Goodbye SS, thank you all

[yive]

i've tried many times. you really need a lot of effort, energy and overcoming yourself to do it. life is such a terrible trap! i wish we all had an instant and painless way to leave this prison whenever we want. [but the fkn society of slave-owners, bloodsuckers and exploiters doesn't want this], so it's hell. i hate them all

 

[Rue89]

OMG.. please don't be sorry. The last thing you need is to feel pressure to do something you're not ready for . You did NOT make an ass at all of yourself..

we all experience that struggle.. there wouldn't be anyone on this forum if it was easy.

On a side note.. don't take that phenibut.. stuff is nasty for the brain.. so many horror stories of withdrawal and making anxiety worse.. have u been taking it often or is it a special occasion thing?

Natural Medicines - Phenibut warning

Natural Medicines, the Authority on Integrative Medicine

naturalmedicines.therapeuticresearch.com

But I did make an ass of myself. I did this multiple times last year. I thought the reason I couldn't do it then had a lot to do with my ctb place being outside in a fairly open space. After some time of being on SS longer and doing a lot more research on SN I thought it probably also had a lot to do with the fact that at the time I only knew the basics and I needed to know more to be comfortable with it. Now I know that I'm just a coward. I shouldn't say I'm going to do something then not go through with it. I also saw a long time ago others here talk about the emotional toll goodbye threads have on people and how when someone doesn't go through with it they're playing with people's emotions. That's stuck with me all this time, I suppose because of guilt cause that's what I've unintentionally done, and now I've done it again. I'm sorry.


I tried phenibut for the first time a couple weeks ago. I've taken it 4 times, 2 of those was Friday and last night. I'm planning to only use it occasionally.

 

[Bat 17]

I woke up feeling terrible. Awful headache and so much regret. Fuck, am I going to let my anxiety control my life forever?

No you aren't. We are all right behind you and you are an important person who matters. I am proud of you.

I also saw a long time ago others here talk about the emotional toll goodbye threads have on people and how when someone doesn't go through with it they're playing with people's emotions. That's stuck with me all this time, I suppose because of guilt cause that's what I've unintentionally done, and now I've done it again. I'm sorry.

nothing to apologise for, we are glad you are ok.

 

[Debbie Northampton U]

If in doubt, do nowt. XX

 

[FuneralCry]

I know how hard it is to ctb, it requires a lot of courage. It must be awful when you want to leave and you think it's the right time but you cannot go through with it. I wish you the best whatever you do.

 

[Ch92921]

I hope your soul will find peace.

 

[Pharmaruined]

But I did make an ass of myself. I did this multiple times last year. I thought the reason I couldn't do it then had a lot to do with my ctb place being outside in a fairly open space. After some time of being on SS longer and doing a lot more research on SN I thought it probably also had a lot to do with the fact that at the time I only knew the basics and I needed to know more to be comfortable with it. Now I know that I'm just a coward. I shouldn't say I'm going to do something then not go through with it. I also saw a long time ago others here talk about the emotional toll goodbye threads have on people and how when someone doesn't go through with it they're playing with people's emotions. That's stuck with me all this time, I suppose because of guilt cause that's what I've unintentionally done, and now I've done it again. I'm sorry.


I tried phenibut for the first time a couple weeks ago. I've taken it 4 times, 2 of those was Friday and last night. I'm planning to only use it occasionally.

Some say ctb is being a coward.. it's all perspective.. so stop beating yourself up.

. yea I've read that too about goodbye threads..fuck the ones saying your toying with emotions.. I don't think anyone feels that way here, now.

they're the type of people that get bummed when someone doesn't jump off the ledge cuz they wasted their time waiting..seriously fuck them.. just disgusting sub human scum

it'so obvious your just feeling the torment of something so permanent.. it's not hard to tell the difference..

listen don't mess with phenibut at all.. I've heard even a few doses can mess u up..there are a ton of other options for anxiety/ sleep etc.. valerian root, magnesium , adaptogenic herbs.. . And they work quite well.. no need to take that risk

 

[Jumper Geo]

Goodbye Rue,

Hope you find peace don't worry if you decide to stay it will be nice seeing your posts.

