. Does anyone have any ideas?? Or if anyone is in Arizona and interested in these things would you want to chat?

 

[junctionbox]

do you think your irl friends might be able to help you start a club or something? so many young adults are longing for community rn and there's a loneliness epidemic so i really don't think you're alone in this (he he). meeting people can be really hard but it can also be surprisingly easy if the right person comes along. doesn't have to be a soulmate either, just having a pal to do something with can be very fulfilling. =) i wish you good luck and don't give up. loneliness is a horrible feeling but it is so so common. i try to remember that the earth is overpopulated so there's bound to be someone for everyone, and that i could run into a new friend anytime if i just keep my eyes open.

 

[msds]

do you think your irl friends might be able to help you start a club or something? so many young adults are longing for community rn and there's a loneliness epidemic so i really don't think you're alone in this (he he). meeting people can be really hard but it can also be surprisingly easy if the right person comes along. doesn't have to be a soulmate either, just having a pal to do something with can be very fulfilling. =) i wish you good luck and don't give up. loneliness is a horrible feeling but it is so so common. i try to remember that the earth is overpopulated so there's bound to be someone for everyone, and that i could run into a new friend anytime if i just keep my eyes open.

I've tried joining and starting clubs, there are no clubs directly related to my interests where I am, and the ones that are somewhat adjacent, I have trouble connecting with the people in them. I tried starting a club but nobody showed up.

Those were university-affiliated clubs, though. I'm not sure how I would find local clubs. There are ham groups here but I'm not sure how to get involved without Facebook, and I am morally and ethically against algorithmic social media and feel absolutely violated even going on it at all, so I don't want to. I could probably connect with hams, they're super nerdy.

Also, I'm not even looking to date right now, I just want friends. I would want to date after some recovery.


I guess I kinda feel like social media is absolutely necessary if I want to participate in society. But I think I'd feel even worse if I was on it. Scratch that, I know I'd feel worse if I was on it, because I was and then I got off. It's barely even "social" at all and just made me feel awful. I think that's why my club failed. We handed out paper flyers and stuff and put ourselves on the university website, instead of making a TikTok account or whatever.

 

[yvjayvja]

I am autistic, which makes it very hard for me to bond with people who don't share my interests (computer programming, computing history, networking, servers, and some other hobbies)
I also have avoidant personality disorder, which makes interacting with people I don't know terrifying, and BPD, which makes all sorts of things happen.
I am also extremely paranoid when it comes to technology. I don't have any social media except some forum accounts, email, and a Matrix chat account.

With these 3 factors, it seems that it is impossible for me to meet people. I've tried meeting people online, and have some online friends, but I don't get the same things out of an online friendship as I do out of actually being with someone IRL and doing something together. I love and appreciate my online friends, but want to supplement that with IRL friends as well. I have no idea where in my area I'd go to meet people like this, and it doesn't help that I find a lot people in adjacent fields to my interests to be insufferable, and interacting with them to be draining and exhausting.

I have a couple IRL friends, and I've briefly brought this predicament up with them, and they're both all out of ideas. I've tried everything that we've been able to think of, here are some of the ideas I've tried:

• Joining a local maker space - Nobody there works on computer stuff, except one guy who is not nice to me and I dislike
• Going to bars - I hate bars. They are loud and unpleasant, and I feel like they attract precisely the opposite kind of people that I am trying to meet.
• Public library - I love my local library. But it seems I'm the only one, I'm usually pretty much the only one there, and even if I'm not I'd feel bad trying to make conversation with someone because I'd feel like I was interrupting them. (that is a recurring pattern, at any establishment I cannot talk to people because I assume I'd be interrupting them)

I've been extremely lonely for the last 5 years of my life, and I feel like if I could fix that, I could actually have a chance at recovery. It just seems that there are no places where I can meet people today, I don't know where all the people are... part of me assumes that all the people I could be friends with are just in their houses rotting in bed all day like I am. I just turned 23 years old, and I live on a university campus... Where are all the people? I was always promised this would be the part of my life where I meet new friends and go on dates, but I've spent the last 5 years completely alone. Does anyone have any ideas?? Or if anyone is in Arizona and interested in these things would you want to chat?

Hello! I'm a fellow programmer(the vibe coding type) however still somewhat a programmer and I would heavily recommend hackathons, just the environment for me is so fun. I like you know the 3am vibes and everyone is pretty chill, theres free food!, fun events(I love karoke), and like just in general really fun! I would heavily recommend going to a overnight one near where ever you live.

 

[msds]

Hello! I'm a fellow programmer(the vibe coding type) however still somewhat a programmer and I would heavily recommend hackathons, just the environment for me is so fun. I like you know the 3am vibes and everyone is pretty chill, theres free food!, fun events(I love karoke), and like just in general really fun! I would heavily recommend going to a overnight one near where ever you live.

The ones I have been to have been fun, but unfortunately that was back in high school where I was living in a much larger town, there aren't any hosted in the place I live in now that I have been able to find unfortunately.

At one point, I set up one myself for my high school, but I worry if I do that again now, nobody will show up, just like the failure of the club my friend and I tried to start :(
I might still make it though, just because making that kind of thing is quite fun for me.

 

[yvjayvja]

The ones I have been to have been fun, but unfortunately that was back in high school where I was living in a much larger town, there aren't any hosted in the place I live in now that I have been able to find unfortunately.

At one point, I set up one myself for my high school, but I worry if I do that again now, nobody will show up, just like the failure of the club my friend and I tried to start :(
I might still make it though, just because making that kind of thing is quite fun for me.

Hmm yeah unfortunately thats the flaw with Hackathons, what about ones with travel reimbursment? Ik treehacks and nexhacks or wtv does it, like the big hackathons, they don't always cover everything but a good portion of it! Making your own hackathon's are also very fun and I feel like even just 20-30 people showing up is worth it! Check out resources like hack club/MLH

 

[msds]

Hmm yeah unfortunately thats the flaw with Hackathons, what about ones with travel reimbursment? Ik treehacks and nexhacks or wtv does it, like the big hackathons, they don't always cover everything but a good portion of it! Making your own hackathon's are also very fun and I feel like even just 20-30 people showing up is worth it! Check out resources like hack club/MLH

At that point it's more of a vacation, I'm wanting to meet people locally :/

 

[EternalShore]

Sorries, I have this same issue and hate it so much too~ >_< I tend to find myself buried in the most specific possible niche of my interests, making it so difficult to talk to people~ >_< I hope you're able to find someone to talk to~ :(

Not knowing much about this stuff, how about a convention? :) I know that many people who work at BestBuy really like computers, altho idk if this is just the people I've talked to there and how much they truly do outside of their jobs~

 

[msds]

Sorries, I have this same issue and hate it so much too~ >_< I tend to find myself buried in the most specific possible niche of my interests, making it so difficult to talk to people~ >_< I hope you're able to find someone to talk to~ :(

Not knowing much about this stuff, how about a convention? :) I know that many people who work at BestBuy really like computers, altho idk if this is just the people I've talked to there and how much they truly do outside of their jobs~

Yeah, it's the niche that makes it hard. There are conventions/hackathons which is what yvjayvja was saying, however none locally unfortunately, so no route to meeting people in my town.

As for places like best buy, most people who are "into computers" mean that they built a PC to play video games on. Which is not really what I am interested in, as that is basically just expensive legos, out of my price range and very simple with the end-goal to play video games. All well and good if I wanted to play video games, but that's not really what I'm into unfortunately. It seems I'd be able to make a lot more friends if I was into gaming, but I've tried and just can't get into it. My interest is more so tinkering with the computers at a low level.

 

[junctionbox]

I've tried joining and starting clubs, there are no clubs directly related to my interests where I am, and the ones that are somewhat adjacent, I have trouble connecting with the people in them. I tried starting a club but nobody showed up.

Those were university-affiliated clubs, though. I'm not sure how I would find local clubs. There are ham groups here but I'm not sure how to get involved without Facebook, and I am morally and ethically against algorithmic social media and feel absolutely violated even going on it at all, so I don't want to. I could probably connect with hams, they're super nerdy.

Also, I'm not even looking to date right now, I just want friends. I would want to date after some recovery.


