Goodbye and thank you SS-(Method- N)

[xLosthopex]

Might be worth asking but I think they only sell the generic version of N at the moment. Some of the info in the pph is out of date. I think the 200mg/ml version is coloured red and probably tastes even worse.

Ah ok… well if that is the case when I contact the seller, I'll still prob order 2 more bottles… maybe I could get away with drinking 150ml… considering ppeh says 1 bottle is enough 99% of the time but obviously none of us want to be that 1% that doesn't die for like 24hrs/the prolonged comatose state thing, but considering I'm very underweight I'd say 150ml should easily do it, in theory…

 

[Werewolf.]

I'm around 40kg and 5'9-5'10" so that's a BMI of like 12-13 so am hoping that makes the transition faster and smoother…
WHY AM I STILL JUST STARING AT THE GLASS
I'm so scared because it's so much that I will just vomit or something… I cannot afford to fail or to end up a vegetable, that is my worst fear

40kg? Wow, you remind me of my younger self. I was 29kg towards the end of elementary school. Last year I got down to 50kg from 72kg and I'm 5'10"-5'11" – to say you're underweight is an understatement!

 

[slyna]

Might be worth asking but I think they only sell the generic version of N at the moment. Some of the info in the pph is out of date. I think the 200mg/ml version is coloured red and probably tastes even worse.

Dolethal is red. Generic N is colorless.

 

[HopelessFight]

Ah ok… well if that is the case when I contact the seller, I'll still prob order 2 more bottles… maybe I could get away with drinking 150ml… considering ppeh says 1 bottle is enough 99% of the time but obviously none of us want to be that 1% that doesn't die for like 24hrs/the prolonged comatose state thing, but considering I'm very underweight I'd say 150ml should easily do it, in theory…

Don't take this the wrong way, but the lethal dose is based on weight. You'll have more than enough with one bottle. If you order 2, you can actually do 2 "attempts".

I'm sorry you had to go through this. It's nothing to be ashamed of and you certainly don't have to apologize. To be honest, I'm very scared that once I put my own N in a glass my SI will take over as well.

 

[zenn7]

I also put it in the fridge I don't know if that will make any difference…
I can't believe I did this to myself and just ended up making myself even worse and MORE desperate to ctb
Trying to calm myself down by telling myself my work has reopened so at least it will help me get more money if I need to for more N…. Also that I have my 'death by eating disorder' as my backup plan
But fuck… I did not think I could possibly have made my life even WORSE

Thank you so much
Yeah actually the smell wasn't bad at all it kinda just smelled like alcohol but the taste is just PURE bitterness, like if you took the most bitter thing you've ever eaten/tasted but removed any actual flavour
I didn't want to add anything to it to help with flavour as it would just be adding more volume… but I think I might have to add syrup or something if I'm to try again

Yeah and unfortunately I don't keep syringes and IV drips lying handy around my house


Perhaps letting my anorexia kill me(it actually won't be difficult, I've almost died multiple times from it in the last few months already) is the best option for me if I get so much into my head the moment before ctb, I can stop my mind racing thinking about all the possible things that could go wrong, because as I mentioned above, my BIGGEST fear is ending up with it not actually working and leaving me in a vegetative state or with brain damage or something…
It's ironic too though because I actually have made several attempts in the past before I found this site but those attempts were pretty much all impulsive so SI wasn't an issue, which is so annoying considering this is the time I'm actually making the decision rationally

I've been asking that Q as I read…. Isn't there something you coul add like maple syrup/vanilla???

 

[Jumping_realms]

I've been asking that Q as I read…. Isn't there something you coul add like maple syrup/vanilla???

If you mean for the bitterness/taste only, some coat their mouth with honey first.

 

[xLosthopex]

Don't take this the wrong way, but the lethal dose is based on weight. You'll have more than enough with one bottle. If you order 2, you can actually do 2 "attempts".

