Story Hopium is a dangerous, powerful drug

[flakeyknight]

My grades were at an all time high. I had aspirations to get a summer/fall internship and workout to overcome my physical injuries. I applied to several hundred companies and had a total of 6 interviews. I fucked up all of them despite practicing. And my physical condition didn't get better and I was reminded of why I quit in the first place. During this 6 month stretch, I stopped accessing this website. Reliable SN sources were taken down while I was gone and now I can only access more questionable ones. I wish I had known it was hopeless anyway. I should have accepted that I was never going to improve my interview ability or social skills or that my physical condition would never get better. I could have ordered before it was too late but I was fooling myself into thinking things would get better in my career. Now I flip flop between wanting to CTB and waiting it out because of the uncertainty of my SN's effectiveness.

 

[WonderingSoul]

Your experience is just like mine ! I left this site for a period of time because I tried to improve my life. I got a couple of A's in college and I got a new job over the summer. However, last month, things just kept getting worse for me. My parents want me to do even more work now. Two part time jobs and college. Same with my boss. Nobody is giving me a break. I'm pissed at the fact that SN sources are being taken down too !

 

[igl00]

Yep I got a good job and doing really good in school so far but now the magic has worn off… everybody at work is pissing me off and seeing school is pointless because it's going to take me at least 3+ years to get where I want to be which feels like forever… I want to quit and jump ship … but I can't… trying to find a new job so I can at least have income

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it cruel how people cannot just have the option to reliably leave this existence whenever they wish to, it's horrible how they take away the SN sources even know there is no limit as to how unbearable existing can get. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Now I flip flop between wanting to CTB and waiting it out because of the uncertainty of my SN's effectiveness.

Don't know how there could uncertainty about SNa effectiveness when it's been documented, discussed and revised time and time again throughout the years on the forum but I understand, that could be fear/si talking more than a lack of knowledge in terms of what we know about SN and whether or not, it is effective or the fact that more reliable sources have been purged from free access and only the questionable sources remain.

 

[carac]

Can I ask what your physical condition is? Have you been told that it will never get better? Are there other people that have the same thing, how do they get on with it?

 

[flakeyknight]

Don't know how there could uncertainty about SNa effectiveness when it's been documented, discussed and revised time and time again throughout the years on the forum but I understand, that could be fear/si talking more than a lack of knowledge in terms of what we know about SN and whether or not, it is effective or the fact that more reliable sources have been purged from free access and only the questionable sources remain.

I had a few sources but for a while now. Since my family doesn't have a lot of money we need to turn off AC during summers or set them in the 80s to prevent our AC from being overworked. Afraid the humidity has made the SN less effective. I have a few new sources but missed out on a well known source here while I took a hiatus.

Can I ask what your physical condition is? Have you been told that it will never get better? Are there other people that have the same thing, how do they get on with it?

Broken leg turned into all sorts of issues. Was told I could be cleared to run and play sports. Didnt do that but walked a lot. Turns out I was harming myself by not fixing the muscle imbalance. Now I have issues with my plantar fascia, patellar tendon and ankle tendon. Too much overreliance on my good leg also resulted in plica syndrome. A flap of vestigial tissue in your knees can thicken with overuse and gets pinched constantly. Surgery will probably result in more pain or the plica regrowing. It's hard to do any exercises on the broken leg because my good leg also flares up when I try to squat or wall sit. It was maybe 90% preventable had I been told what to do but I wasn't until it was too late by my new doctors. I should have been cutting down on walking and doing more leg day at home.

Yep I got a good job and doing really good in school so far but now the magic has worn off… everybody at work is pissing me off and seeing school is pointless because it's going to take me at least 3+ years to get where I want to be which feels like forever… I want to quit and jump ship … but I can't… trying to find a new job so I can at least have income

Honestly I don't even know if having money will make me less suicidal. I want to CTB not just because of the pain but also because the pain prevents me from getting a temporary blue collar job I can do to pay of some debts and the mental health toll impacts my desire to study and find a white collar job, which I need to find for stable health and dental insurance.

Your experience is just like mine ! I left this site for a period of time because I tried to improve my life. I got a couple of A's in college and I got a new job over the summer. However, last month, things just kept getting worse for me. My parents want me to do even more work now. Two part time jobs and college. Same with my boss. Nobody is giving me a break. I'm pissed at the fact that SN sources are being taken down too !

I wish I was at least passively browing this site for SN sources. I missed out on CCS as a result and now im back to where I started. Wish I CTBd 2 years ago.

 

[igl00]

Honestly I don't even know if having money will make me less suicidal. I want to CTB not just because of the pain but also because the pain prevents me from getting a temporary blue collar job I can do to pay of some debts and the mental health toll impacts my desire to study and find a white collar job, which I need to find for stable health and dental insurance.

Tbh I don't know if money would solve my problems because I don't even make that much because I work part time. I guess when I mean I found a good job it is a entry level position that could open a lot of doors for me but the social ladder climbing and dick sucking and backstabbing I have to do is just… making me tired, miserable, anxious. Also at work I've been making very careless small day to day mistakes that could cost me the job… Plus I have to go back to school to even get the stamp of approval because they gate keep positions. But this brings me back to hopium lol like damn why did I get so hopeful because everything just seems like shit now. And I'm taking 1 class but I'm definitely in the top 10% of the class. I immediately want to give up because I am scared of just fucking it all up and I feel like I have to be TOP of all the classes in order to get through the door because of how much I fucked around and never found out…until now… idk I feel weak incompetent. Yeah also this job does not provide me healthcare so it's like yeah… I really am on the hopium that I can get to the next level but it's just been adding up and I feel like I'm never going to get there… also I don't wanna get started on the working environment but yeah… i like to think that money could solve my problems but I've never been there to come to that conclusion where finances aren't an issue… I just rambled…