Venting Frustrated with previous attempts

[itwonttakelong]

Hi all, I'm fairly new here. Sorry for any mistakes, I'm still finding my way around.

The more I look around this forum for safe and sure methods the more I become frustrated with my past self for attempting so carelessly. While they are some of my happiest memories, my first overdose left me with chronic acid reflux that doesn't let me keep down a pill for longer than an hour. I've been to the doctor and gotten medicine for it, adapted my diet, done everything, but it seems to be purely psychological. I just can't keep pills or medicine down. Even cough syrup triggers the response. Even if I wasn't annoyed by it somewhat frustrating my dreams of N or SN, I can't take antidepressants or mood stabilizers either. Can't get better, can't get worse.

My second attempt at hanging myself left me with a strong stress response to any sort of pressure around my neck. I panic quickly, I've even had to cut my hair to be above the ears before because I get so quickly overwhelmed by sensations on my neck. It's, again, purely psychological.

It's frustrating me. Many of the safest methods include oral intake or pressure around the neck. I've been suicidal since I was a kid, I can't remember a time since then that I haven't used the idea of ctb as a way to calm myself down and as a fantasy to aspire to, but I don't know how I can do it safely if I've fucked myself over into having psychical stress responses over anything. I'll have to keep thinking.

 

[medinjured521]

Hi all, I'm fairly new here. Sorry for any mistakes, I'm still finding my way around.

The more I look around this forum for safe and sure methods the more I become frustrated with my past self for attempting so carelessly. While they are some of my happiest memories, my first overdose left me with chronic acid reflux that doesn't let me keep down a pill for longer than an hour. I've been to the doctor and gotten medicine for it, adapted my diet, done everything, but it seems to be purely psychological. I just can't keep pills or medicine down. Even cough syrup triggers the response. Even if I wasn't annoyed by it somewhat frustrating my dreams of N or SN, I can't take antidepressants or mood stabilizers either. Can't get better, can't get worse.

My second attempt at hanging myself left me with a strong stress response to any sort of pressure around my neck. I panic quickly, I've even had to cut my hair to be above the ears before because I get so quickly overwhelmed by sensations on my neck. It's, again, purely psychological.

It's frustrating me. Many of the safest methods include oral intake or pressure around the neck. I've been suicidal since I was a kid, I can't remember a time since then that I haven't used the idea of ctb as a way to calm myself down and as a fantasy to aspire to, but I don't know how I can do it safely if I've fucked myself over into having psychical stress responses over anything. I'll have to keep thinking.

How'd you fail your hanging attempt?

 

[itwonttakelong]

How'd you fail your hanging attempt?

Fairly stupidly, I tried to do it from a tree but the branch was old and snapped. Easily avoided by just having a good anchor point but it scared me in the moment.

 

[medinjured521]

Yeah that's really unfortunate if you wanted to go at that point! Sorry that happened to you.

 

[itwonttakelong]

Yeah that's really unfortunate if you wanted to go at that point! Sorry that happened to you.

I did want to! Very much. But it is what it is, at least it scared me into being careful. I'll never go into something without a plan again. Thank you <3

 

[medinjured521]

I did want to! Very much. But it is what it is, at least it scared me into being careful. I'll never go into something without a plan again. Thank you <3

Did you pass out quickly or how was it?

 

[TorturedMike888]

You're clearly having panic attacks that are actually affecting you physically. I've had a similar issue. I don't want to be here, but when it's time to attempt to leave, I panic. So I'm wondering if you've ever considered trying inert gas like nitrogen with an exit bag. Because getting everything together will cost around $400 United States Dollars, but it would take the panic out of things at least.

 

[itwonttakelong]

You're clearly having panic attacks that are actually affecting you physically. I've had a similar issue. I don't want to be here, but when it's time to attempt to leave, I panic. So I'm wondering if you've ever considered trying inert gas like nitrogen with an exit bag. Because getting everything together will cost around $400 United States Dollars, but it would take the panic out of things at least.

Sorry it's been a second, but thank you for calling these panic attacks, I don't know how I hadn't thought of it like that. I'd been thinking of it as somewhat uncontrollable instinctual responses. Changing the way I think of them has helped me feel a lot more in control of them this past couple of weeks. It may not be a lot, but I managed to keep down a 5mg melatonin yesterday (though with a significant nausea spell afterwards)... so maybe there's hoping.

I've looked into the method for exit bags, but not into actually getting one. I'm currently unemployed, and the money I get from my freelance work doesn't tend to go over 100 usd a month, so I can't imagine saving up for it. In an ideal world I'd like to go by SN or PSH, but maybe I'll get a job or change my mind someday, you never know. Thank you again

Did you pass out quickly or how was it?

Oh no, I don't remember passing out at all. I couldn't have been putting my weight on the rope longer than 10 seconds. It was 6 or so years ago, so I can't remember details very well, but I remember sort of sliding down, my hearing muffling (I remember after falling how quickly all the sounds of the birds and the wind came back) and a feeling like I was tensing my jaw and clenching my teeth as hard as I could, even though my mouth was open, and then I remember falling on my ass and how silly it felt to have to limp back home. The actual experience wasn't honestly too distressing, I was fairly calm-ish.

 

[cookji]

I have severe gastrointestinal problems, including gastroparesis, acid reflux, heartburn, and nausea. If I tried SN in this condition, could it possibly fail?

 

[itwonttakelong]

I have severe gastrointestinal problems, including gastroparesis, acid reflux, heartburn, and nausea. If I tried SN in this condition, could it possibly fail?

I'm not sure, but I worry about it for myself. I know the ideal SN method requires a lot of pills being taken in advance, benzos and antiacids and whatnot. Are you normally able to take pills or medicine without issue?

For me, I've been perscibed antiacids and antienemics, but they haven't worked in the past, so I don't know how much it would help in the context of SN. Have you ever taken those kinds of medicines, and how was it for you? That's really all I worry about.