iwashere
Munching Brotato
- Jun 2, 2025
- 111
Things have been soooo up!!! I just booked my solo birthday trip to Spain for my 22nd birthday. I'm staying at the Ritz Carlton for a week and I just got off the phone w them to decorate my room and I'm paying for this all by myself!! As i've stated in previous posts I just can't help but think this is all a greater confirmation that I am making the right choice.. I'm almost tearing up thinking about it…!! Things have been so bad for me though… besides work I'm bed ridden essentially and i've completely stopped going to the gym. the rare occasion i go out w my friends i black out drunk and wake up the next morning for work and seclue myself again for the next 2 weeks. i think about killing myself all day everyday. it makes me tear up at work and when im talking and sometimes my mom will take videos or photos of me and i cant help but think that those exact photos are the photos she's gonna go back and look at when im gone. it makes me wonder all those parents who say their kids never showed signs before they committed suicide. the fact that that's what i was thinking behind my eyes and my mom is smiling because she thinks she's recording a happy moment of her daughter purchasing plane tickets for her 22nd birthday trip next month.
I'm checking off all the bucket list items one by one by one!! I always wanted to go to Japan when I was younger (had a huge anime phase) and i finally did that in March. I also went on a solo international trip—-two birds one stone!! I got a super well paying job (for my age) and because I live w my parents and they pay for my car insurance and up until recently my gas too my only expenses were my gym membership and monthly subscriptions, I have a lot of disposable income so I upgraded my plane seats for the long haul flight!! I made all these goals for myself for the next year that I honestly didn't even think I was gonna achieve.
1) Solo Trip in March
2) Solo Bday trip
3) Solo New Years trip
it was purposely kinda un achievable because i knew how my brain works and how id come to this conclusion but the fact that it happened so easily accompanied by the fact that when im deep in thought about this subject in particular, a song will be playing that alludes to me being correct, or to just go for it, or saying goodbye, etc. has really led me fixated and obsessed w this idea that im going to shoot myself. I even got my first credit card.. a gold AMEX with no prior credit history so now I have the means to buy a gun (I'm going to buy a bedazzled/pink one :3). I'm hitting all the things most people work over a period of years for so soon because i'm making the right choice. I started thinking the devil was speaking to me or maybe pushing me to make these choices and then suddenly this kid who i used to go to high school w who went schizo and now posts about how he thinks he's lucifer started reaching out to me out of nowhere. everything is falling into place and i couldn't be more excited. my parents are building a new house and they asked me how i wanted to customize my room and they're making my closet the size of my bedroom right now!!! i'm so elated. i was going to kill myself right after i came back from Japan, then I decided to wait and now I just booked my solo trip to spain for next month, and i was gonna do it directly after that but then i remembered my parents are building a custom room for me. so i decided id live a couple months in that room so they dont feel like they wasted their money, or its not built and it stays empty so they're left walking by the room of what was supposed to be everyday.
i know you're probably thinking i sound extremely ungrateful but i don't care to trauma dump on here. just know im going out w a bang and of course of course of course this is the right choice, how could i not have seen it?? it's like the grand finale to a four act play. even my final solo trip—new years in brazil—where they wear white on the beach and jump seven waves. i just imagine myself, jumping and running towards the moon….
I'm checking off all the bucket list items one by one by one!! I always wanted to go to Japan when I was younger (had a huge anime phase) and i finally did that in March. I also went on a solo international trip—-two birds one stone!! I got a super well paying job (for my age) and because I live w my parents and they pay for my car insurance and up until recently my gas too my only expenses were my gym membership and monthly subscriptions, I have a lot of disposable income so I upgraded my plane seats for the long haul flight!! I made all these goals for myself for the next year that I honestly didn't even think I was gonna achieve.
1) Solo Trip in March
2) Solo Bday trip
3) Solo New Years trip
it was purposely kinda un achievable because i knew how my brain works and how id come to this conclusion but the fact that it happened so easily accompanied by the fact that when im deep in thought about this subject in particular, a song will be playing that alludes to me being correct, or to just go for it, or saying goodbye, etc. has really led me fixated and obsessed w this idea that im going to shoot myself. I even got my first credit card.. a gold AMEX with no prior credit history so now I have the means to buy a gun (I'm going to buy a bedazzled/pink one :3). I'm hitting all the things most people work over a period of years for so soon because i'm making the right choice. I started thinking the devil was speaking to me or maybe pushing me to make these choices and then suddenly this kid who i used to go to high school w who went schizo and now posts about how he thinks he's lucifer started reaching out to me out of nowhere. everything is falling into place and i couldn't be more excited. my parents are building a new house and they asked me how i wanted to customize my room and they're making my closet the size of my bedroom right now!!! i'm so elated. i was going to kill myself right after i came back from Japan, then I decided to wait and now I just booked my solo trip to spain for next month, and i was gonna do it directly after that but then i remembered my parents are building a custom room for me. so i decided id live a couple months in that room so they dont feel like they wasted their money, or its not built and it stays empty so they're left walking by the room of what was supposed to be everyday.
i know you're probably thinking i sound extremely ungrateful but i don't care to trauma dump on here. just know im going out w a bang and of course of course of course this is the right choice, how could i not have seen it?? it's like the grand finale to a four act play. even my final solo trip—new years in brazil—where they wear white on the beach and jump seven waves. i just imagine myself, jumping and running towards the moon….