Best wishes

Geo

 

[Rue89]

My mom is home now. I was afraid that my eyes would be puffy from crying, but instead she asked why I have a black eye. I hadn't noticed. Apparently I gave myself a black eye from rubbing them so much. I told her they were just really itchy, and she bought it.

Goodbye Rue,

Hope you find peace don't worry if you decide to stay it will be nice seeing your posts.

Best wishes

Geo

I'm still here. I was a coward and didn't go through with it.

 

[Jumper Geo]

My mom is home now. I was afraid that my eyes would be puffy from crying, but instead she asked why I have a black eye. I hadn't noticed. Apparently I gave myself a black eye from rubbing them so much. I told her they were just really itchy, and she bought it.




I'm still here. I was a coward and didn't go through with it.

No problem hopefully you can find a way to recover but in the meantime, here's a song for you.

Take care



Cheers

Geo

 

[Latios]

No problem hopefully you can find a way to recover but in the meantime, here's a song for you.

Take care



Cheers

Geo

Lmao thats a great song

 

[InterstateFlowers]

Hey Rue,

I'm sorry you feel so shit right now.. I just want to add to the crowd that you're NOT a coward.. Ctbing is scary and anxiety is scarier, these human things don't make you a coward. You don't have to apologize for anything either!

 

[lifeisbutadream]

My mom is home now. I was afraid that my eyes would be puffy from crying, but instead she asked why I have a black eye. I hadn't noticed. Apparently I gave myself a black eye from rubbing them so much. I told her they were just really itchy, and she bought it.




I'm still here. I was a coward and didn't go through with it.

No not a coward. It is not your time. I think you have a lot to do yet here on earth. You sound very young...

 

[Rue89]

No not a coward. It is not your time. I think you have a lot to do yet here on earth. You sound very young...

I'm 25. Between my social anxiety and lack of social skills I often say the wrong things and sound younger than I am. I should probably shut up now. I can tell I'm making myself sound stupid and incompetent.

 

[Debbie Northampton U]

No you're not Rue, at all. You sound totally competent and "normal" to me. I'm glad you didn't go through with it. I mean, I support suicide, but sometimes we need to look at how to change our lives for the better. It's such a mega decision after all so try all options before deciding if you want to ctb xxx

 

[TooConscious]

Who is threatening Rue?

 

[Rue89]

I agree, that should be a precious and intime moment, not something to share with the world, that only leads to unnecessary pressure and anxiety

It's not so much that I want to share it with the world as it is that I don't want to die alone. It is a scary thing. Now thinking it over I believe posting it so far ahead of time may not have been the best thing, that it did add pressure, which didn't help and only resulted in me being more of a wreck. I think next time, and yes I do believe there will be a next time, that I should post it very shortly before I do it. That way I won't feel so stressed, like I have to do it, beforehand and I won't have to be alone.

No not a coward. It is not your time. I think you have a lot to do yet here on earth. You sound very young...

Hey, I want to apologize. Now rereading my response I realize that it probably came off wrong. I'm frustrated with myself, not you, because you aren't the first person here who has said that I sound young. I'm shitty at communicating, and I hate that I don't know how to fix it.

 

[lifeisbutadream]

I'm 25. Between my social anxiety and lack of social skills I often say the wrong things and sound younger than I am. I should probably shut up now. I can tell I'm making myself sound stupid and incompetent.





No you don't sound stupid and incompetant at all, Rue! You do sound like you are too self conscious and too self-critical.

It's not so much that I want to share it with the world as it is that I don't want to die alone. It is a scary thing. Now thinking it over I believe posting it so far ahead of time may not have been the best thing, that it did add pressure, which didn't help and only resulted in me being more of a wreck. I think next time, and yes I do believe there will be a next time, that I should post it very shortly before I do it. That way I won't feel so stressed, like I have to do it, beforehand and I won't have to be alone.

