Venting How do people actually have jobs?

[PTSDPigeon]

I can't fathom how people do it. I know that realistically a lot of people get jobs and go to college because they know if they don't they're not going to be able to live and support themselves. Well I don't want to live?? The lack of a will to live + the severe anxiety about leaving the house and interacting with other people + my chronic pain and fatigue = not a very good combo for working enough to earn a proper living.

I fantasize a lot about what it would actually be like to move out and live on my own, have friends, go to college and maybe be okay for once, but god it's so unrealistic.

I used to have a job back in November 2020 but I was having breakdowns about it everyday and had to take so much ativan to even get myself to go that I would pass out immediately as soon as I got home. I literally lost like 15 lb during the first 2 weeks presumably because I was so hopped up with adrenaline and couldn't eat right. And it was only 12 hours a week!!! 4 hour shifts, 3 days a week. Am I just that weak? Why can't I just get over it like everybody else.

It literally makes me feel crazy, I had one of my worst panic attacks when I was like 16 because olive garden was gonna hire me…….what is wrong with me genuinely. I really don't feel like I'm meant for this life at all. And I recognize that a lot of people feel that way but how are they able to push through? How come it doesn't consume their entire being?

Does anyone else feel the same way? I'm not even sure exactly what to blame the feeling on, whether its my anxiety or something else. And I'm sick of hearing that "everyone gets anxious about a new job" or "nobody enjoys going to work" because I feel it on a cellular level. It sounds so childish but it always legitimately feels like I'm going to die (which I guess is ironic since that's kind of the whole reason I'm here....... mental illness works in funny ways)

I just started a book about CBT / DBT. It helps anxious people work through their pressures. I'm not sure if I'm going to go all the way. I decided that I'd force myself to go somewhere at least 1x this week.

I'm hypervigilant at work. I become anxious, overly chatty, divulge, or become completely shut-down and rude.

I got lucky and found remote work.

You may take online classes, find online work, go back when you have worked through whatever prevents you from it.

Try the CBT / DBT stuff. It's stressing me out to have to sit and pick through this stuff. My head started automatically doing it at the store last night and I was like, "shut-up, SHUT-UP, SHUT UPPP!"

Maybe in a situation when I'm there to do just that.

Libraries (e-learning, o'Reilly online) offer soft-copies of this stuff. I took some notes and plan on doing something with it this week.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Which jobs are these btw?

I think these days just about all of them

 

[Chikitawita]

I cannot work in this condition. I have closed my business due to my depression :(

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Wish I knew. I just can't imagine myself going back to doing anything meaningful. I've had jobs before but even when I didn't have to do anything to get paid they still felt rather draining.