Goodbye and thank you SS-(Method- N)

[angelus]

imo if somebody was struggling to consume a liquid it's gon be much harder to inject themselves

SN cannot be injected, for example, because it causes pain in the entire area. But Liquid N is designed for this. People think it's hard to i sert the needle, but it's not that gard. And you don't do it by a syringe, but with a perfusion. It's safe. If not, why would doctors inject N?

 

[littlelungs]

I just poured it back into a sealed bottle. I fucking HATE myself for this. Because this happens over and over with my stupid fucking SI, despite that I HAVE in fact made up my mind on ctb, so it's not a matter of making a decision for me it's just overcoming the SI
like I am literally going to die soon anyway due to my ED which will be a lot more painful and stressful than death by N… so why can't I fucking just get it over with ??!!
I'm so sorry guys

I think most of us here understand very well how much of a hurdle survival instinct is, even when your mind is completely made up. It really is a very powerful thing that a lot of people underestimate until they're right on the edge, finally about to get the relief that they crave so badly, only to be pulled right back. In my experience, it almost feels like a constant, sick game of tug-of-war. Overcoming survival instinct is no easy feat, and I'd even argue that it's more than half the battle.

I understand why you feel angry at yourself – I've been there many times myself – but there is absolutely no need to apologize to us. Stay as long as you need to – like another user already mentioned above, death isn't going anywhere, and we will always be here for you, no matter what you decide to do.

 

[angelus]

That N from A, B or D, is for veterinary use. And vets use it for animal anaesthesia or for euthanasia, by injection.

 

[Anonymous_A]

SN cannot be injected, for example, because it causes pain in the entire area. But Liquid N is designed for this. People think it's hard to i sert the needle, but it's not that gard. And you don't do it by a syringe, but with a perfusion. It's safe. If not, why would doctors inject N?

I'm not talking about SN?
If somebody literally can't drink 200ml how tf are they gonna inject them self? Having si & anxiety just from drinking it…they're not gonna inject it lol.

&idk what a perfusion is?..but somebody injecting you isn't the same as doing it yourself.

&Injecting isn't hard, I've injected before but nothing more than 3ml. But if it's 200ml, no chance. You'd mess up before your even 1/5th of it (due to nerves/si/passing out etc)

 

[pure soul]

Eaten and purged, a few hours ago
I know you're supposed to do that but I knew that wasn't going to be happening for me with my eating disorder

I wish u peace anything you decided

 

[angelus]

I'm not talking about SN?
If somebody literally can't drink 200ml how tf are they gonna inject them self? Having si & anxiety just from drinking it…they're not gonna inject it lol.

&idk what a perfusion is?..but somebody injecting you isn't the same as doing it yourself.

&Injecting isn't hard, I've injected before but nothing more than 3ml. But if it's 200ml, no chance. You'd mess up before your even 1/5th of it (due to nerves/si/passing out etc)

I was just making a point with SN vs N, that not all stuff is injectable. I'm sorry, I did not think about SI increasing in this case, but afer all I suppose I didn't say something stupid. At least in my case, I'd personally be much careless and less anxious if injected (photo). Because this way I can assure I'm giving myself just an anesthesia, not getting overdose while conscious. I'll go to sleep like after taking benzos, and after I passed out the stuff continues to enter my bloodstream without me being there. I just thought it could be a method to trick the SI.

 

[Jumping_realms]

Rest easy, I hope you found your peace.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I wish you bliss and peace on your journey

 

[xLosthopex]

Hey everyone I just woke up
I'm so sorry to everyone, I am so upset with myself and now just freaking out that I've ruined my only chance due to opening the bottles
I feel like this is going to be my biggest regret in life ever
As if I didn't have enough to already be regretful for


Will the N last as good in another glass bottle(I poured it into an old empty medicine bottle I had which used to contain Kay-Cee-L) even for a *few days*?? Like if I drink it tonight or tomorrow would it still be as effective does anyone know?!

