Discussion How suicidal are you? On a scale of 1-10.

[LuzurPhagget]

I'm at 7 or 8 level suicidal. I want it all over, but I am holding out to try a few medications and to write my will and farewell letters. This morning I fantasised about shutting myself in a cupboard with CO - I really really want this over.

For me, I don't want to rain on this parade - but I had years of therapy and all it did was cost me a LOT of money - including during times when I had no money for shoes. I remember being in therapy and looking at the state of my shoes. The therapy cost me from £40 to £80 per hour depending on which therapist. All of which would have bought me shoes. Honestly I would now take new shoes over therapy any time.

My best therapy is calling the Samaritans, because they listen and accept it when I tell them how much I want to die, and it is a relief to talk to them about it.

My friend is now trying to offer to pay for me to have more therapy - which is very generous - but I don't see a point. He is a psychologist himself, so he thinks this stuff works. He said to me yesterday that people would be devastated if I killed myself without taking him up on this offer. For me though, it is a lot of travel when I am exhausted already and can barely get anything done, so I can go and talk to someone in a room about how I want to die every day. I really don't see a point.

The evidence that is out there around therapy suggests it can be most helpful in combination with medication.

I'm sorry if this is brusque - the depression makes me really grumpy too. I am not any kind of person I would want to be. I want it all over.
ps no therapist I ever had referred me to a psychiatrist! Even though I was crying every single day.


what are these magical meds you are on?!!! I have tried two meds so far, and scared of trying more...

Fuck, I wrote out my will and farewell letters too! Should probably throw them out before somebody gets a hand on it. Lol, that'd be pretty fucking embarrassing.

And believe it or not, I tried psilocybin mushrooms! It's been about 4 weeks now and I'm still feeling pretty alright (and haven't even had to try another dose since). I had already tried Cymbalta again this year (worked in the past) but it just wasn't kicking in and working like it used to. It was still making my bladder overactive and making me piss alot though! Tried Pristiq, but nada. Also tried Amitryptiline (Elavil) later this year and nada. I even tried medicinal cannabis, but eh, just not for me, or at least maybe I wasn't using it right. And lol, maybe they ARE aptly named "magic mushrooms" for a reason. If I had taken the mushrooms alone, I probably would have just gotten racing thoughts/ anxiety (like I do with cannabis), but since I had been drinking some wine prior, I think it acted as a sort of "sedating agent" and mitigated any anxiety I otherwise normally would have felt. LMAO, I know it sounds crazy to think I might have possibly "fixed" my brain with wine and shrooms, but I don't know what else to tell ya. Except maybe we actually have a greater history with psilocybin mushrooms than these random ass pharmaceuticals they devise in secret, for-profit labs and are unsure themselves of their working mechanisms, yet hand them out as if its our ONLY recourse. I mean, have you actually seen their chemical structures?!? How do they come up with that shit?!? Psilocybin actually closely resembles serotonin, hence possibly explaining its therapeutic effects. Still been meaning to look more into it. Anyway, in summary, I think I drank AT MOST about half a bottle of wine and then consumed about 5 mushrooms (about 0.8g???). I didn't see shit. Just felt elated. Just FELT things.

And one another note, not saying psilocybin mushrooms are a cure-all. People's brain chemistries are different, so just because this worked with me doesn't necessarily mean it will work for everybody. In some cases, pharmaceuticals might even be a better option than psilocybin mushrooms.

Anyway, it's fascinating stuff. I'm going to look more into it. Cheers.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

I would say a 9. I'm testing methods. I do have a solid plan but the thrill of testing plans, makes me feel alive which is ironic as I'm doing it to die.

 

[JustVisiting]

I'd say I'm a 9. Sometimes I go to a 7. Working on meds and therapy but nothing is helping. I'm here because of my son. If not for him I'd be gone by now.

I'm in the same situation.

