have u ever thought that killing yourself would be a better ending than just dying normally

[3spiral]

as a kid I had a really strong fear of death. I didn't want to just stop existing. these thoughts would generate panic that would sometimes make me lose control of my body for a few moments (for example, running towards my parents and then stopping in front of them and not knowing what to do because I wasn't really thinking). this made me avoid these thoughts at all costs and I still do

for some reason at that time I thought that the death panic was so bad that it would be better to hate life so that I won't be bothered in case I lost it. this is weird to me because some people are really unbothered by the fact that they will die someday, and don't even think about it that often. does it not take just being alive to be afraid of death? I remember as a kid it felt as if I was gonna just get really old in a blink and die. maybe I was also afraid of the passage of time

I remember I also had a little habit of "confirming" the existance of time. when I knew something was about to happen I would usually think "when I'm there, I'm gonna remember this moment right now" so that I could sort of create a relationship between past and future/present. this is not related to the fear of death at all I just thought it was kinda cute looking back now and I wondered if someone else also did this lol

anyway, it's kind of weird that I'd want to deal with my fear of death with dying right?? does any of this actually make sense?

 

[voirpoet.]

i had an extreme fear of sudden death especially in my preteens and early teens. i'd much rather do it myself and know when im going to die rather than it just sneaking up on me

 

[froggirl9000]

Yes. I have constantly had the thought that I would like to see death coming so I could actively prepare myself for it rather than it just randomly hitting me.

 

[LeonSoHelpMe]

That's crazy I litteraly still do that thing where I'm in the moment and then telll myself I'll remember this when I'm there in the future

 

[Quietist]

It's such a catch-22 for me.

On the one hand, with suicide, especially if I were getting medically euthanized, I could have control over it, ensure that it's peaceful, but I feel like knowing in my heart that I'm about to die would add so much pressure and anxiety, wondering what's going to await me on the other side.

 

[3spiral]

i had an extreme fear of sudden death especially in my preteens and early teens. i'd much rather do it myself and know when im going to die rather than it just sneaking up on me

yeah, I had this fear coming back really strongly in my mid teens and became really obsessed with death, researching how other people thought about it and trying to find a way to accept it but I really couldn't do that...

That's crazy I litteraly still do that thing where I'm in the moment and then telll myself I'll remember this when I'm there in the future

that's cute lol. I stopped doing it after I grew up but I still remember one moment from my childhood that I told myself I would remember once I reached adulthood. it's weird because I feel like I'm not exactly the same person anymore and this kid is a different person whose memories I keep

 

[orpheus_]

I could have literally written this post, as a kid I was so scared of dying that I would do some absolutely absurd things. Like when I was like 6 I found out that people could choke on food and stopped eating anything solid for a few months, for some time I refused to swallow even liquid things (quite ironic, as I also *knew* one could die of malnutrition...). Or I would have panic attacks (?) at night thinking my heart stopped or some shit. As I got older these fears got less irrational but they were still there and I learnt to hide them from other people. It honestly only got away when I started actually wanting to die although I had this weird phase around high school when at the same time I was suicidal and feared sudden death and those two apparently did NOT cancel out. For me there is nothing besides either suicidality or fear of death.