I'm sorry you had to go through this. It's nothing to be ashamed of and you certainly don't have to apologize. To be honest, I'm very scared that once I put my own N in a glass my SI will take over as well.

Yeah I know I should have prob just gone with the one bottle… but also I had a limited amount of time maybe like 10-12hours before my parents would have noticed so I was worried about the potential 'prolonged comatose state' that can occur with just the one bottle in like 1% of people

If you mean for the bitterness/taste only, some coat their mouth with honey first.

I'm vegan so it would have to be maple syrup for me or something lol

 

[Jumping_realms]

Yeah I know I should have prob just gone with the one bottle… but also I had a limited amount of time maybe like 10-12hours before my parents would have noticed so I was worried about the potential 'prolonged comatose state' that can occur with just the one bottle in like 1% of people

I'm vegan so it would have to be maple syrup for me or something lol

I may personally use molasses, just because it tastes stronger than honey and not as good, so it may mask the caustic taste of N better for me. At least I have thought about it in the past. Honey may hold it's flavor long enough to mask it for me, though. Either are better than nothing, to me.

 

[Rhaiyne]

Omg I definitely do not deserve such kind words but thank you so much, you're incredibly sweet

Of course you deserve them....

 

[Octavina]

Can I please have your N if you won't drink that much, I can't afford it is like £900
I want to die so badly

 

[xLosthopex]

It seemed obvious from the first post that OP wouldn't drink it. That's fine - it's her choice, no one else's. The whole point of ethical suicide is that it's up to no one but yourself when/if you take your own life. If your SI kicks in that hard it means you don't actually want to die. My advice to OP is to find a good therapist and get help with your issues.

But I can't be the only person reading this story wishing I was lucky enough to have two bottles of painless death in my hand right now.

I wholeheartedly disagree.
"Find a good therapist"- Wow, as if I never thought of that
I've been in intensive therapy for over 10 years, with many many different therapists, had countless inpatient admissions. I've already made my decision to ctb, it's not a matter of 'if' it's just a matter of when and overcoming SI, which is why I'm allowing my anorexia to kill me in the meantime as a backup as SI won't be an issue for that

Can I please have your N if you won't drink that much, I can't afford it is like £900
I want to die so badly

No

 

[xLosthopex]

What happened to the 'OMG I love everyone' person who wrote all the other messages? This is why I knew it was going to be a 'failed attempt' - because it was clearly just sympathy trawling/attention seeking. And as soon as one dissenting voice breaks through the cloud of praise, the real person - the person who dismisses Octavina's cry for help with a brusque 'No' - emerges.
I dont doubt you have had lots of therapy. I'm saying you need more. And you should send that poor woman the Nembutal you don't want. Do something for someone else. It's excellent therapy and good for the soul.

I am, and would never personally send anyone my N a) because I could still use it myself b) I am not willing to take the risk going to prison for either sending an illegal substance or assisting someone else in their ctb(my country's laws are very strict regarding assisted ctb, as many are)

And yeah ok, I went to all the trouble of obtaining N, ie selling all of my most expensive belongings, risking getting arrested or getting sectioned… all for 'attention' ?? Really ?? Do you not realize how much I fucking hate myself right now for fucking up this attempt, I don't see what you're trying to get out of this, if you want to make me feel like shit don't waste your time and energy because I literally could not feel any worse about myself already.

 

[Lost Magic]

What happened to the 'OMG I love everyone' person who wrote all the other messages? This is why I knew it was going to be a 'failed attempt' - because it was clearly just sympathy trawling/attention seeking. And as soon as one dissenting voice breaks through the cloud of praise, the real person - the person who dismisses Octavina's cry for help with a brusque 'No' - emerges.
I dont doubt you have had lots of therapy. I'm saying you need more. And you should send that poor woman the Nembutal you don't want. Do something for someone else. It's excellent therapy and good for the soul.

what an utterly tasteless and rude person you are. Shame on you!

