NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[maniac116]

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After two minutes she said all charges were being dropped due to a lack of evidence.

 

[maniac116]

"Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst."

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Is anyone else going to see Kurt Cobain's next performance? :)

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[maniac116]

My girlfriend asked me "why are men so damned stupid?"
I told her "so well go out with women"

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[Skallagrim]

 

[maniac116]

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, him in the upper bunk and her in the lower.
At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

[maniac116]

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

 

[maniac116]

A guy goes to the supermarket one day. He's doing his shopping when he notices an attractive young woman waving at him.

She comes over and says hi to him.

He's taken aback because he can't think where he knows her from. So he asks her, "Do you know me?"

She replies, "Yes, I think you're the father of one of my kids."

The guy's mind is whirring now and it travels back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful to his wife. He asks the woman, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly replies, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

[ventingfrustrations]

At least if America becomes the fourth reich I'll be gas chambered for having autism

 

[Electra]

View attachment 160266

Need this shirt

 

[Electra]

 

[maniac116]

A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…
The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, "We're going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we're in a good mood today will let you choose how you want to die."

The Londoner says, "Well I guess hanging is the easiest way to go." So the cannibals whip up a gallows, and stick his head in the noose. He calls out "God save the queen!", they pull the handle and he falls down through the trap door. Thunk! He's dead.

Next the Parisian says, "Guillotine for me, of course!" The cannibals get to work, assemble a crude but functional guillotine, stick his head in there, he calls out, "Vivre la France! " and chop! Off with his head.

They turn to the New Yorker and ask, "Well, what's it going to be?"

"Bring me a fork," he says.

So they bring him a fork. He takes it and starts stabbing himself all over with it. He's lying there on the ground with blood pouring out of him, and the cannibals say, "What the hell? What a horrible way to die! Are you crazy?"

With his last breath the New Yorker replies, "So much for your god damn canoe!"

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

View attachment 160889

 

[Electra]

 

[maniac116]

"I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed "does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet" and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person."

 

[maniac116]

 

[niceday]

 

[maniac116]

Patient: "Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
Doctor: "To the morgue."
Patient: "What? But I'm not dead yet!"
Doctor: "And we're not there yet."

 

[maniac116]

You're not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example

 

[Electra]

 

[maniac116]

Two married couples went on a weekend vacation together. As the weekend passed, and they were having a good time, one of them said, "You know what I always wanted to try was that partner-swapping thing." As they all glanced at each other, they then decided to just go for it. A couple hours later after some mad, passionate love-making, one of the guys exclaimed, "I can't believe I waited this long to do this. That was amazing...I wonder how the girls are doing."

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Two married couples went on a weekend vacation together. As the weekend passed, and they were having a good time, one of them said, "You know what I always wanted to try was that partner-swapping thing." As they all glanced at each other, they then decided to just go for it. A couple hours later after some mad, passionate love-making, one of the guys exclaimed, "I can't believe I waited this long to do this. That was amazing...I wonder how the girls are doing."

 

[maniac116]

 

[maniac116]

A man went to see a lady of the night. The next day, he found out that he had crabs. So he went to her and complained. To which she said, "For $5, what did you expect, lobsters?"