Venting how do i stop myself from wanting to get worse?

[under]

hi, im new here. my username is under so you can call me that or cyn. i dont want to give out too much information about myself because i have paranoia and trauma of police showing up to my house and sending me away unannounced but im pretty young.

last year was the worst, i tried attempting many times in december due to me losing my friends and my ex doing everything in his power to ruin my life. in january i was sent to the ward for seven days. in febuary one of my good online friends emotionally groomed me and made me have some suicide pact with him / cut for him, used me for sexual desires and all that fun stuff and more. over time these past months ive slowly gotten better. ive secured myself a job, i started doing online school since i was getting harassed in public school, im adopting a cat today. but for some reason i cant help myself from feeling disgusting. i want to get worse, i want to fulfill the wish that i so desperately craved this time last year, suicide. to make all those people who ruined me feel something horrible.

i dont know what im doing wrong, i dont know why im not okay with my life now even tho im not so sad anymore. i dont know why i still cant make new friends, i dont know why i bother living on airplane mode.

admittedly, im still in contact with the friend that groomed me. admittedly i tell him i hate him for what he did sometimes but deep down i wish he would fulfill his promise, to drive where i live just to kill me by strangulation and then kill himself. or not. i dont care what he decides to do with himself, i just feel too much of a pussy to do it myself.
no matter how much i drink to be able to kill myself, i feel myself fade and i get scared. what do i have to live for? why do i bother when i know my life is only going to get worse again and become harder?

my life isnt bad anymore. but i can still feel what she felt. myself from last year. i still think what she does. shes still telling me to hurry up and do it. shes right. but i can't accept that. do i succumb to her and become worse all over again or do i continue to live on airplane mode?

i have nobody left to go to, what do i do?

 

[U. A.]

Sorry to hear of your hardships. These are no small things.
The only thing I have to say is shit circumstances being in the past in the outside world ≠ them being in the past in your internal world. Recovery is a long hard road and bad periods are normal.