I guess I kinda feel like social media is absolutely necessary if I want to participate in society. But I think I'd feel even worse if I was on it. Scratch that, I know I'd feel worse if I was on it, because I was and then I got off. It's barely even "social" at all and just made me feel awful. I think that's why my club failed. We handed out paper flyers and stuff and put ourselves on the university website, instead of making a TikTok account or whatever.

oh yeah, i should've specified i was talking about platonic soulmates, as in whoever you meet doesn't have to be your perfect soulmate level best friend for life, just a friend. i myself haven't maybe been flexible enough with new people.

i'm not on social media either. i'm not sure how different your situation is to mine in terms of how people meet, but i really don't (want to) think that not being on social media is the reason for my loneliness. i felt more lonely when i was on there. a ham group sounds nice, i've also wanted to join but i'm not nerdy enough. :D

what was your club about? are there any political movements/groups you might be interested in? i feel like a lot of people meet through those.

 

[Jamesbond]

Have you looked into silent discos where everyone wears headphones? I'm sensitive to noise too but equally sensitive to being around people. I've become so old and miserable to deal with people. Might be an option for you to socialise and perhaps meet other people who deal with similar issues.

 

[msds]

Have you looked into silent discos where everyone wears headphones? I'm sensitive to noise too but equally sensitive to being around people. I've become so old and miserable to deal with people. Might be an option for you to socialise and perhaps meet other people who deal with similar issues.

I'm not sure where I would find such an event. I have heard of them as a thing that exists though.

i'm not on social media either. i'm not sure how different your situation is to mine in terms of how people meet, but i really don't (want to) think that not being on social media is the reason for my loneliness. i felt more lonely when i was on there. a ham group sounds nice, i've also wanted to join but i'm not nerdy enough. :D

I really don't want to believe that either, but every time I miss out on something it's because the almighty algorithm didn't shove it in front of my face, so I never found out about it, because people don't bother to talk about things elsewhere or like put up flyers or make websites anymore. Unless I'm missing some place people talk about this stuff, social media is the way to find out about things today :/
I really, especially hate when people tell me "just use a friend finder mode on a dating app" like I am 1000% sure that will annihilate what tiny amount of self-esteem I have remaining and make me want to kill myself even more. Even in friend finder mode I'm sure people on dating apps are quite shallow and awful. Correct me if I am wrong though, my intense aversion to social media is intense. It just seems like anyone my age (early 20s) is only on social media, and just not present in the real world.

Which sucks, because I also have no idea what's trendy because I don't check the news or whatever is happening so I never am up to speed on whatever new thing is popular and people are talking about, so even if I do meet someone we have nothing to talk about. Yet another reason I want to meet someone who shares my interest, then we'll have something to talk about that isn't whatever is currently trendy. And yet another reason that it is deceptively simple, since the "build a PC" people are very much focused on what is trendy, meanwhile my newest computer is 6 years old.

Sorry about the rant I just really hate modern social media. I love the old internet and it is such a shame to see how much of a massive failure the Internet ended up being when corporations slowly squeezed every last cent they could out of it. I wasn't around for the good old days of the internet, but with the few friends I do have, we like to build things using tech from that era, so I have seen and experienced first-hand what it could be like, and I wish it was.

 

[junctionbox]

Sorry about the rant I just really hate modern social media. I love the old internet and it is such a shame to see how much of a massive failure the Internet ended up being when corporations slowly squeezed every last cent they could out of it. I wasn't around for the good old days of the internet, but with the few friends I do have, we like to build things using tech from that era, so I have seen and experienced first-hand what it could be like, and I wish it was.

hey i think you might really enjoy the indie internet! it's an active bunch of ppl that make their own websites, they're really cool, you can put anything on there and many of the websites i've seen include a section devoted to your own interests. the weirder the better, people love hearing about niche topics and appreciate the effort. and you need to be able to code to really make a personalized website, and especially since privacy is your thing, you might enjoy doing everything from scratch and being in control.

you do need to get pretty into it before you can connect with people, though. and there's no database of indie internet users/website makers, rather you connect through hyperlinks. so you find people/websites through other people or websites. i think it all is really cool and i would love to join but so far i have been too lazy and i also loathe coding... there are less code-heavy options too, though.

