Venting first post/vent

[milkinsideabag]

for so long i have been thinking to myself, "i do not know how much longer i can do this," but i have continued living to spite my conscious knowledge that i do not want to, at all. i have basically given up on life already, i hardly leave my apartment, and when i do it is only because i am forced to. i am not afraid of death, i am afraid of dying. i do not want to mess up, i do not want it to hurt, if i am going to do it i am going to go all in and ensure i die. if i attempt suicide, i want to be sure there is a 100% chance i die. for years i have been thinking about dying via self inflicted gunshot wound, i read all the stuff on this site about how to do it, however, i doubt i would be able to pull the trigger, i am too scared of it not working, i am coming to realize that method is only a fantasy. i want to die by a painless pill, i thought about cyanide, but i have read that it is a painful way to go. what i want is a singular pill, that i can swallow and be dead soon, very soon, after, i also want it to be painless. sadly, i am beginning to believe that is too much to ask for. i do not know what to do, i am open to suggestions.

i have borderline personality disorder, i am incapable of being loved. every single day of my life is miserable. i am so fucking tired. i am always either so depressed i do not want to move, so anxious that i feel powerless to do anything, or so paranoid that i drive those i love away from me. i am in so much pain, there is no foreseeable solution but suicide. i just do not know how to do it, if i had a pretty red button right in front of me that would kill me instantly, painlessly, i would press it without hesitation. i want this life to be over with already. i want an end to my suffering.

 

[The Burning Fool]

It's so cruel that you are going through this. Thanks for sharing your feelings and being open about them. I relate to all of what you've written here. Sending love.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel so tired of suffering, I hate how it's so difficult to cease existing, having the option of an instant way to just be free like that truly would prevent so much suffering, it would be so relieving. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you are searching for.

 

[ogerpon]

I also have bpd and feel very similarly. It's agony to exist and not easy enough to stop existing. Life is cruel and I hope you find relief.