 

[pure soul]

Hey everyone I just woke up
I'm so sorry to everyone, I am so upset with myself and now just freaking out that I've ruined my only chance due to opening the bottles
I feel like this is going to be my biggest regret in life ever
As if I didn't have enough to already be regretful for


Will the N last as good in another glass bottle(I poured it into an old empty medicine bottle I had which used to contain Kay-Cee-L) even for a *few days*?? Like if I drink it tonight or tomorrow would it still be as effective does anyone know?!

You don't want to regret and being angry on urself. Today is not your day. Complete it when u fell right

 

[Lifeless mindset]

I wish you the best of luck. See you on the other side.

 

[angelus]

Hey everyone I just woke up
I'm so sorry to everyone, I am so upset with myself and now just freaking out that I've ruined my only chance due to opening the bottles
I feel like this is going to be my biggest regret in life ever
As if I didn't have enough to already be regretful for


Will the N last as good in another glass bottle(I poured it into an old empty medicine bottle I had which used to contain Kay-Cee-L) even for a *few days*?? Like if I drink it tonight or tomorrow would it still be as effective does anyone know?!

Hi, welcome back! You don't have to be sorry to us! We're happy we still have you, we love you and support you no matter what.
From what I know, if it's kept in a tight closed bottle, it will last a lot of time, cause even if it was opened, now is no longer in contact with the air.

 

[Hattywacky]

Perhap the bottle would fit in a Kilner screw top jar. They are air tight. I've found they are best for containing strong smells. Others jars the smell has eventually leaked out which means it isn't completely airtight.

 

[StevieNixs]

I just poured it back into a sealed bottle. I fucking HATE myself for this. Because this happens over and over with my stupid fucking SI, despite that I HAVE in fact made up my mind on ctb, so it's not a matter of making a decision for me it's just overcoming the SI
like I am literally going to die soon anyway due to my ED which will be a lot more painful and stressful than death by N… so why can't I fucking just get it over with ??!!
I'm so sorry guys

Why an earth are you apologising. Never apologise - Ever, You owe nothing to anyone, You have to do or not do what is right for you, I also have an ED and am high functioning autistic with PTSD plus traumas from childhood and adulthood with a generous helping of perpetual family deaths to add to the mix. I have a means of CTB but am also concerned it will not work out as smoothly as I anticipated it would. I'm now looking to buy N as well but from how you have described it - ahhh!! It sounds like it tastes like gasoline/petrol. Not that I have ever tasted gasoline/petrol! XX

 

[xLosthopex]

Hi, welcome back! You don't have to be sorry to us! We're happy we still have you, we love you and support you no matter what.
From what I know, if it's kept in a tight closed bottle, it will last a lot of time, cause even if it was opened, now is no longer in contact with the air.

I also put it in the fridge I don't know if that will make any difference…
I can't believe I did this to myself and just ended up making myself even worse and MORE desperate to ctb
Trying to calm myself down by telling myself my work has reopened so at least it will help me get more money if I need to for more N…. Also that I have my 'death by eating disorder' as my backup plan
But fuck… I did not think I could possibly have made my life even WORSE

Why an earth are you apologising. Never apologise - Ever, You owe nothing to anyone, You have to do or not do what is right for you, I also have an ED and am high functioning autistic with PTSD plus traumas from childhood and adulthood with a generous helping of perpetual family deaths to add to the mix. I have a means of CTB but am also concerned it will not work out as smoothly as I anticipated it would. I'm now looking to buy N as well but from how you have described it - ahhh!! It sounds like it tastes like gasoline/petrol. Not that I have ever tasted gasoline/petrol! XX

Thank you so much
Yeah actually the smell wasn't bad at all it kinda just smelled like alcohol but the taste is just PURE bitterness, like if you took the most bitter thing you've ever eaten/tasted but removed any actual flavour
I didn't want to add anything to it to help with flavour as it would just be adding more volume… but I think I might have to add syrup or something if I'm to try again

I read that you pass out before injecting enough.
Something like that.