here's a cool indieweb guide/introduction if anyone is interested
here's the video that first got me interested

I really don't want to believe that either, but every time I miss out on something it's because the almighty algorithm didn't shove it in front of my face, so I never found out about it, because people don't bother to talk about things elsewhere or like put up flyers or make websites anymore. Unless I'm missing some place people talk about this stuff, social media is the way to find out about things today :/
I really, especially hate when people tell me "just use a friend finder mode on a dating app" like I am 1000% sure that will annihilate what tiny amount of self-esteem I have remaining and make me want to kill myself even more. Even in friend finder mode I'm sure people on dating apps are quite shallow and awful. Correct me if I am wrong though, my intense aversion to social media is intense. It just seems like anyone my age (early 20s) is only on social media, and just not present in the real world.

i hope it helps you to know that i am the same age as you are, and i strongly dislike social media as well and am not on it. i also know many people our age feel the same way. but yeah it is a problem when events are only advertised on instagram and nowhere else, not being on there does mean missing out on some things (or a lot of them) but imo that's better than being addicted and having your headspace ruined by comparison and compulsive scrolling. it can be hard to realise just how many people are outside of social media, meanwhile it's very easy to see how many people are on there, because only the latter can be expressed in numbers.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I am autistic, which makes it very hard for me to bond with people who don't share my interests (computer programming, computing history, networking, servers, and some other hobbies)
I also have avoidant personality disorder, which makes interacting with people I don't know terrifying, and BPD, which makes all sorts of things happen.
I am also extremely paranoid when it comes to technology. I don't have any social media except some forum accounts, email, and a Matrix chat account.

With these 3 factors, it seems that it is impossible for me to meet people. I've tried meeting people online, and have some online friends, but I don't get the same things out of an online friendship as I do out of actually being with someone IRL and doing something together. I love and appreciate my online friends, but want to supplement that with IRL friends as well. I have no idea where in my area I'd go to meet people like this, and it doesn't help that I find a lot people in adjacent fields to my interests to be insufferable, and interacting with them to be draining and exhausting.

I have a couple IRL friends, and I've briefly brought this predicament up with them, and they're both all out of ideas. I've tried everything that we've been able to think of, here are some of the ideas I've tried:

• Joining a local maker space - Nobody there works on computer stuff, except one guy who is not nice to me and I dislike
• Going to bars - I hate bars. They are loud and unpleasant, and I feel like they attract precisely the opposite kind of people that I am trying to meet.
• Public library - I love my local library. But it seems I'm the only one, I'm usually pretty much the only one there, and even if I'm not I'd feel bad trying to make conversation with someone because I'd feel like I was interrupting them. (that is a recurring pattern, at any establishment I cannot talk to people because I assume I'd be interrupting them)

I've been extremely lonely for the last 5 years of my life, and I feel like if I could fix that, I could actually have a chance at recovery. It just seems that there are no places where I can meet people today, I don't know where all the people are... part of me assumes that all the people I could be friends with are just in their houses rotting in bed all day like I am. I just turned 23 years old, and I live on a university campus... Where are all the people? I was always promised this would be the part of my life where I meet new friends and go on dates, but I've spent the last 5 years completely alone. Does anyone have any ideas?? Or if anyone is in Arizona and interested in these things would you want to chat?

cool, I like programming, computers and servers.
I found some community group (tho it's not a tech group) with people who are sometimes interested in tech. Maybe searching online for community groups in Arizona might help?

I'm in Adelaide, have autism too, and am 21.

PS: In moderated Tor chats, I've found lots of friendly users

 

[Jamesbond]

I'm not sure where I would find such an event. I have heard of them as a thing that exists though.


I really don't want to believe that either, but every time I miss out on something it's because the almighty algorithm didn't shove it in front of my face, so I never found out about it, because people don't bother to talk about things elsewhere or like put up flyers or make websites anymore. Unless I'm missing some place people talk about this stuff, social media is the way to find out about things today :/
I really, especially hate when people tell me "just use a friend finder mode on a dating app" like I am 1000% sure that will annihilate what tiny amount of self-esteem I have remaining and make me want to kill myself even more. Even in friend finder mode I'm sure people on dating apps are quite shallow and awful. Correct me if I am wrong though, my intense aversion to social media is intense. It just seems like anyone my age (early 20s) is only on social media, and just not present in the real world.

