SleepySept
Member
- Nov 7, 2023
- 61
I'm getting my sodium nitrite in four days. I've always been someone who's had a little hope towards things even if it makes me feel worse or betrayed. But it is beyond exhausting, when I'm not exhausted it means I've just bottled up my feelings for long enough that it feels manageable.
The past two years have been interesting, I've tried my best to grow as a person despite being very difficult years because I felt way tired of being trapped. I have learned growing and becoming healthier minded is one of the most difficult experiences as you really have to face all your horrors at once. And I've for the first time learned what it meant to want to have a good future. But I also learned how awful it feels to be betrayed by that optimism and it gave me a new respect for those that overcome these things.
I've built this mindset that I'm not deserved to have a normal life, that I can't trust any happiness, and just so many bad events happen especially when I start feeling too happy that it stopped feeling like coincidence. It's very exhausting to put myself out there and then to feel worse than how I started. I don't know what else to do so eventually I pick myself up but it's this cycle of hoping for the chance that things will be different. And maybe they will be so that's why I want to have a reason to put off killing myself. But it's never the good things I'm proven right in.
I was given a second chance of living after my failed attempt. I thought maybe things could be a little kinder to me but it's been the opposite. So then I grew the mindset that it's something I needed to work against (I couldn't mind any methods to end it either). I gained hope. And then was beaten down and driven insane by it all.
Now that I managed to research an accessible way to kill myself I don't want to miss my chance to use it. But I feel frustration that everything I worked for barely seemed to have any meaning for myself to be against it.
The past two years have been interesting, I've tried my best to grow as a person despite being very difficult years because I felt way tired of being trapped. I have learned growing and becoming healthier minded is one of the most difficult experiences as you really have to face all your horrors at once. And I've for the first time learned what it meant to want to have a good future. But I also learned how awful it feels to be betrayed by that optimism and it gave me a new respect for those that overcome these things.
I've built this mindset that I'm not deserved to have a normal life, that I can't trust any happiness, and just so many bad events happen especially when I start feeling too happy that it stopped feeling like coincidence. It's very exhausting to put myself out there and then to feel worse than how I started. I don't know what else to do so eventually I pick myself up but it's this cycle of hoping for the chance that things will be different. And maybe they will be so that's why I want to have a reason to put off killing myself. But it's never the good things I'm proven right in.
I was given a second chance of living after my failed attempt. I thought maybe things could be a little kinder to me but it's been the opposite. So then I grew the mindset that it's something I needed to work against (I couldn't mind any methods to end it either). I gained hope. And then was beaten down and driven insane by it all.
Now that I managed to research an accessible way to kill myself I don't want to miss my chance to use it. But I feel frustration that everything I worked for barely seemed to have any meaning for myself to be against it.