Hey, I want to apologize. Now rereading my response I realize that it probably came off wrong. I'm frustrated with myself, not you, because you aren't the first person here who has said that I sound young. I'm shitty at communicating, and I hate that I don't know how to fix it.

Hey, don't apologize, Rue! You're cool, just a little too self conscious and self-critical. Maybe you can work on becoming more assertive and proud and caring less about what judgemental people might say or think.

 

[IWTD]

I'm sorry, I just couldn't do it. I hate myself so much. I'm such a coward. I thought it would be easier now that I have propranolol to make it more comfortable. It eased my mind somewhat, but not enough. I'm sorry. I just made an ass of myself all over again. I'm so stupid. I don't know what to do now. Sorry.

I've had multiple failed attempts. I've recently tried using alcohol to try and get the edge. Don't feel you made an ass out of yourself. I don't think we should be trying to do the deed, I think we are just fucked up and something is wired wrong. Maybe being abused, or neglected, hated by parents or what ever is what fucked up the wiring. But it's just another day to breathe and find something to hold on to, or the meaning of it all.

 

[gtrfvr]

i think one book says it takes on average 25 attempts to succeed. So no worries, it's hard as hell to do.

 

[motel rooms]

So no worries, it's hard as hell to do.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/fearlessness-suicide.66173/

 

[Quinlor]

i think one book says it takes on average 25 attempts to succeed. So no worries, it's hard as hell to do.

25! I had only three serious attempts in my curriculum.

 

[Rue89]

I've been thinking about all the things that stopped me. I didn't say it here that night and I wish I had. Honestly a lot had to do with the process of dying, the discomfort and possible pain. I don't think it was so much death itself. I accept that I might be wrong though. I'm writing a list of all the things about it that are giving me anxiety, exploring exactly why, and possible solutions to overcome them. I might post it tomorrow to get some feedback.

Thank you all for supporting me through all this.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I'm 25. Between my social anxiety and lack of social skills I often say the wrong things and sound younger than I am. I should probably shut up now. I can tell I'm making myself sound stupid and incompetent.

I think you communicate very well.
I like reading your posts.
And you're not a coward, Rue.
I think you're very brave.

 

[MindFog]

I really don't have much to say but I hope you're feeling better now. The shock after a failed atttempt can be quite heavy, so please be careful too. Sending Hugs your way.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

i think one book says it takes on average 25 attempts to succeed. So no worries, it's hard as hell to do.

Yikes! I have one half-assed "attempt" and two practice thingies. I better get to work lol.

 

[unworthy_]

Im sorry becoz it didnt work out as planned but I am so glad you are still here with us. Im going to be hated for saying this but I hope things going to work out for you the better therefore you dont have to go through the same ordeal again.

I wish I have the courage to do it. I havent gather my tools let alone choose a suitable method. I dont know what my family would feel. I dont really hate them but I hate my existence. I dont have a purpose to live. I dont have savings and stuff. My life will be worse in ten fold in the future. A small joy is a welcome respite but thats it. I am unable to be happy as I was before last year.

 

[Rue89]

I've been thinking about all the things that stopped me. I didn't say it here that night and I wish I had. Honestly a lot had to do with the process of dying, the discomfort and possible pain. I don't think it was so much death itself. I accept that I might be wrong though. I'm writing a list of all the things about it that are giving me anxiety, exploring exactly why, and possible solutions to overcome them. I might post it tomorrow to get some feedback.

Thank you all for supporting me through all this.

I made the list. I think it helped.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/analyzing-my-anxieties-about-ctb.66237/

 

[-Tandem-]

I'm sorry, I just couldn't do it. I hate myself so much. I'm such a coward. I thought it would be easier now that I have propranolol to make it more comfortable. It eased my mind somewhat, but not enough. I'm sorry. I just made an ass of myself all over again. I'm so stupid. I don't know what to do now. Sorry.

I understand but please don't feel bad about it. At least not to us. That's why we're all here, to support each other.

 

[Im.so.tired]

Happy you are still here Rue! Don't feel bad. It is scary for everyone. I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to.