Discussion Finally writing my suicide note

[LifeIsASadist]

I am making it a paragraph since I have a lot to rant against society and my gaslighting family. I am an ugly autist who was bullied, rejected and lonely my entire life, not having a gf is destroying my mental health and I wished I had one so I knew I can be loved and no, don't tell me "YoUr FamILy LovES yOu" when my family just gaslights me nonstop. I can't wait to finally buy SN

 

[LAPD]

I feel you man. I've always been a social outcast and never had any real friends. People always try to gaslight you by telling you "it will get better" or to "appreciate what you have". Easier said than done. I finally bought SN and hope to find my peace.

 

[LifeIsASadist]

I feel you man. I've always been a social outcast and never had any real friends. People always try to gaslight you by telling you "it will get better" or to "appreciate what you have".

"It will get better"

Tell that to a 35 year old unloved virgin. (Will be me if I dont CTB)

Easier said than done. I finally bought SN and hope to find my peace.

I wished I could buy mine NOW but I live with my parents so it would be too dangerous

 

[LAPD]

I wished I could buy mine NOW but I live with my parents so it would be too dangerous

Do you often order packages? If so, you could probably just explain it away. The packaging is quite discreet.

 

[LifeIsASadist]

Do you often order packages?

Yes

If so, you could probably just explain it away. The packaging is quite discreet.

sometimes my step dad will ask to see my packages (not often but still)

And did you get your SN off SDC? (Not saying the name for obvious reasons)

 

[LAPD]

sometimes my step dad will ask to see my packages (not often but still)

I understand but if truly feel there is no hope left then I think it is worth the risk. Otherwise, you will be just be stuck in an unhappy situation for decades.

I live with my parents too and just ordered SN from DMC (not sure if we are referring to the same site?). I plan on just lingering by the door all day until the package is delivered.

 

[LifeIsASadist]

I understand but if truly feel there is no hope left then I think it is worth the risk. Otherwise, you will be just be stuck in an unhappy situation for decades.

If I get caught, not only will all hell break loose but it will be much harder to CTB along with my life being ruined therefore making my shitty life even shittier.

I live with my parents too and just ordered SN from DMC (not sure if we are referring to the same site?). I plan on just lingering by the door all day until the package is delivered.

No, mine is from a seperate site

 

[drop]

"It will get better"

Tell that to a 35 year old unloved virgin. (Will be me if I dont CTB)


I wished I could buy mine NOW but I live with my parents so it would be too dangerous

21?

 

[LifeIsASadist]

21?

Yes

Quite scary I am only a single digit number away from 30

 

[gothbird]

You're not alone in feeling this way, even if it feels like it. A lot of us on here got here because of the same cocktail: rejection, isolation, and being fed some warped version of love that feels more like control or guilt than anything supportive. When people say "your family loves you," what they mean is, "they think they do." That doesn't mean it's the kind of love you need—or even recognise as love. You're allowed to call that out.

And no, not having a relationship doesn't make you broken. It makes you lonely. Those aren't the same thing. It's human to want closeness. It's human to want to feel chosen. But this world is engineered to make people who don't fit the default feel disposable. And after enough years of it, that pain doesn't just sting—it rewires you.

I'm not going to lie and tell you to hang in there if you're set on SN. I get it. I respect autonomy. But just know that whatever you've internalised about being "unlovable" or "ugly" isn't objective truth. It's grief talking. It's your brain trying to make sense of why it hurts so much all the time.

And no matter what anyone says—you're not crazy for wanting to be loved.

To add on, this is a great resource for helping with meaningful notes, if you need it.