how am i supposed to meet people

[Kokonoe]

i moved into a big city a couple months ago. there is so much around me and i am surrounded by people everywhere. and yet i am still just as isolated as when i lived in the middle of nowhere. it is so crushing to be isolated and alone within a sea of people. how in the world am i supposed to meet anyone at all? i just don't understand it. i don't have any idea of what to do.

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

As someone in that same situation; YOU DON'T :D ! All the ''social places'' usually are only filled with... unique individuals, volunteering has no one your age, and that's about it unless you enjoy bars.

 

[fishperson]

when i was in this siutation i tried dating apps but it was miserable and didnt work at all for me; but i guess if u are attractive with enough luck it might. but would it be satisfying to get attention just because of ur looks idk anymore. everything is just luck tbh

 

[Kokonoe]

As someone in that same situation; YOU DON'T :D ! All the ''social places'' usually are only filled with... unique individuals, volunteering has no one your age, and that's about it unless you enjoy bars.

yeah....that's what i thought. it feels so hopeless. even going to bars feels like it wouldn't help. i haven't really been to one before but going alone to a bar sounds like asking to just sit alone and be miserable. and i feel like all i'd get from a bar is hit on or worse.

my sister was fighting with me today and saying i should just "go out and meet people right now" like it's just that easy. and guess what, i did. and i didn't meet anyone at all, exactly like i thought. idk what she expects to happen at all. i'm not like her in the slightest. good things don't just happen to me for free.

when i was in this siutation i tried dating apps but it was miserable and didnt work at all for me; but i guess if u are attractive with enough luck it might. but would it be satisfying to get attention just because of ur looks idk anymore. everything is just luck tbh

yeah dating apps are not it. firstly bc i cant take good pics of myself so i cant even make a profile. and secondly bc i am not looking for hookups and that's all people will want from me on a dating app. i just want to meet people and not be alone in my home 24/7..

 

[Fresh Soju]

i moved into a big city a couple months ago. there is so much around me and i am surrounded by people everywhere. and yet i am still just as isolated as when i lived in the middle of nowhere. it is so crushing to be isolated and alone within a sea of people. how in the world am i supposed to meet anyone at all? i just don't understand it. i don't have any idea of what to do.

Sadly modern life is just very isolated and alone unless you're lucky for the most part.
You can meet people, sure, but how I haven't had luck making actual friends or even acquaintances or even "friends I see when I do X".
And the ones that do respond well to me tend to be more unique and special, which isn't a problem per-se but it also makes me feel more broken ig as anyone normie just sees me as a pest or trash it seems.
Ironically I do get told I am super attractive(?), but again only from the nerdy types and more unique types so idk how to respond to that..

Feels shit either way.

 

[Esc9434]

Nextdoor app (depending on your country), county events (depending on your country), volunteering, church, meetup.com, professional organizations, hobbies, neighbors, and etc.

EDIT: I heard Bumble has a BFF app.

 

[Fresh Soju]

Nextdoor app (depending on your country), county events (depending on your country), volunteering, church, meetup.com, professional organizations, hobbies, neighbors, and etc.

EDIT: I heard Bumble has a BFF app.

All of that largely depends on the culture of where you live.
Apps can be totally useless, and the ppl you meet at church, events, hobbies can refuse to make friends with you beyond just being with you at said locations.
Your neighbors can be too scared or refuse to make friends with you as well — or pretend to make friends with you then ghost you when they move so idk.

USA probably one of the easier countries to make at least superficial friends at, though, in my experience, as people naturally gravitate towards small talk and talking to strangers, whereas in other cultures can be outright weird if you smile or borderline acknowledge other humans' existence.

 

[aufrechtm7]

I didn't bother with any apps. Maybe see if your area has a Facebook group for people your age or hobbies you're interested in.

What worked for me is the idea that you need to take yourself out of your comfort zone, I went to this bar alone with the intention of meeting up with this guy and some of his coworkers and they ended up being a super cool group of biochemists. Ever since meeting them we'd go out at night at least once a week. Part of making friends is weeding out the trash from the gold, you're bound to meet some good people eventually.

 

[NotSoEnchanted]

Have you tried Bumble BFF? Years ago when I lived in the city and was trying to make friends, I used that app and had success. I met a handful of very kind and cool people, but unfortunately didn't have the mental capacity to be a proper friend, and ended up ghosting them. Regardless the app worked for me, so maybe it'll work for you too

 

[Kokonoe]

I didn't bother with any apps. Maybe see if your area has a Facebook group for people your age or hobbies you're interested in.

