I spent my childhood kind of neglected and isolated and was sent into the world totally unprepared. I had to study a PSAT practice book during the summer before 5th grade, but I do not even know how to drive or ride a bike. I feel like this kind of sums up the type of person I am and why I became that person.
Many years later, I had made it into college and worked one of the few available jobs in the campus area, but could not afford living expenses, so I wound up dropping out and moved to a city with better public transit and continued to work in retail, but eventually lucked into something slightly better in my early 20s and tried to make the most of it.
It was an interesting "creative" job and paid more than what a person like me could get elsewhere at the time, but the pay could still never outrun rent prices. I spent all of my adulthood bouncing from one unstable living situation to another. Horrible roommates, horrible landlords, nearly impossible to build a life. Relationships always under strain, constructive pursuits always disrupted. The job itself had a terrible habit of never providing deadlines and frequently requesting or inserting assignments at the last minute. Life became a blur.
Two years ago, I had received a raise that allowed me to move into a very cheap studio apartment and finally truly live on my own. It seemed like I could begin to turn things around and start really living life at the age of 40, but the company downsized six months later and I was laid off.
I still wonder if that final raise was hush money. I had cracked one day and spoken up about the owner's friend who had a long history of inappropriate conduct. I was backed up by the testimonies of other employees, but I still might have inadvertently sealed my own doom. It has been a year since losing my job.
I had been at that workplace for almost 18 years. I had tried my best to "go above and beyond" and have an unusual resume as a result of that, but the job and company were extremely niche and employers have gotten very specific about who they give a chance to. Custodians need custodial experience, baristas need barista experience. The ladders are being pulled up. On paper, it seems I'm not a good fit for anything and at times, I feel like the most useless person on earth. And while not diagnosed, I have also come to realize there is a chance I have had level 1 autism all along and was in the late stages of burnout.
In this past year, I've tried to come up with a plan ( I mean the optimistic type of plan ), get my head on straight, and then execute said plan, while fighting off overwhelming feelings of anxiety and depression, the kind that affect you physically and inhibit your thinking, but I have come up with nothing. I really wanted to go back to school, but I could just not work out how I would find a job that accommodates a class schedule in this economy. I was not sure if I could handle it or if there is even anything worth studying in a pragmatic sense that I would also be a good fit for, given how uncertain the future is in general right now.
I don't see how things could possibly get any better from here. I am running out of resources and it looks like I may be approaching the end of the line. I feel as though I have been tossed away like garbage after having every last drop of life squeezed out of me. I am tired. This world is just too much for me. Too alienating. People generally come off as crueler or more indifferent than I can handle. It's not everyone, but I am still just not cut out for any of this.
Thank you for reading. I am sorry if this is disorganized, rambling, whiny, or non sequitur. I'm just not feeling great. I just had to get this out.
Many years later, I had made it into college and worked one of the few available jobs in the campus area, but could not afford living expenses, so I wound up dropping out and moved to a city with better public transit and continued to work in retail, but eventually lucked into something slightly better in my early 20s and tried to make the most of it.
It was an interesting "creative" job and paid more than what a person like me could get elsewhere at the time, but the pay could still never outrun rent prices. I spent all of my adulthood bouncing from one unstable living situation to another. Horrible roommates, horrible landlords, nearly impossible to build a life. Relationships always under strain, constructive pursuits always disrupted. The job itself had a terrible habit of never providing deadlines and frequently requesting or inserting assignments at the last minute. Life became a blur.
Two years ago, I had received a raise that allowed me to move into a very cheap studio apartment and finally truly live on my own. It seemed like I could begin to turn things around and start really living life at the age of 40, but the company downsized six months later and I was laid off.
I still wonder if that final raise was hush money. I had cracked one day and spoken up about the owner's friend who had a long history of inappropriate conduct. I was backed up by the testimonies of other employees, but I still might have inadvertently sealed my own doom. It has been a year since losing my job.
I had been at that workplace for almost 18 years. I had tried my best to "go above and beyond" and have an unusual resume as a result of that, but the job and company were extremely niche and employers have gotten very specific about who they give a chance to. Custodians need custodial experience, baristas need barista experience. The ladders are being pulled up. On paper, it seems I'm not a good fit for anything and at times, I feel like the most useless person on earth. And while not diagnosed, I have also come to realize there is a chance I have had level 1 autism all along and was in the late stages of burnout.
In this past year, I've tried to come up with a plan ( I mean the optimistic type of plan ), get my head on straight, and then execute said plan, while fighting off overwhelming feelings of anxiety and depression, the kind that affect you physically and inhibit your thinking, but I have come up with nothing. I really wanted to go back to school, but I could just not work out how I would find a job that accommodates a class schedule in this economy. I was not sure if I could handle it or if there is even anything worth studying in a pragmatic sense that I would also be a good fit for, given how uncertain the future is in general right now.
I don't see how things could possibly get any better from here. I am running out of resources and it looks like I may be approaching the end of the line. I feel as though I have been tossed away like garbage after having every last drop of life squeezed out of me. I am tired. This world is just too much for me. Too alienating. People generally come off as crueler or more indifferent than I can handle. It's not everyone, but I am still just not cut out for any of this.
Thank you for reading. I am sorry if this is disorganized, rambling, whiny, or non sequitur. I'm just not feeling great. I just had to get this out.
Last edited:
