Venting How good do your reasons need to be?

[antithesis]

Imposter syndrome connoisseur here.
How many reasons does one need? I always feel like it's not enough.
What are your reasons? Are they ever enough to justify ctb? Or do you focus on your feelings?

My list is this, but it never feels enough. I just feel apathetic.

• Abusive childhood (gaslighting, insults, beatings, humiliations, eating from the floor, no privacy, no room door, incestuous acts, etc)
• Depression, anxiety, trichotillomania and pica. Obviously, PTSD. Huge social anxiety. Probable ED but it does not show.
• Very toxic relationship partner choices in the past. Got raped a few times, surprisingly not traumatized by it much.
• Disabled, autistic woman, late diagnosed, suffered all my life because of it. Since diagnosis, I suffer from insomnia and terrible nightmares.
• School and work harassment all my life. No work atm. Huge work phobia anyway. Feel like a wasted potential.

But I always tell myself: Look, I'm a woman, I'm young and attractive, I could find any good guy or whatever! Get married, get my life together. I have very few friends but at least they're supportive! Free healthcare here and I live in a nice city! I have a pet cat who's adorable! My whole life's ahead of me!

So after these intrusive thoughts, I hesitate to ctb. Even though I am so mentally exhausted and have never felt any sparks in my heart.

 

[HereUntilApril]

To me, I don't think it matters how good your reasons have to be to CTB. It's either we do it or we don't do it, and it's a choice that should be for us to decide. Looking at your list, I feel extremely sorry for you. I hope that you can have peace, and I wish you the best of luck.

 

[nool]

Exactly what HereUntilApril said. Everyone has their reasons, big or small. Everyone has their own breaking point as well. Something that seems small to one will be huge to another. It's up to you, and only you, to decide what you want to do; whether that be recover or to ctb.

I wish you all the best

 

[wtg]

Being alive is a good enough reason for me

 

[[Lord Void]]

If someone was considering it because of circumstances that can be changed, I'd urge them to stay especially if they want to do anything in life. Even then I can understand how someone can break at the prospect of years of suffering.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

I don't believe the reasons matter that much, they are different for all of us. For me, ctb should be the final resort, with being alive simply no longer an option.

 

[Forever Sleep]

For me, my reasons are balanced against the hurt I believe my suicide would likely cause. At the moment, my reasons aren't good enough- for me- to be able to justify it.

My motivation to want to CTB is more that I'm just so sick of life and having to work to sustain it. My hope though, is that I can continue to drag myself through for now. I do have a bunch of childhood stuff that set me on this path though. While it doesn't affect me so much now- it set me up for this.

But yeah, things would maybe have to get worse for me in order for me to be able to justify doing it at the moment. Once my last remaining loved one is gone though- my Dad, I will have fewer tethers here and I think I will feel more free to act on my choice.

I don't really care what other people think about my reasons though. They likely will make negative judgements but I've already had ideation for 35 years to varying intensities. I think that's a very long time to hold on for the sake of others. So, it will piss my ghost off if they judge me.

Ultimately though, no one else is living our life. They don't know what it's like to be us. How much or little we can cope with. They shouldn't really feel justified in judging us. Plus, it's cruel to expect someone to stay here and suffer.

Of course, it's different if we aren't sure ourselves. If we wonder if our own perspective is screwing with us. I think that is worth considering for all of us and, changing if possible. As in- are life and my prospects genuinely shit or, is it my pessimism telling me that?

 

[shiba]

You don't need any reason at all to CTB, but based on your intrusive thoughts, it does seem like there are things you still appreciate about life. Even if you just briefly feel that things could get better, it may be worth trying. There is no reason to rush.

 

[3rdworldsadness]

i think everyone in this world has the right to exit, nobody choose this existence with consent. So there could be no or any reason and your suicide would be valid.