What worked for me is the idea that you need to take yourself out of your comfort zone, I went to this bar alone with the intention of meeting up with this guy and some of his coworkers and they ended up being a super cool group of biochemists. Ever since meeting them we'd go out at night at least once a week. Part of making friends is weeding out the trash from the gold, you're bound to meet some good people eventually.

i understand i need to be out of my comfort zone and it feels like whenever i try nothing happens, and i still end up miserable.
i went for a walk after posting this thread and it was just so isolating to see all these groups of friends and couples having a good time. it's not i'm somewhere i shouldn't be. at least the weather was nice. i liked feeling the breeze by the bridge.

but also like, i can't even find a guy/girl to go meet up with alone at a bar like that...i am completely alone in my life and have nowhere to even start other than hope someone talks to me. i don't know what to do..

Have you tried Bumble BFF? Years ago when I lived in the city and was trying to make friends, I used that app and had success. I met a handful of very kind and cool people, but unfortunately didn't have the mental capacity to be a proper friend, and ended up ghosting them. Regardless the app worked for me, so maybe it'll work for you too

i stay away from apps bc i don't know how to make a good profile or anything like that, but i'll at least check it out. thank you.

 

[etherealgoddess]

i moved into a big city a couple months ago. there is so much around me and i am surrounded by people everywhere. and yet i am still just as isolated as when i lived in the middle of nowhere. it is so crushing to be isolated and alone within a sea of people. how in the world am i supposed to meet anyone at all? i just don't understand it. i don't have any idea of what to do.

I remember there was some theme that mentioned this in the Great Gatsby. In the big city, people could party and do outlandish things because it was a big city, and they would blend in with the hundreds of thousands of people in the city. In a small town, you'll get punished. It's ironic that in a big city, we feel so lonely.

The only way you can make friends is by doing an activity regularly. I'd say find the hobby that you like doing the most and then keep meeting up with people who do that hobby. Friendship is something that you cannot force. The dating apps or friendship apps are genuinely so strange from an evolutionary standpoint. We are not designed to find friends on an app because dating apps are based on the assumption that you meet people on an app. The reality is that the first step of meeting someone is being in the same room without talking on a personal level. It's like when you're in a room and are only talking about the activity that is in common and then keeping your discussion based on that. Going immediately to trying to talk to each other and getting to know each other is overwhelming and is not natural. So the only way to get that friendship or relationship is by being around the same people for a long period of time.

 

[Kokonoe]

I remember there was some theme that mentioned this in the Great Gatsby. In the big city, people could party and do outlandish things because it was a big city, and they would blend in with the hundreds of thousands of people in the city. In a small town, you'll get punished. It's ironic that in a big city, we feel so lonely.

The only way you can make friends is by doing an activity regularly. I'd say find the hobby that you like doing the most and then keep meeting up with people who do that hobby. Friendship is something that you cannot force. The dating apps or friendship apps are genuinely so strange from an evolutionary standpoint. We are not designed to find friends on an app because dating apps are based on the assumption that you meet people on an app. The reality is that the first step of meeting someone is being in the same room without talking on a personal level. It's like when you're in a room and are only talking about the activity that is in common and then keeping your discussion based on that. Going immediately to trying to talk to each other and getting to know each other is overwhelming and is not natural. So the only way to get that friendship or relationship is by being around the same people for a long period of time.

the unfortunate thing is i've already met everyone i really could through my hobbies. that's how i've always done it. but now at both the locals i used to go to i have to stay in the same room with 2 of my abusive ex's in either option, one of which containing both my rapist and the girl who cheated on me. so i can't say i'm fond of still using my hobbies to meet people anymore. it's been the same group of people for ages and they've all treated me horribly, none of them are my friends anymore sadly.
and both of those hobbies i've grown more and more disinterested in after being cast out socially bc of that. so idk what hobbies i can even engage with anymore...i wish i still had something like that i could do. i miss my hobbies.
the rest of my hobbies are also solitary things like art anyways, so those aren't exactly helpful here..

 

[etherealgoddess]

the unfortunate thing is i've already met everyone i really could through my hobbies. that's how i've always done it. but now at both the locals i used to go to i have to stay in the same room with 2 of my abusive ex's in either option, one of which containing both my rapist and the girl who cheated on me. so i can't say i'm fond of still using my hobbies to meet people anymore. it's been the same group of people for ages and they've all treated me horribly, none of them are my friends anymore sadly.
and both of those hobbies i've grown more and more disinterested in after being cast out socially bc of that. so idk what hobbies i can even engage with anymore...i wish i still had something like that i could do. i miss my hobbies.
the rest of my hobbies are also solitary things like art anyways, so those aren't exactly helpful here..

Hugs hugs hugs hugs I am so sorry </3

 

[violetforever]

i was hoping the replies would have advice bc i have the same problem :/ i mean i guess i do meet people but thats where it ends. i meet them and know them but nothing comes from it. i dont have any friends. at most i can say i have a school acquaintance since i sit and talk in class with this boy now and we talked outside of class once too. i had to initiate it though. people just dont seem to want to socialize? theyd rather their phones or they already have friends. my classmates scroll on their phones before and during class and i dont get it. you have people around you and you still choose to do that?! i try to be off of my phone as much as i can at school so i can be present and approachable but it really makes no difference. i hope i dont sound like im putting the blame on everyone else. im shy and awkward so its partially my fault too.

