Venting Therapy for loneliness?

[jesteroutofwork]

ive been feeling like im disconnected from people for the past 4 years. Feeling lonely may seem like something minor but at this point it's just rotting me away. Almost all hobbies and activities seem like a waste of time when you cant discuss them with someone. Recently i had to study a lot for important exams, and even though i like to study and it was interesting to me, it just felt like a waste of time. Overall almost everything seems like a waste of time, really. Honestly the only thing i still enjoy and love is training at the gym. Genuinely it's often my only reason to go through the day and care about myself lmao. When im not training life feels like playing on an empty online server. It's superficial. At this point im jealous of people that have normal social life. I don't think i lack social skills or i'm too anxious. I'm definitely more calm and I don't have issues with small talk. The problem is, every single conversation and relation feels fucking superficial. Really everything. I think it's because i know that i don't matter much to most people, and when we'll finish this conversation we will probably never speak again unless i initiate a convo. It feels like i dont have a home, some kind of basic support network that will just accept me and care about me, so i just have to constantly try and 'fight' in order to have friends. I think it maybe stems from my parents. My dad was an alcoholic and was abusive for a better part of my childhood, and even though he has changed, my relation with him is just damaged. I just don't find him a trusting person. He's really okay to me, but i genuinely just dont have any postiive feelings to him. When i was a little boy he just abused me and drank a lot. My mother is okay, but im also having issues connecting with her. We often argued and she had no regrets about saying pretty damn ugly things to her own child. I know it was a long time ago, and now im rather fine with my parents, but i feel like this experience just made me feel alone for the rest of my life. It feels like i have no one to trust and show true emotions and passion to. There's just no home, no foundation. I've often felt different from my peers and more mature than them, i think it also stemmed from abuse. It just caused me to be alienated even more lmao. Not so long ago i've been diagnosed with mild depression and prescribed fluoxetine with CBT therapy. I gotta say fluoxetine brought back the energy and focus to me, i could study better and be more productive. But i still feel suicidal and alone, just not as much to be bedridden. Sadly the therapy was awful, in fact it even wasn't a therapy lmao. I specifically asked for a CBT therapist in a local mental health centre. On the first visit i asked him if he works in CBT, which he confirmed. Around 3 months later when I told him im quitting because it's not doing shit on our last session, he told me that actually he's not even doing CBT lmao. Turns out he is still learning to be a CBT therapist and doesn't have a proper license yet. So he was basically giving me shitty psychologist's consultations for 3 months, where he just told me to meet more people lmao. he never adressed the fact that im chronically lonely even when im meeting with someone and i chronically feel like i do not belong anywhere, just repeteadly said to meet people. Anyway, I know it was NOT CBT, but when im reading about the proper CBT it doesnt feel me with confidence either. i don't understand how catching cognitive distortions and doing tasks will help me not feel lonely. It just feels like gaslighting honestly. That loneliness is deep and constant. Even though i like myself, i really do, and i think that im an interesting person to talk with, the feeling of not belonging is just too fucking painful. It has come down the the point where i prefer my dreams and nightmares over my real life, because it feels more entertaining and interesting. I actually feel like i have some kind of role to play and a purpose in my dreams in contrast to my life. Anyways, i know it is a long thread, but id be happy if someone with similiar feelings could share some insight of dealing with this shit. Thank you for reading.