NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[UnrulyNightmare]

A man walks up to a criminal underneath a guillotine.
The man says, "Hey, whatcha gonna be doing later? *Hanging* around?" He then bursts out laughing.

The criminal responds, "This is a guillotine, not a gallows, idiot."

The man stops and looks at it, and then says, "Huh. I guess we're both losing our heads today."

 

[locked*n*loaded]

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic

_______________________________

A guy was walking to a bar. On his way, he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her, and they ended up fooling around.

The guy gets to the bar, and his friends ask why he's so late. He tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they tried out.

The friends give him props and ask if he got any head from the girl. The guy replies:

I couldn't find it.

 

[maniac116]

Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the other side

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[maniac116]

A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!"

The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have sex with me? I haven't had sex in 25 years."

The woman replied "No, you're disgusting."

The homeless man turned and began to walk away when the woman said "WAIT! THAT'S IT? YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK ME OUT OF THIS?"

The homeless man turned, smiled and said, "I'm going to the bottom, if I hurry, you'll still be warm."

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Why does gallows humor not always have a punchline?
Sometimes, they prefer to keep you hanging.


What do you call someone who brings a poorly tied rope to the gallows?
A bearer of bad noose.

 

[Electra]

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[maniac116]

I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.
Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

The king says "I'm in a horrible mood. If you don't make me laugh this instant I'll have you sent to the gallows."

The jester, without missing a beat, did a little dance, dropped his pants, and pulled out his dick.

He was hung.

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

Everybody on SS:

 

[maniac116]

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

 

[maniac116]

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems...
...if I could just get the right people to try it.

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

This one's not funny, but it's a joke, and it's dark

 

[Electra]

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[Languish]

Relatable

 

[maniac116]

What did the suicidal man say before jumping off the roof of the building?
Well, time to hit the road!

 

[maniac116]

Wife: 'I can't believe you went to a prostitute to have sex!'
Husband: 'What did you expect? We haven't done anything for months...
' Wife: 'You could have told me you were willing to pay.'"

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

"Therapist: 'And what do we say when we feel like this?'
Me: 'Not today, Satan.'
Therapist: 'No… we say, see you next week.'"



"Suicide jokes aren't funny."
Unless they fail—then it's just attempted humor.

 

[maniac116]

"The doctor told his patient that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act."
"The man decided, 'What the hell, I'll try it.'

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, 'What?'

He heard, 'This is the police. What's going on down there?' The man replied, 'I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted.'

'Well,' the cop answered, 'you might as well check your brakes, too, while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.'"

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[maniac116]

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[Custos]

How do you make a gay fuck a woman?

Spoiler: Answer

Shit in her cunt

 

[maniac116]

"My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially because his name's Steve."
The doctor told me I have to stop masturbating.
I ask him "why".
He said " because I'm trying to examine you"