Yeah and unfortunately I don't keep syringes and IV drips lying handy around my house


Perhaps letting my anorexia kill me(it actually won't be difficult, I've almost died multiple times from it in the last few months already) is the best option for me if I get so much into my head the moment before ctb, I can stop my mind racing thinking about all the possible things that could go wrong, because as I mentioned above, my BIGGEST fear is ending up with it not actually working and leaving me in a vegetative state or with brain damage or something…
It's ironic too though because I actually have made several attempts in the past before I found this site but those attempts were pretty much all impulsive so SI wasn't an issue, which is so annoying considering this is the time I'm actually making the decision rationally

 

[Fakereality]

Perhaps letting my anorexia kill me(it actually won't be difficult, I've almost died multiple times from it in the last few months already) is the best option for me if I get so much into my head the moment before ctb, I can stop my mind racing thinking about all the possible things that could go wrong, because as I mentioned above, my BIGGEST fear is ending up with it not actually working and leaving me in a vegetative state or with brain damage or something…
It's ironic too though because I actually have made several attempts in the past before I found this site but those attempts were pretty much all impulsive so SI wasn't an issue, which is so annoying considering this is the time I'm actually making the decision rationally

We all suffer from si here the thing is a bitch human brain is like a parasites which listens to no reasons and the only thing it cares about is survival that's why I hate my damn brain so much it sits backs in the passenger seat while forced me to do all the work bear all the pain and suffering not for long though anyway it's not your fault just do whatever you feel is right whenever you think it's right.

 

[SheJumped]

There is nothing to apologize about nor to explain. We all have SI no shame in that. When you feel the time is right, you can try again. There is no rush to catch the bus.

 

[upthedownescalatorr]

When you're ready you'll know, don't sweat it. I still have no clue whether I'll be taking it next week or several months down the line. I just feel relieved for now that I should have a painless way out. I no longer feel like Ted at the end of I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream for the first time in ages!
There's a huge gap between imagining/planning out how you'll ctb and actually going through with it so don't give yourself a hard time over it.

 

[IWantToGoFast]

You have nothing to be sorry about! Personally I think you're awesome after reading your short bio. Don't rush what's not yet to happen. Wish you well and peace.

 

[GreenMile]

Thankyou for sharing your struggles, thoughts and feelings. It takes courage to share your pain. I'm glad your here and grateful that you are so articulate especially at such a difficult time.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Don't be sorry. You haven't done anything wrong in the slightest. On the contrary, it is very brave of you to keep sharing your story here and pushing on in spite of an ED with a terminal outcome.

Contemplating life and death is a very personal decision. It wasn't your time, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with making your own decision to hold on a bit longer.

We all struggle with fear, uncertainty, and survival instinct. I can relate to a lot of the worries you've shared here, as I had an eerily similar experience a few days ago where I told myself I was ready to go, then SI kicked in at the last moment and stopped me.

You've always seemed like a cool and fascinating person, with a lot of interests, hopes, and tragic life experiences in common. I wish you weren't trapped in such a horrible situation leading to a path of ultimatums. I wish life could be kinder to you.

 

[xLosthopex]

Don't be sorry. You haven't done anything wrong in the slightest. On the contrary, it is very brave of you to keep sharing your story here and pushing on in spite of an ED with a terminal outcome.

Contemplating life and death is a very personal decision. It wasn't your time, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with making your own decision to hold on a bit longer.

We all struggle with fear, uncertainty, and survival instinct. I can relate to a lot of the worries you've shared here, as I had an eerily similar experience a few days ago where I told myself I was ready to go, then SI kicked in at the last moment and stopped me.

You've always seemed like a cool and fascinating person, with a lot of interests, hopes, and tragic life experiences in common. I wish you weren't trapped in such a horrible situation leading to a path of ultimatums. I wish life could be kinder to you.

Omg I definitely do not deserve such kind words but thank you so much, you're incredibly sweet

 

[noxin]

Please don't feel like you have to apologise to us, or feel like you have failed. What has happened has happened. If and when you feel like it's your time and you're ready, you can always ctb then. I have nothing but love and respect for you, and wish you peace.

