haiii i'm new

[yui_suicisawa]

haiii i've been lurking this website for a good amount of time since i've heard about it in youtube videos (that often painted it in a poor light) but after lurking for a while i noticed that the users weren't the sadists that journalists made them out to be. i always thought that i would kill myself, but i didn't know that the thoughts i had were shared by so many people. a little about myself, but i've been struggling with suicidal ideation since i was five years old. i harmed myself for the very first time by stabbing myself in the palm with a pencil in front of my parents. my suicidal ideation has been bugging me for a good seventeen years now. i don't think that i ever got the chance to live a normal life, but i'm also coming to terms with it. i've made an account here because i've come the closest to dying that i ever had this past weekend. i don't have access to firearms and don't take drugs out of moral obligation. i know a lot of people who have died to drugs accidentally, so to knowingly take the same opiates that killed my buddies wouldn't sit right with me. my preferred method of suicide is jumping. i'm an athlete and walked thirteen kilometers on an empty stomach to attempt suicide on a mountain-range called the hanging hills. these hills have several thirty meter drops, but i'm a little worried about all the tree branches below the cliffs breaking my fall or making it unnecessarily painful. i think i want to jump with my back turned to the ground so that i can view the clouds instead of what i'll be crashing into. my last attempt didn't succeed because i backed out on the edge of the cliff. survival instinct is no joke, but i'm going to try and get it right. it feels weird because there are dozens of people that love me and hundreds of fans of my work, but i feel like i'll never be okay until i'm dead. the amount of love and care i receive cannot cure the rabid self hatred and mental illness that's inside of me. i already have an obituary written and my experience inside of a mental hospital has truly deterred me from failing again. i think that my story goes to show that someone could have everything "look good" on paper, but everything bad in their mind. i know that my suicide will baffle many, but no one truly knows what seventeen years of chronic depression will do to someone unless they've lived it. i tried counseling, i tried support groups, i tried safety plans, i tried living for others rather than myself, but this burning urge to commit suicide will never leave me. i feel like the world will be better without me, despite the people that scream at me how "good" of a person i am. every time i hear that, i feel like i'm tricking them. no matter how beloved i am in their eyes, i will always look at my reflection with disgust. i think that relationship problems were the final straw for me. i chose life for her, not myself, which is my fault, but losing her has made me lose the only thing motivating me to pursue this life. i thought that through devotion and love, i could overcome my suicidal ideation. i took a lot of emotional abuse because i didn't care. i would have let her abuse me until we were dead and old. i only wanted to be by her side. now she's gone.

 

[JeyJeyOfJeypore]

I wouldnt worry about the trees

If they break your fall thats a sign that you were meant to live

 

[yui_suicisawa]

I wouldnt worry about the trees

If they break your fall thats a sign that you were meant to live

i would like to die in one swift movement, so a clean landing would be ideal. i worked very hard to get the body i'm in now. i starved myself viciously and worked tirelessly in the gym. it sounds selfish but i'd like for this body i've crafted to be destroyed instantly rather than impaled by a branch or tumble down trees.

 

[JeyJeyOfJeypore]

i would like to die in one swift movement, so a clean landing would be ideal. i worked very hard to get the body i'm in now. i starved myself viciously and worked tirelessly in the gym. it sounds selfish but i'd like for this body i've crafted to be destroyed instantly rather than impaled by a branch or tumble down trees.

Sounds like you wanna blow yourself up

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to SaSu!

 

[yui_suicisawa]

Sounds like you wanna blow yourself up

i want my head to explode, yes, but if that isn't possible, i'd like to die with one large impact against the forest. i talk a big game but i know that ill probably be crying on the way down.

 

[JeyJeyOfJeypore]

i want my head to explode, yes, but if that isn't possible, i'd like to die with one large impact against the forest. i talk a big game but i know that ill probably be crying on the way down.

You can make a pipe bomb pillow pretty easily from pipes and disassembling cartridges

 

[youremy]

How did you go from failing your attempt by backing out from the edge to going to the mental hospital?

 

[yui_suicisawa]

How did you go from failing your attempt by backing out from the edge to going to the mental hospital?

i was sitting on the edge of the cliff for thirty minutes. i think that not preparing for the thirteen kilometer travel messed with me. i threw up while hiking and was starved. i've lost over four and a half kilograms this week alone. once i got to the top, i just wanted to fall asleep on the edge. after resting, i looked over the edge and thought, "maybe not right now!" I called a crisis hotline and they talked me off the ledge after an hour. i debated running off a separate cliff while on the phone with them, it was really hard not to because of how tempting the scenery was. i attempted suicide at seven, so the sun started to settle as i descended the mountains. it got dark and i got lost near a body of water. i didn't sign up for drowning, so i called the fire department to pick me up. after being looked at by them, they had me seen by paramedics who later threw me into a mental hospital. i was a bit too blunt with the people who found me. when they asked what i was doing out there, i told them, "just trying to kill myself ! ^_^ !!!" they struggled to believe that i wasn't pranking them. i think that the next time i attempt suicide, i'll just order a lyft or an uber to the mountain. half of the walk was just from my house to the park. if i had more energy, i probably could have fought off my survival instincts.

 

[iwkmsssb]

omg i feel you, struggling with mental illness all my life ever since i was young however i've not been diagnosed. the call of suicide has always been there in the back of my mind no matter how long or how i'm doing in life. it's always been a plan b. and i relate to you so bad on trying to live for other people, i really put in effort to plan for a future with him and i was finally looking forward to what was to come. but he's gone now despite how much effort i tried to hang on, now ive lost all motivation to keep going. i tried my hardest and i still couldn't find happiness, the world is cruel and i dont want to live in it if i have to live like this.

 

[darksouls]

hello and welcome to sasu