 

[DiiDii]

Sober- 7-10 (fluxes)
Stoned- 4
Rolling (MD)- 2
Ket- 4

 

[JustVisiting]

Completely agree

10 & although OP has some valid points & I am glad they r feeling better-and I hope many people will in time- however many of the points & things said really over simplify things & doesn't take into account the truth of some people's lives. Some nice sentiments- that are sadly not applicable to everybody & all situations.

I'm in the same situation.

All that stops me is knowing how much it would f up my daughter FOREVER ...
All that stops me is knowing how much it would f up my daughter FOREVER ...

I'm in the same situation.

I'd say I'm a 9. Sometimes I go to a 7. Working on meds and therapy but nothing is helping. I'm here because of my son. If not for him I'd be gone by now.

All that stops me is knowing how much it would f up my daughter FOREVER ...

 

[Sensei]

And believe it or not, I tried psilocybin mushrooms! It's been about 4 weeks now and I'm still feeling pretty alright (and haven't even had to try another dose since).

I'm hesitant to say this, because if things go wrong they can go really wrong, but magic mushrooms could help many, if not most members of this forum. I've only used magic truffles (weaker than magic mushrooms, but, umm, sort of legal), but they made me feel normal for over a week, even though I'm bipolar. I'll probably regret saying this, but I say it anyway: If you have exhausted all alternatives and are convinced that catching the bus is your only remaining alternative, what do you have to lose trying this?

 

[Susannah]

I had a brief moment of suicidal ideation a moment ago, but then came back to my senses. It's so disturbing to have that feeling of sudden hopelessness. All your problems seem really huge for that moment. It's like a paralysis overtakes me. I'm not sure where I'am on the scale bc it changes so dramatically. This morning I was upset about someone not texting me back soon enough and I was beginning to unravel experiencing the typical borderline abandonment pain. Not rational just don't know how to handle when I worry that I might have pushed someone away. They texted and instantly the extreme feelings went away lol! Such a nightmare.

Same here. Up and down, and sometimes I just feel empty.

 

[Lotus]

10. I just got released from the hospital, and I am ready to go forward with my plans. At the same time I am feeling anxious. Is that normal? I have to figure out what that's all about. I thought I would be absolute calm, like the way I felt when I decided to let go. Now I just feel a weird mix of happiness and relief (which I haven't felt for about a year) and anxiousness.

 

[Sensei]

10. I just got released from the hospital, and I am ready to go forward with my plans. At the same time I am feeling anxious. Is that normal? I have to figure out what that's all about. I thought I would be absolute calm, like the way I felt when I decided to let go. Now I just feel a weird mix of happiness and relief (which I haven't felt for about a year) and anxiousness.

The thought of death can make anyone anxious and it's perfectly normal. However, it can also be a sign that you aren't quite ready yet.

 

[SlackJim]

Fuck, I wrote out my will and farewell letters too! Should probably throw them out before somebody gets a hand on it. Lol, that'd be pretty fucking embarrassing.

And believe it or not, I tried psilocybin mushrooms! It's been about 4 weeks now and I'm still feeling pretty alright (and haven't even had to try another dose since). I had already tried Cymbalta again this year (worked in the past) but it just wasn't kicking in and working like it used to. It was still making my bladder overactive and making me piss alot though! Tried Pristiq, but nada. Also tried Amitryptiline (Elavil) later this year and nada. I even tried medicinal cannabis, but eh, just not for me, or at least maybe I wasn't using it right. And lol, maybe they ARE aptly named "magic mushrooms" for a reason. If I had taken the mushrooms alone, I probably would have just gotten racing thoughts/ anxiety (like I do with cannabis), but since I had been drinking some wine prior, I think it acted as a sort of "sedating agent" and mitigated any anxiety I otherwise normally would have felt. LMAO, I know it sounds crazy to think I might have possibly "fixed" my brain with wine and shrooms, but I don't know what else to tell ya. Except maybe we actually have a greater history with psilocybin mushrooms than these random ass pharmaceuticals they devise in secret, for-profit labs and are unsure themselves of their working mechanisms, yet hand them out as if its our ONLY recourse. I mean, have you actually seen their chemical structures?!? How do they come up with that shit?!? Psilocybin actually closely resembles serotonin, hence possibly explaining its therapeutic effects. Still been meaning to look more into it. Anyway, in summary, I think I drank AT MOST about half a bottle of wine and then consumed about 5 mushrooms (about 0.8g???). I didn't see shit. Just felt elated. Just FELT things.

