Help How do I cope with the guilt of having SI when I have a partner

[sinnrr-sistrr]

I've mentionned my gf a couple times and how supportive and lovely and amazing she is, but reading some of your posts about losing a partner to suicide has honestly made me start to feel guilty about my suicidal ideation.

I was about to hurt myself real bad tuesday (borderline an attempt, though I know it wouldn't have killed me), and I talked it through with my gf and I feel so guilty about even the idea of making her sad.

No, it wouldn't make her sad, it would devastate her, it would crush her, it would scar her for life and I know it... yet... the SI is still there, in a constant push and pull with the guilt of hurting her.

How do I deal with those conflicting feelings that are tearing me up?
How do I live with myself knowing that, deep inside me, I want something that would destroy the most important person in my life?

 

[MapleS]

You can have thoughts and emotions and they are valid no matter what. But what you DO with them is what you can control.

You may want to kill ypurself and choose not to. You can make safety plans not to hurt youself and you can work on recovery to not kill yourself and make her miserable.

Love is a choice. Suicide is also a choice and you don't need to act on your emotions.

So don't feel guilty about your feelings but about your ACTIONS

 

[gottagorightnow]

I've mentionned my gf a couple times and how supportive and lovely and amazing she is, but reading some of your posts about losing a partner to suicide has honestly made me start to feel guilty about my suicidal ideation.

I was about to hurt myself real bad tuesday (borderline an attempt, though I know it wouldn't have killed me), and I talked it through with my gf and I feel so guilty about even the idea of making her sad.

No, it wouldn't make her sad, it would devastate her, it would crush her, it would scar her for life and I know it... yet... the SI is still there, in a constant push and pull with the guilt of hurting her.

How do I deal with those conflicting feelings that are tearing me up?
How do I live with myself knowing that, deep inside me, I want something that would destroy the most important person in my life?

Honestly, my partner didn't once mention it to me and I wish he had. I wish I'd known those feelings were there. Maybe it wouldn't have changed his decision, but it wouldn't have been so shocking. Your gf might be different and I obviously don't know either of you but I wish he would have told me. So at the very least that I could have seen that part of him he felt so ashamed of and let him know I still loved him. He might not have believed it but I wish I could have.

And there's nothing wrong with you for having those conflicting feelings. Ultimately, I think it would've been exceptionally selfish for me to say my partner should've stayed and been miserable for me. People have to want to stay here for themselves. Ironically, now that I've lost my partner and now my own will to live, I see that as much as my friends love me and want me to stay, I can't decide to stay here for them. It has to be for me. I don't know that I would've understood that before this happened but I do now.

Sending you hugs.

 

[PainWorseThanDeath]

I was struggling with the same thing, until I realized that that guilt was my heart telling me that I was wrong.

Everyone's situation is different, but I almost cashed in prematurely out of fear of something that may or may not happen... and even if it did, it wouldn't have been worth fucking killing myself over.

I'm disappointed mad at myself that I came this goddamn close. I have the entire kit set up and ready to go. Whenever my fiance wakes up we are disposing of it.

In a world that wants people like me to lay down and die, I'm not going to comply.

 

[sinnrr-sistrr]

I was struggling with the same thing, until I realized that that guilt was my heart telling me that I was wrong.

Everyone's situation is different, but I almost cashed in prematurely out of fear of something that may or may not happen... and even if it did, it wouldn't have been worth fucking killing myself over.

I'm disappointed mad at myself that I came this goddamn close. I have the entire kit set up and ready to go. Whenever my fiance wakes up we are disposing of it.

In a world that wants people like me to lay down and die, I'm not going to comply.

How were you wrong exactly? How did your guilt make you realize you were wrong? Did it disappear afterwards?

 

[PainWorseThanDeath]

How were you wrong exactly? How did your guilt make you realize you were wrong? Did it disappear afterwards?

I was wrong in the sense that suicide was NOT the right call. Guilt was my heart telling me that there are still people in my life that loved the hell out of me, and that I would be devastating them. That's a reason to fucking live, y'all! Those are people one can lean on, at least in my case. They are the people that make life worth it no matter what.

I used to be a very lonely person. A very, very lonely person.. and I was really suicidal then... so I can't throw away what I have, now that my life is better than it's ever been.

I survived all the shit that I survived, to get here. I'll be damned if I'm going to give it up!

 

[sinnrr-sistrr]

Guilt was my heart telling me that there are still people in my life that loved the hell out of me, and that I would be devastating them. That's a reason to fucking live, y'all! Those are people one can lean on, at least in my case. They are the people that make life worth it no matter what.

I see what you're saying, I just have trouble justifying my life for others. Like, I don't like the idea that I must live if only to not make others sad if I die. I love my gf to death (quite literally), yes, but I feel like I've been living for others for years now. I don't know how to turn that love into hope...

 

[PainWorseThanDeath]

For me, that love is my hope, but maybe you and I are in different situations, idk. Like I said, I love my life. I'm filled with joy being surrounded by the people that love me. Sure, I'm slowly dying of incurable disease, and the world, and especially my town hates my trans-ass..

The dudes around here don't know whether they want to fight me or fuck me, and at times they have done both.

But outside of that bullshit, I have a pretty good life. I've got a roof over my head, I'm able to get food in my belly, even if I live on disability benefits... and I've got people that love me. That's all I need.

I may be impoverished, but I am happy, so long as I stay away from people that try to cause me trouble. What that means is, I'm going to have to start staying the hell at home, so people don't make shit up about me. I won't be leaving my house without my fiance, or other friends, until we move away.

There have been times when I did not even have that. There have been times that I've been all alone in the world, and fucking starving.. I survived being raped and tortured ... and I made it through all of that... I'm not going to give society what it wants, NOW, after all I have survived, and have my name called out on TDOR.

Nah... I'm taking my life by the reigns.