How serious is your borderline disorder?

[Seele]

I have four disorders: ADHD, anxiety, bipolarity, and borderline. The worst of them, without a doubt, is borderline. When I sense any sign of abandonment, a horrible feeling takes over me. It's not suffocation like anxiety, but something much deeper, as if something is tearing me apart from the inside. It feels like there's a stinging nettle inside my chest, burning in me and ripping me apart. There are no medications for this, so I find myself resorting to self-mutilation in a desperate attempt to relieve some of the pain. But every time I do it, blood flows, and, although there's a momentary relief, the feeling of emptiness never completely goes away. It's an impulsive, crushing pain, like being hit by a speeding train. Sometimes, I feel an unbearable urge to die; I've tried suicide because of this impulse, but it's in these moments that cutting offers, for a brief instant, the only relief I can find.

I'm not a #coldnessinmyheart, but I have an extreme level of borderline, to the point where I can't stand having relationships, friendships, or even living near people I know. I live alone because anyone can trigger this in me. In schema therapy, I have 16 out of 18 borderline schemas. It's hell trying to talk to someone because it always causes me distress.



What about you? How do you deal with this? What level of borderline do you have? What is your borderline like?

 

[Anonymousa]

I don't have a diagnosis but multiple doctors have suspected me to have BPD and I relate to a lot of the symptoms and feelings of the disorder.

Often times if I do get a new "friend" I am overly joyed and obsessed with them but soon I would be utterly terrified of them leaving me even if no reasons have been shown yet. They would eventually leave me anyways and it would feel like another thing has broken inside of me and I become absolutely distraught. I probably depend on these people too much to not feel empty, worthless, tired and bored of life.

I can also sometimes suddenly hate people cus I don't think they care about me enough or I had a problem with them that's lasted some time that I have just ignored cus I thought it was fine but can't handle now. I would be angry at them and say or do things I will then feel extreme guilty for forever and keep beating myself about it to this day.

The only thing I can really do to cope with either the emptiness or guilt or fear of abandonment is to cut. I have decided at this point to not make anymore friends again or get attached to anyone again which has made me feel more empty but I at least protect myself from being abandoned again. Tho I might impulsively go back on this decision cus of stupid hope.