 

[aufrechtm7]

but also like, i can't even find a guy/girl to go meet up with alone at a bar like that...i am completely alone in my life and have nowhere to even start other than hope someone talks to me. i don't know what to do..

When you go outside, do you frequent any specific areas? I'd just start with compliments if it can come off as being natural, like you see a cute dog or someone with cool shoes or nice makeup. It really helps get your foot in the door and it doesn't come off as being weird, like if you were to compliment someone's body.

Trust your gut with who you choose to compliment, it doesn't have to be everybody but it'll help build a pattern. All it takes is one to involve yourself with a much bigger group of friends after all.

 

[Off_Switch]

Work is the way most people meet.

 

[Kokonoe]

i was hoping the replies would have advice bc i have the same problem :/ i mean i guess i do meet people but thats where it ends. i meet them and know them but nothing comes from it. i dont have any friends. at most i can say i have a school acquaintance since i sit and talk in class with this boy now and we talked outside of class once too. i had to initiate it though. people just dont seem to want to socialize? theyd rather their phones or they already have friends. my classmates scroll on their phones before and during class and i dont get it. you have people around you and you still choose to do that?! i try to be off of my phone as much as i can at school so i can be present and approachable but it really makes no difference. i hope i dont sound like im putting the blame on everyone else. im shy and awkward so its partially my fault too.

i feel that. i meet people and then it like immediately ends. i struggle with the first part, but past that it just becomes "how do i talk to you more than once".
i'm trying to look at it through the lens of at least it's something to do, though. like even if i meet someone and never talk to them again, at least it was something, and maybe it was enjoyable even.
i totally get it though. no one wants to seem to socialize at all. everyone seems so unapproachable. idk what to do about it, if anything.

When you go outside, do you frequent any specific areas? I'd just start with compliments if it can come off as being natural, like you see a cute dog or someone with cool shoes or nice makeup. It really helps get your foot in the door and it doesn't come off as being weird, like if you were to compliment someone's body.

Trust your gut with who you choose to compliment, it doesn't have to be everybody but it'll help build a pattern. All it takes is one to involve yourself with a much bigger group of friends after all.

that makes sense. there's a couple places i like to frequent. maybe i'll give something like that a shot. thank you.

Work is the way most people meet.

unfortunately i can't work, so that's out of the question for me :c

 

[violetforever]

i feel that. i meet people and then it like immediately ends. i struggle with the first part, but past that it just becomes "how do i talk to you more than once".
i'm trying to look at it through the lens of at least it's something to do, though. like even if i meet someone and never talk to them again, at least it was something, and maybe it was enjoyable even.
i totally get it though. no one wants to seem to socialize at all. everyone seems so unapproachable. idk what to do about it, if anything.

thats where its also partially my fault. i dont know how to talk with people more than once either. i talked to a girl in my class and we shared so much and had similarities that i was sure we could become acquaintances. we havent even talked since because i just dont know what else to say or how to approach her really. i look at it the same way you mentioned. at least we just had that one nice talk/moment. as a shy person, thats like progress for me :p

 

[Pluto]

 

[fadedghost]

meetup.com often has groups and other join them who are new to areas.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Have you looked into short courses or clubs in your area, evening or part time courses? I think it helps to have a shared interest.

A rambling/ walking club might be a good option. Nothing much else to do but walk, enjoy the scenary and chat to one another.

I've gotten chatting to people on coach trips before. It was mainly older people I guess but- it seemed like there were friend groups there- who regularly visited places together.

I think you need something where the people are going to be there for some time. I'm guessing the majority of people out and about in the city are busy with their day- not necessarily looking to sit down and find a friend. Maybe bars are different but, I get the sense they may be more about hook ups rather than finding friendship.

 

[ih34rty0u]

i've been feeling similar my whole life. i swear everyone already has "their own" people and they're not open to any new relationships. my acquaintances end the moment i leave university buildings.

i used to find comfort in connecting with people online, but it's not enough for me anymore. i need someone who would actually hang out with me, in order to fill the void longtime loneliness has put in me. the only reason one of my online friendships has survived is because we met a few times irl, but this person lives too far to meet up regularly.

i swear 99,9% of people irl completely ignore me all the time, passing me in the corridors without saying a single word or even looking at me. whenever im the one to talk first it never works out, im the only one engaging. it makes me wonder if im being perceived as gross or disgusting. i don't think i can do anything, ive already done more than enough in the past, so i just exist miserably in my own personal hell.