And one another note, not saying psilocybin mushrooms are a cure-all. People's brain chemistries are different, so just because this worked with me doesn't necessarily mean it will work for everybody. In some cases, pharmaceuticals might even be a better option than psilocybin mushrooms.

Anyway, it's fascinating stuff. I'm going to look more into it. Cheers.

that sounds quite profound from quite a low dose of mushrooms! I had a profound shift from them too when I was about 17, depression was gone over night! now it has creeped back into my life but I will drink ayahuasca in a few weeks, I'm hoping it can shift my perception again

 

[Lotus]

The thought of death can make anyone anxious and it's perfectly normal. However, it can also be a sign that you aren't quite ready yet.

That's what concerns me. I have some time to process my feelings and figure out why I'm feeling this way.

 

[LMLN]

10. I just got released from the hospital, and I am ready to go forward with my plans. At the same time I am feeling anxious. Is that normal? I have to figure out what that's all about. I thought I would be absolute calm, like the way I felt when I decided to let go. Now I just feel a weird mix of happiness and relief (which I haven't felt for about a year) and anxiousness.

I think being anxious is to be expected. But it is also a sign that you should be really sure you want to follow through. Being too anxious can also lead to impulsive attempts in my experience anyway. Take care and peace to you no matter what you decide. ❤❤❤

Edit to add: somehow being in the hospital made me feel very desperate to ctb as soon as I got out. Maybe give yourself some time to recover from your hospital stay. It is not a pleasant experience for many people. For me was was traumatic.

 

[Lotus]

I think being anxious is to be expected. But it is also a sign that you should be really sure you want to follow through. Being too anxious can also lead to impulsive attempts in my experience anyway. Take care and peace to you no matter what you decide. ❤❤❤

Edit to add: somehow being in the hospital made me feel very desperate to ctb as soon as I got out. Maybe give yourself some time to recover from your hospital stay. It is not a pleasant experience for many people. For me was was traumatic.

Thank you for your support.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

I would say a 5 today

 

[Sensei]

That's what concerns me. I have some time to process my feelings and figure out why I'm feeling this way.

Sounds like a good plan. There's no hurry. No matter if you continue to live for a week or for a century, the option of ending it all won't disappear and that can be a great solace in itself.

 

[JustVisiting]

I'm hesitant to say this, because if things go wrong they can go really wrong, but magic mushrooms could help many, if not most members of this forum. I've only used magic truffles (weaker than magic mushrooms, but, umm, sort of legal), but they made me feel normal for over a week, even though I'm bipolar. I'll probably regret saying this, but I say it anyway: If you have exhausted all alternatives and are convinced that catching the bus is your only remaining alternative, what do you have to lose trying this?

I'd love to try. Shrooms have been "decriminalized" in 2 US cities so far. Magic Truffles ... sort of legal? Would that be from an online source?

 

[Sensei]

I'd love to try. Shrooms have been "decriminalized" in 2 US cities so far.

If you decide to go through with it, start with very low doses. (I've actually experienced antidepressant effects when I've taken so low doses that I didn't experience any hallucinations.) Magic mushrooms are very potent, so you need to be careful.

Magic Truffles ... sort of legal? Would that be from an online source?

Yes, I bought them online. They are legal in the country where the web shop is located, but I'm not sure if they're legal in my country. Never bothered to check...

 

[JustVisiting]

If you decide to go through with it, start with very low doses. (I've actually experienced antidepressant effects when I've taken so low doses that I didn't experience any hallucinations.) Magic mushrooms are very potent, so you need to be careful.



