Today I might have reached a new lowest point. I wasn't able to do almost anything. My partner assigned me to do some laundry and it took me almost the whole day to start doing it. My energy is super low due to depression. It's been a spiral downwards for about a month now, I wonder how low it will get. I want to say I don't care anymore, but you know how the brain is, a few minutes later I'll feel like caring again, have some hope and disappointment. I sometimes don't know how much of that is in my head. Well, all of it, obviously, our head is where it all comes from. I keep making choices, that make me suffer even more. My mum agreed to take care of me once I get there end of the month, but I know I'll be a huge burden on her, and it makes me feel extra guilty, but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. If only I could have control over my actions, but my brain keeps sabotaging itself. I oftentimes know the right thing to do to feel better, but I get stuck on trying to force myself to make the first moves. Or I would do the first move and the forget where I was going with it, my brain is so foggy due to depression and inactivity. Last night my brain decided to remind me if yet another thing my mania destroyed for me, something I really cared about. I was on top of the game just about a year ago. Can you believe that? All gone due to a long lasting manic episode or schizophrenia or whatever it was, I couldn't get the diagnosis this time just yet. My mental illness f* up my life 17 years ago and for that long I thought I'm healed or something, but then it f* it all up once again and I think I'm even lower now than before, because plus being older with less rebound options. It sucks, I was long afraid I'll be in this state again and there I am.
I'm just observing it all getting worse by day, or by week, cause some days are better than others. My mind keeps trying to come up with narratives on how it's all happening for a good reason, but these narratives don't really help, maybe the opposite, since I'm less prone to activly countering it, I just keep accepting "fate" and hence keep choosing the misery. I must be very grateful to not having to go through it alone, but my partner won't stick around much longer too, I don't even know why she's still here, I'm such a downer. She's trying to help, but her resources are also scarce, I'm in one of the poorer countries rn, where I can't even just go to therapy. Why am I going through all this? Am I being punished? Ok, then keep the punishment coming, I just hope it will be over soon and not too many people in my surroundings get messed up along the way. I'm ok to accept my own suffering for as long as I need, if it didn't affect others. But it does though!