 

[Lost Magic]

You weren't ever going to take it in the first place
You just want to rub in the fact that you got an easy way out
Not fair : (

Why would someone go to all the hassle of buying expensive Nembutal to decide never to take it? And you can't just ask forum members to send you illegal substances. What a jackass you and that Liverpool fan are. No empathy or decency whatsoever.

 

[Lost Magic]

I'm not a jackass you are

okay jackass. I'm done with your jackass.

 

[BrokenArrow]

@Octavina I'm having a really hard time understanding why you think you're entitled to OP's N.

 

[Octavina]

okay jackass. I'm done with your jackass.

I'm not one shut up

@Octavina I'm having a really hard time understanding why you think you're entitled to OP's N.

I'm not I was just asking if they didn't want it anymore

 

[angelus]

It seemed obvious from the first post that OP wouldn't drink it. That's fine - it's her choice, no one else's. The whole point of ethical suicide is that it's up to no one but yourself when/if you take your own life. If your SI kicks in that hard it means you don't actually want to die. My advice to OP is to find a good therapist and get help with your issues.

But I can't be the only person reading this story wishing I was lucky enough to have two bottles of painless death in my hand right now.

Well, I think that's not true. When SI kicks in, it's not that you don't want to die. SI is an instinct, while your wish to die is conscious. If the instinct gets greater than your reason, you still have the reason but you find yourself unable to do it. So you have to fool the SI.

 

[LansJ70]

If you still have it in the fridge, why the need to order more?

If I were a therapist (yuk) I'd think that actually you do not want to die, but rather you feel like you have no control over your life, and so ordering more and more with, as you pointed out, the risk of getting caught importing it and facing locking up in a psych ward or prison even, then that would take the necessity to control your own life out of your hands so someone else can do it for you.

I'm not trying to insult you, or say anything bad about you, just rather perhaps your issue is a feeling of lack of control in your own life, or the fear to take responsibility of your life, or even of being alone/lonely.

E'g' you still live with your parents, so they take the responsibility for a roof over your head, etc.

I'm guessing that your parents are quite old, relatively speaking, e.g. compared to other people your age and the ages of their parents.

When they die I will be all alone and will have to run everything. Etc. If you see what I mean.

Peace to you whatever you do or decide to do.

 

[HopelessFight]

If you still have it in the fridge, why the need to order more?

There's something called "shelf life", not sure if you ever heard of it...

It's unbelievable how toxic people on this forum can be sometimes. Or judging people without knowing anything about them, such as in the post above.

Like anyone would go to the trouble of illegaly importing such expensive product "to gain attention".

@xLosthopex, just ignore the above comments. You can decide whatever you want and people shouldn't judge you based on a few internet posts.

 

[xLosthopex]

There's something called "shelf life", not sure if you ever heard of it...

It's unbelievable how toxic people on this forum can be sometimes. Or judging people without knowing anything about them, such as in the post above.

Like anyone would go to the trouble of illegaly importing such expensive product "to gain attention".

@xLosthopex, just ignore the above comments. You can decide whatever you want and people shouldn't judge you based on a few internet posts.

Thank you so much

 

[Symbiote]

I had a whole thing that I wanted to say, but lost my train of thought.

As we all know, SI is a bitch, you can have a gun in your hand and SI kicks in and you think twice, doesn't matter what method you have, SI will be present to save your life. Doesn't mean that you want will yourself to live, it just happens. OP, I'm sorry you're going through a lot in your life and that something inside you clicked and it didn't push you to the next stage, but that's okay. Just more things to think over. Kicking the OP down when she's already down doesn't help thing and makes you look like a buffoon. This is why this community gets shit on because some people like to taunt others after a failed attempt.

 

[LansJ70]

There's something called "shelf life", not sure if you ever heard of it...

It's unbelievable how toxic people on this forum can be sometimes. Or judging people without knowing anything about them, such as in the post above.