 

[xLosthopex]

Ok so I think going forward, unless something happens in the next couple of days that compels me to drink my current(now contaminated ) N, I think I'm going to push forward with my anorexia, by that I mean make myself worse in the hope of it killing me, I had been managing to maintain my current weight fluctuating between a BMI of 12-13 and trying somewhat to control my purging because I wanted to die with N not my anorexia, but the benefits of this is that SI won't play into effect as my death from this will most likely be due to sudden cardiac arrest which I've come close to on many occasions already

I also plan however to start saving money again to purchase N from B/D, the one 'stronger' bottle(prob shouldn't give the actual names here) as opposed to the variety I had which required drinking 2 bottles. I think 100ml will be a lot easier for me to get down than the 2x100ml

 

[Peel_the_Banana]

Ok so I think going forward, unless something happens in the next couple of days that compels me to drink my current(now contaminated ) N, I think I'm going to push forward with my anorexia, by that I mean make myself worse in the hope of it killing me, I had been managing to maintain my current weight fluctuating between a BMI of 12-13 and trying somewhat to control my purging because I wanted to die with N not my anorexia, but the benefits of this is that SI won't play into effect as my death from this will most likely be due to sudden cardiac arrest which I've come close to on many occasions already

I also plan however to start saving money again to purchase N from B/D, the one 'stronger' bottle(prob shouldn't give the actual names here) as opposed to the variety I had which required drinking 2 bottles. I think 100ml will be a lot easier for me to get down than the 2x100ml

There is a SS thread of someone who took Dolethal rectally and reportedly passed successfully.

There are a few articles on the web stating Marilyn Monroe often took N rectally for sleep.

Dying by ED sounds painful. I'd imagine a rectal administration would be less painful and bypass the taste issue.

Rectal Nembutal Adminitration​

You could practice with regular water/ apple cider vinegar mixtures until you feel comfortable that you wont dispel the liquid.​

 

[upthedownescalatorr]

Ok so I think going forward, unless something happens in the next couple of days that compels me to drink my current(now contaminated ) N, I think I'm going to push forward with my anorexia, by that I mean make myself worse in the hope of it killing me, I had been managing to maintain my current weight fluctuating between a BMI of 12-13 and trying somewhat to control my purging because I wanted to die with N not my anorexia, but the benefits of this is that SI won't play into effect as my death from this will most likely be due to sudden cardiac arrest which I've come close to on many occasions already

I also plan however to start saving money again to purchase N from B/D, the one 'stronger' bottle(prob shouldn't give the actual names here) as opposed to the variety I had which required drinking 2 bottles. I think 100ml will be a lot easier for me to get down than the 2x100ml

Afaik they don't sell the stronger version currently. I heard something about that brand being discontinued.

 

[sully]

Afaik they don't sell the stronger version currently. I heard something about that brand being discontinued.

I also don't know anything about "stronger" bottles… i think both av and b sell the same stuff now?

 

[xLosthopex]

Oh… ppeh says they have both and was talking to someone on here who got the other type recently from B

 

[upthedownescalatorr]

Oh… ppeh says they have both and was talking to someone on here who got the other type recently from B

Might be worth asking but I think they only sell the generic version of N at the moment. Some of the info in the pph is out of date. I think the 200mg/ml version is coloured red and probably tastes even worse.

 

[peacefulhorizons]

Tasted a little bit of my N last night and yeah I agree it's so bad. It tastes like someone liquidified the glue that orthodontists use and put it into a bottle and made it even worse. There's nothing quite like it. It's pure chemically bitterness. I got the metallic notes that people talk about it but not the fishy notes. The aftertaste is the worst part though. You kinda feel it everywhere (even down your throat). However, the chocolate personally took the taste away immediately. Everyone has different reactions to tastes and have posted them on this forum so ymmv. 200ml is going to be difficult but apparently plenty of people have done it.