How do you find meaning knowing that you're going to die soon?

[sancta-simplicitas]

So, I finally decided on a date. Initially it was a massive relief and I felt rather invincible. Painful feelings and reminders stopped affecting me because they don't really matter anymore. Then I quickly entered a state of what I would descripe as bittersweet apathy. I feel like nothing, don't really want to spend time with the few people I have left, I have no appetite (mostly I feel nauseuos tbh) and when my favorite flowers (lilacs) finally started to bloom earlier this week their scent, which I have always loved, just overwhelmed me. Nothing I do truly matters anymore and it's been tough to grapple because I figured I'd live my last days just chomping away at things that I love until the time is up.

I've managed to find some solace though. I've started to record myself reading my favorite children's books, right now I'm halfway through The Little Prince. I plan to upload them to my Google Drive and give them as a present to a friend who has DID, I always read to her child part when they lived here for a couple of months. Perhaps I'll give them to my sister to play them for my niece and nephew too, even though I'm not very close to my family. I'd like to encourage kids to read, it feels meaningful to me. And the books I've choosen means a lot to me, despite being a grown ass person.

I've also found some comfort in music, finding the perfect tunes for my funeral. I don't really want to be surrounded by my family when I die, but I'd like my last moments over ground to be filled with music.

Next month I am going to try painting again. It's been a couple of years since I stopped when I got sick. But I hope it works.

 

[dkrw]

for me, there does not have to be meaning
life is inherently meaningless in my opinion
and when i die, all the meaning i "gave" myself, will die with me

 

[EyesOfNight]

My life never had meaning to begin with. I'm just waiting bored out of my mind until the time arrives.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I don't even know anymore. This kind of suffering is meaningless and I just can't hack it and don't want to anymore.

 

[DepressedDude]

If I could find meaning in life I wouldn't want to die.

 

[RemainingDubious]

Wouldn't meaning become an obstacle?

i've wasted countless years in vain when i foolishly believed my existence somehow had a meaning.

 

[dkrw]

isnt meaninglessness the point of dying

 

[Havnis]

isnt meaninglessness the point of dying

Not necessary, you can find meaning in death.

 

[RemainingDubious]

isnt meaninglessness the point of dying

i'm not sure What good is meaning? What is it actually worth?

Kurt Cobain is one of my favourite artists, but there's people who don't know he ever existed. There are people who view him as an overrated junkie.

Was he a good son? A good husband? A good father? A good friend? The opinion of what people think about him, even the opinions of those he loved most, no long matter to him. In the bigger picture did his art ever really matter?

 

[Havnis]

So, I finally decided on a date. Initially it was a massive relief and I felt rather invincible. Painful feelings and reminders stopped affecting me because they don't really matter anymore. Then I quickly entered a state of what I would descripe as bittersweet apathy. I feel like nothing, don't really want to spend time with the few people I have left, I have no appetite (mostly I feel nauseuos tbh) and when my favorite flowers (lilacs) finally started to bloom earlier this week their scent, which I have always loved, just overwhelmed me. Nothing I do truly matters anymore and it's been tough to grapple because I figured I'd live my last days just chomping away at things that I love until the time is up.

I've managed to find some solace though. I've started to record myself reading my favorite children's books, right now I'm halfway through The Little Prince. I plan to upload them to my Google Drive and give them as a present to a friend who has DID, I always read to her child part when they lived here for a couple of months. Perhaps I'll give them to my sister to play them for my niece and nephew too, even though I'm not very close to my family. I'd like to encourage kids to read, it feels meaningful to me. And the books I've choosen means a lot to me, despite being a grown ass person.

I've also found some comfort in music, finding the perfect tunes for my funeral. I don't really want to be surrounded by my family when I die, but I'd like my last moments over ground to be filled with music.

Next month I am going to try painting again. It's been a couple of years since I stopped when I got sick. But I hope it works.

I will spend all day passionately doing stuff that I found meaningful to me if I knew that I will die tomorrow because it will be the last time I would experience them. " My meaning is in the experience in itself"

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Wouldn't meaning become an obstacle?

i've wasted countless years in vain when i foolishly believed my existence somehow had a meaning.

Not necessarily, no. I can't speak for everyone of course, but it's important for me to have some sort of meaning tied to my death, otherwise that kind of feels pointless too. I'm not choosing to CTB for a lack of meaning or enjoyment, I'm going because I've been profoundly hurt by life (IE other humans), thus I'm in pain, exhausted and sick and I don't trust it to stop any time soon.

 

[RemainingDubious]

it's important for me to have some sort of meaning tied to my death, otherwise that kind of feels pointless too.

Your death will have a meaning to you since:

I'm not choosing to CTB for a lack of meaning or enjoyment, I'm going because I've been profoundly hurt by life (IE other humans), thus I'm in pain, exhausted and sick and I don't trust it to stop any time soon.

i can completely relate. In my experience "life" = suffering. As time passes me by i only really acquire more regrets. i also wish i put an end to my suffering much earlier since it hasn't been worth sticking around this long.

i've wasted countless years in vain searching for reasons to exist.

Recently people who selfishly want me to stick around so they don't "miss" me, have viewed my choices as stupid, but they haven't known just how done i am with existing. They haven't known that trying to help others have a better experience could have potentially got me to a point i'd stick around.

 

[DeathSkullDude1]

i'm not sure What good is meaning? What is it actually worth?

Kurt Cobain is one of my favourite artists, but there's people who don't know he ever existed. There are people who view him as an overrated junkie.

Was he a good son? A good husband? A good father? A good friend? The opinion of what people think about him, even the opinions of those he loved most, no long matter to him. In the bigger picture did his art ever really matter?

In the grand scheme of things, nothing we ever done and will do will matter.

 

[dkrw]

Nothing I do truly matters anymore

.

 

[jar-baby]

Impermanence ≠ insignificance

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I don't care anymore. I surround myself with things I enjoy while I wait to ctb and that's all I care about.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

i'd really like to read your post. i will. just read the title. for people that feel that they have a meaning : I'm glad. how to find a meaning is kind of rough. i'm lost through pain. i'm sorry you are here and am sorry i have no answers (well i didn't read more than title). i will though. just feel like crap atm. you prob know...