Like anyone would go to the trouble of illegaly importing such expensive product "to gain attention".

@xLosthopex, just ignore the above comments. You can decide whatever you want and people shouldn't judge you based on a few internet posts.

Shelf life - she's only just opened it and it's in the fridge - it doesn't go off in 5 minutes.

And I'm not judging anyone, I'm suggesting since N is super expensive it would be a lot of money to spend if they still don't take it, and perhaps there might be something more constructive they can do for themselves with that money than send it to some dude in Mexico.

And I never said anything about gaining attention, you said that, not me. I said if she/he/they/whatever get caught importing it there'll be a world of pain, and maybe that is the underlying psychological reason, that this outcome would be what they are unknowingly trying to achieve.

For the reasons I rather clearly elucidated.

 

[Octavina]

Thank you so much

I'm sorry I didn't mean to be rude asking

 

[LansJ70]

Thank you so much

So how old are your parents, relatively speaking? Younger or older than your peers??

 

[xLosthopex]

I'm sorry I didn't mean to be rude asking

That's alright I didn't think you were at all! I understand the feeling of desperation trust me, I'm already in the process of planning to order again from a different seller, and I'm terrified I won't be able to get it so easily again, I need to save up again also for a start…
Only thing calming me down at the moment is telling myself "well at least my anorexia can kill me at any moment" :(

So how old are your parents, relatively speaking? Younger or older than your peers??

What does this have to do with anything

 

[motel rooms]

If you still have it in the fridge, why the need to order more?
If I were a therapist (yuk) I'd think that actually you do not want to die, but rather you feel like you have no control over your life, and so ordering more and more with, as you pointed out, the risk of getting caught importing it and facing locking up in a psych ward or prison even, then that would take the necessity to control your own life out of your hands so someone else can do it for you.

I'm not trying to insult you, or say anything bad about you, just rather perhaps your issue is a feeling of lack of control in your own life, or the fear to take responsibility of your life, or even of being alone/lonely.
E'g' you still live with your parents, so they take the responsibility for a roof over your head, etc.

Why didn't you read this if you're so interested in helping OP?

I suffer with Anorexia Nervosa, OCD/intrusive thoughts, BPD, depression, autism so have always found life extremely difficult. I've made mistakes and caused hurt to people due to my mental illnesses and the guilt eats me alive every day and has become unbearable. There have been various other environmental/social factors that I've experienced in both the past and recent times that have contributed also.

 

[sully]

Tasted a little bit of my N last night and yeah I agree it's so bad. It tastes like someone liquidified the glue that orthodontists use and put it into a bottle and made it even worse. There's nothing quite like it. It's pure chemically bitterness. I got the metallic notes that people talk about it but not the fishy notes. The aftertaste is the worst part though. You kinda feel it everywhere (even down your throat). However, the chocolate personally took the taste away immediately. Everyone has different reactions to tastes and have posted them on this forum so ymmv. 200ml is going to be difficult but apparently plenty of people have done it.

do you think it's possible todo it one by one
first bottle then chocolate, second bottle then chocolate

 

[angelus]

do you think it's possible todo it one by one
first bottle then chocolate, second bottle then chocolate

I don't see why would that be a problem. Chocolate does not chemically interfere with N. I would do that.
I think SI is stronger when you run towards something (i.e. ctb) and that you can overcome SI by running from something. (i.e. your life/future). You have tho want it badly, to fear enough something else, to defeat SI. It's not working any time, but I think I cluld find myself i such moments, and use them to succeed.

 

[sully]

I don't see why would that be a problem. Chocolate does not chemically interfere with N. I would do that.
I think SI is stronger when you run towards something (i.e. ctb) and that you can overcome SI by running from something. (i.e. your life/future). You have tho want it badly, to fear enough something else, to defeat SI. It's not working any time, but I think I cluld find myself i such moments, and use them to succeed.

That's how I'll do it then…