Yes, I bought them online. They are legal in the country where the web shop is located, but I'm not sure if they're legal in my country. Never bothered to check...

Thank you for the tips.

 

[Phill]

2 at the most. I've been much worse before, especially last year. I'd say I'm in a positive flow this year.

 

[enjoy]

i feel like i'm slowly working my way up the scale. my emotions say 8, 9 or 10, but i'm not at the point where i'd physically be able to try and kill myself without bailing. i'd say the latter part of me is at a 5 or 6, but the number will keep growing as i continue to disappoint myself and others.

 

[LittleJem]

I'm hesitant to say this, because if things go wrong they can go really wrong, but magic mushrooms could help many, if not most members of this forum. I've only used magic truffles (weaker than magic mushrooms, but, umm, sort of legal), but they made me feel normal for over a week, even though I'm bipolar. I'll probably regret saying this, but I say it anyway: If you have exhausted all alternatives and are convinced that catching the bus is your only remaining alternative, what do you have to lose trying this?

I have some microdose pills, but they don't help me....they are sitting on my shelf in UK all lonely. If I can say that....

 

[Sensei]

I have some microdose pills, but they don't help me....they are sitting on my shelf in UK all lonely. If I can say that....

I've never microdosed, but I've thought about it. However, I have taken low doses of hallucinogens and to my disappointment not experienced any of the promised effects, but I didn't suffer any depression or suicidal impulses for several days afterwards. For the record, I only have access to legal hallucinogens; I can't understand how they still can be legal, though. Not that I'm complaining.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

I'm hesitant to say this, because if things go wrong they can go really wrong, but magic mushrooms could help many, if not most members of this forum. I've only used magic truffles (weaker than magic mushrooms, but, umm, sort of legal), but they made me feel normal for over a week, even though I'm bipolar. I'll probably regret saying this, but I say it anyway: If you have exhausted all alternatives and are convinced that catching the bus is your only remaining alternative, what do you have to lose trying this?

True. If there's one thing in life I've learned, things can ALWAYS get worse lol. It's amazing how many "ordinary" things we take for granted. Just our sense of time, memory, ability to think coherently etc. It's really a fragile thing. Usually I get bad anxiety/trips on cannabis and really feels like I'm losing my mind/the world's ending. So yeah, I find these drugs to be highly potent and actually still struggle to see how others use them recreationally. One can really have a distressing trip.

But yeah, I think I actually took a relatively small dose, all in all. Didn't really "trip out."

 

[Thomas Xavier Light]

Absolute ten, I will probably carry it out within 2 months

 

[Sensei]

True. If there's one thing in life I've learned, things can ALWAYS get worse lol.

Ha ha! Well put! But seriously, if you are suffering to the point of wanting to end your life, then what does a horror trip matter? Besides, it may, at least hypothecially, make you feel alive again and your problems bearable in comparison.

It's amazing how many "ordinary" things we take for granted. Just our sense of time, memory, ability to think coherently etc. It's really a fragile thing. Usually I get bad anxiety/trips on cannabis and really feels like I'm losing my mind/the world's ending. So yeah, I find these drugs to be highly potent and actually still struggle to see how others use them recreationally. One can really have a distressing trip.

Hallucinogens are definitely dangerous. I only started exploring them out of desperation, not curiosity. It may be naive, but I can't help thinking that they perhaps can save me.

 

[Taki]

Never less than 8. I do the online measures, like the Hamilton Rating Scale or the PHQ9, almost daily, and I always get rated "severe" and apparently in need of hospitalization (there's no fucking way that's happening btw). For some reason I always laugh when I see the result.

 

[edward77]

was at 1 some months ago increasing with each passing day and now its 10.. may do it anytime from now. was hoping for some miracle but now looks that too impossible..

 

[Jean4]

10 plus.

 

[lizinha]

8.5

 

[a.n.kirillov]

2....8....1....9....7....2....1....9....1....9

a typical day nowadays :-(