cryvinglightning
it gets worse before it gets better.
- Oct 27, 2023
- 102
first of all, happy new year to everyone on SaSu. despite everything we're going through, i hope 2024 brings some relief to all of us.
in order to keep my thoughts in check and not just vent to my friends, i started keeping a journal. i update it whenever i feel stressed and overwhelmed, and it's kind of been helping me relieve stress. i write about a bit of everything, from what i did during the day, to the time i spend with my friends (and if i fought with anyone; it happened recently) and even my CTB thoughts, because i need a place to put everything that isn't necessarily my brain.
to be honest i've been "careless" with this notebook, in the sense that i simply left it on my desk rather than put it in a drawer or under my bed or whatever. after all, i'm almost twenty years old. you'd think that at this age i'd be allowed to keep secrets. apparently, that is not the case.
last saturday, my mom picked me up after i came home from hanging out with my group of friends. she didn't say a word to me for the entire evening and almost seemed pissed off. i figured it was something that happened during the day, because my mom gets stressed rather easily and i know for a fact that on saturday she had to meet with family (that always does a number on her mood). but she spoke normally to my brothers, so then it couldn't have been it. she was pissed at me SPECIFICALLY.
the next day i was the only one home with her, and when we sat down for lunch she started asking me all these questions: if i'm satisfied with myself and my looks (i complained about it in my journal), if i'm enjoying uni (i mentioned that the uni i go to wasn't really my first choice in another entry), if i'm really sure about my friendship with specific people (guess what? she talked about the same people i wrote about. by name) and she told me that she'll start sending me back to therapy (to be fair i did tell her directly about this, around june last year).
the timing of this whole spiel had absolutely no sense, but the fact that on saturday she was mad at me + my desk was tidy when i came home (she cleaned it) made me connect the dots: she went through my journal and is using what i wrote on it against me. maybe she expects me to confess directly that i self harm, or that i resent her for some of her behavior or whatever she is that she read in there. i have no idea.
as of now, to be safe, i wiped my browsing history from my SaSu visits (all 200 something of them) and i changed my passwords, just to be safe. i have my first therapy appointment today and i'm also looking for journal hiding spots. if anyone has ideas, please, lay them on me.
i hope your 2024 started off better than mine.
in order to keep my thoughts in check and not just vent to my friends, i started keeping a journal. i update it whenever i feel stressed and overwhelmed, and it's kind of been helping me relieve stress. i write about a bit of everything, from what i did during the day, to the time i spend with my friends (and if i fought with anyone; it happened recently) and even my CTB thoughts, because i need a place to put everything that isn't necessarily my brain.
to be honest i've been "careless" with this notebook, in the sense that i simply left it on my desk rather than put it in a drawer or under my bed or whatever. after all, i'm almost twenty years old. you'd think that at this age i'd be allowed to keep secrets. apparently, that is not the case.
last saturday, my mom picked me up after i came home from hanging out with my group of friends. she didn't say a word to me for the entire evening and almost seemed pissed off. i figured it was something that happened during the day, because my mom gets stressed rather easily and i know for a fact that on saturday she had to meet with family (that always does a number on her mood). but she spoke normally to my brothers, so then it couldn't have been it. she was pissed at me SPECIFICALLY.
the next day i was the only one home with her, and when we sat down for lunch she started asking me all these questions: if i'm satisfied with myself and my looks (i complained about it in my journal), if i'm enjoying uni (i mentioned that the uni i go to wasn't really my first choice in another entry), if i'm really sure about my friendship with specific people (guess what? she talked about the same people i wrote about. by name) and she told me that she'll start sending me back to therapy (to be fair i did tell her directly about this, around june last year).
the timing of this whole spiel had absolutely no sense, but the fact that on saturday she was mad at me + my desk was tidy when i came home (she cleaned it) made me connect the dots: she went through my journal and is using what i wrote on it against me. maybe she expects me to confess directly that i self harm, or that i resent her for some of her behavior or whatever she is that she read in there. i have no idea.
as of now, to be safe, i wiped my browsing history from my SaSu visits (all 200 something of them) and i changed my passwords, just to be safe. i have my first therapy appointment today and i'm also looking for journal hiding spots. if anyone has ideas, please, lay them on me.
i hope your 2024 started off better than mine.