Which sucks, because I also have no idea what's trendy because I don't check the news or whatever is happening so I never am up to speed on whatever new thing is popular and people are talking about, so even if I do meet someone we have nothing to talk about. Yet another reason I want to meet someone who shares my interest, then we'll have something to talk about that isn't whatever is currently trendy. And yet another reason that it is deceptively simple, since the "build a PC" people are very much focused on what is trendy, meanwhile my newest computer is 6 years old.

Sorry about the rant I just really hate modern social media. I love the old internet and it is such a shame to see how much of a massive failure the Internet ended up being when corporations slowly squeezed every last cent they could out of it. I wasn't around for the good old days of the internet, but with the few friends I do have, we like to build things using tech from that era, so I have seen and experienced first-hand what it could be like, and I wish it was.

I think it's pretty niche but might be worth looking into if you don't mind people but don't like noise. Maybe you could throw your own event and hopefully attract people with similar issues and interests. Hopefully you will find a solution to your problem

 

[Dot]

Meetup | Find Local Groups, Events, and Activities Near You

Find Meetup events, join groups, or start your own. Make new friends and connect with like-minded people. Meet people near you who share your interests.

www.meetup.com

 

[msds]

Meetup | Find Local Groups, Events, and Activities Near You

Find Meetup events, join groups, or start your own. Make new friends and connect with like-minded people. Meet people near you who share your interests.

www.meetup.com

In my area everything on this site is just AI generated ads for self-help style "classes" that want you to pay for some guy to say things at you, all of those smell like a scam :/
And also lots of church stuff but I am an atheist.

I assume that in other places this site is actually useful, but I am not so lucky :(

I think it's pretty niche but might be worth looking into if you don't mind people but don't like noise. Maybe you could throw your own event and hopefully attract people with similar issues and interests. Hopefully you will find a solution to your problem

I will keep an eye out. I don't really have the reach to throw my own event. If I don't advertise on social media, nobody would show up lol, also I don't have a venue and that would be really expensive. Hopefully I can find something, I'll keep looking.

cool, I like programming, computers and servers.
I found some community group (tho it's not a tech group) with people who are sometimes interested in tech. Maybe searching online for community groups in Arizona might help?

I'm in Adelaide, have autism too, and am 21.

PS: In moderated Tor chats, I've found lots of friendly users

What would you mean by "community groups?" I'm not really sure what specifically I should be looking for. Where and how did you find them?

hey i think you might really enjoy the indie internet! it's an active bunch of ppl that make their own websites, they're really cool, you can put anything on there and many of the websites i've seen include a section devoted to your own interests. the weirder the better, people love hearing about niche topics and appreciate the effort. and you need to be able to code to really make a personalized website, and especially since privacy is your thing, you might enjoy doing everything from scratch and being in control.

I am actually a part of it already, but under a different name! It's how I've met my online friends. And like I said, I love my online friends, I just don't get the same kind of connection as I do hanging out with people IRL.

 

[EmptyBottle]

What would you mean by "community groups?" I'm not really sure what specifically I should be looking for. Where and how did you find them?

I found one thru mum, who met someone at Church... who ran a medium sized (maybe 10 or so) group, where there's so many different things being presented across the ages... as well as there's plenty of friendly people and good food.

 

[junctionbox]

I am actually a part of it already, but under a different name! It's how I've met my online friends. And like I said, I love my online friends, I just don't get the same kind of connection as I do hanging out with people IRL.

oh cool!! so that's a no go for irl friends then. i was assuming one could kinda bump into someone from their area through their website, but i guess the user pool is still so small it's unlikely...

one more thing that comes to mind is maybe you could do a skill swap with someone? like if there is anything you'd want to learn, you could offer to help the other person make a website for example. and idk advertise that on college bulletin boards and lamp posts! that could attract creeps or other unwanted individuals as well but if i saw an ad for something like that, i would be very interested. though i might be in the minority.

i refuse to accept it would be impossible for you to meet like-minded people!