I have been depressed and lonely for a very long time. I have my family and am involved in various activities (that I now will have to give up) - but it is like I am always empty inside. I have learned how to mimic socialising, so to pretend that I am interested in other people and have learned how to fake empathy. But I don't care. I couldn't care less about other people. If they die or are sick or become rich or whatever, it's like I literally don't care. I am not on the spectrum, in case you are curious. The only people I do care about are my children and to some degree my wife - and I am about to lose them, possibly forever.
I feel completely unloved and unwanted. Whenever I am in a social situation I am the guy standing at the back clinging on to a drink. I always sit at the end of the table, outside of conversation. I feel like nobody cares about me. My wife used to tell me that she loves me and that me and the kids are her priority, but from her actions in the last few years it is blindingly obvious that this is not the case, and other things are more important to her (especially religion; but it was also other things before that). I seriously question whether I ever loved her, or whether my feelings were simply desperation and a way to be not lonely.
People respect me for my work ethic and my competence. People will say hello and make chit chat, but nothing else. I cannot remember anybody ever asking me in earnest about my feelings or my state of mind. I had a buddy some years ago and we would meet every once in a while. Even he never asked. Men are not good about these kind of things I guess. I have no friends. I do not know how to make friends. I know a lot of people, but none of them are friends, meaning somebody you can talk to if you have problems.
I wouldn't do it anyway. I have severe trust issues and have always done everything by myself. "If you want to get it done right, do it yourself!" totally applies to me. Short of building a house there is little I cannot achieve if I put my mind to it. I do not trust other people, end of. Exception is my son, who has turned out remarkably well, and of whom I am very proud. To some degree also my beautiful daughter. (Professionally I trust certain people to do things the right way in their job - but that's not the kind of trust I am talking about).
Now I have done something terrible and shameful and the result of my foolish actions are that my children hate me now and my wife will divorce me. I may go to jail. I am highly likely to lose my job of 27 years and become an outcast and lose everything that I built over 53 years of my life. For the avoidance of doubt, nobody was injured in any way by my actions. My family will be significantly negatively impacted by my actions, and will have to deal with my failures in their future. Eventually I will have to start over again, move to a different city and possibly emigrate, and I am not even sure that will work. I have moved out of the family home. I cannot see myself starting over - if anything, my depression and feelings of loneliness will increase, and I don't see how this would help in building a new life. My loneliness and depression have led me to those actions in the first place, so what exactly would change?
I am extremely emotionally upset that I have hurt the only people that I ever cared about and that now I will lose, and that they will suffer for what I have done. For my children, their world has completely fallen apart. 18 years of trust and bond shattered in an instant. I worry about them and that they might harm themselves. I don't particularly care about what will happen with me, or to me, but I care very much about what will happen to my family and I cannot stand the thought that they suffer the consequences of my actions. I hate myself. You have no idea how much I hate myself. If there was a glass of SN in front of me I would drink it right now, and then another one just to be sure. And through tears I would look at 20 years of family pictures and happy times until I drifted away forever and the pain is over.
I always considered myself a rational person. I am an analyst by profession. I excel at solving problems. In moments of clarity I have carefully thought about various scenarios and how they would play out in the future. Call them narratives if you like. Narrative 1 is all of the above. Narrative 2 is all of the above, plus eventually in the future my depression and loneliness becomes too much and I decide the pain of living is too much. Narrative 3 is that I restore my family's honor right now, which in all likelihood will avoid most negative impacts to my family. I am seriously considering this course of action. I am in a lose-lose situation and the only question is how to minimize the impact to my family and turn this into a lose-neutral/win situation for them. I have the means and the motivation to terminate my life. I am gaining knowledge how to increase the chances of succeeding in this. This is not a "spur of the moment" kind-of of thing (although I would drink that glass).
I hate society. I hate this world. There are so many people out there doing so many morally wrong things, without sanction. Not just questionable things, but outright lies, manipulation, control, hate. Inciting and committing violence against minorities, women, LGBT people. Warmongers, genocidal governments, politicians. No consequences. Why do they not suffer the consequences of their actions, but I do? Don't get me wrong, I am guilty and I take responsibility. No blame attaches to anybody else. But why does my family suffer when others don't? I am not trying to relativize morally wrong (or even criminal) actions, but society chooses to look the other way for some things, and at the same time becomes outraged by other things. Why is that? I hate hypocrisy.
If you are reading this and you are young and you are desperate, or lonely, or hurt, or in pain - there can be a future. I am not trying to trivialize what you are going through., or be condescending. But consider this: Things can change. They may not, but often they do. Other avenues may open up for you. You have time yet to build a future. It might not be easy or fast, but it is possible. I know there is no quick fix, otherwise we would not be here. Please consider getting help. I do not know what that might look like for you as everybody's personal circumstances are different, and I have no training. But it could be as simple, for now at least, to keep coming back to forums, this and others, and to simply talk and vent and express what you are going through. The word "terminate" means exactly that, and there are no options left after that. While being alive, you always have that option in your back pocket. You may never use that option. But it is good to have options. Please don't take away your options.
I rarely sought help in all my life for anything. I always thought I can do everything by myself. Turns out, when it comes to my innermost feelings, that's not the case. I have thought a lot about how my life may have turned out different if I had sought help earlier in my life. Too late now I guess, damage done. How the hell did I end up in a situation where I hurt my family? I have thought about little else in the last few days. I am an old guy, and I have run out of options, and time, unfortunately. And I am tired, so tired, of life. I made a mistake, and it matters not how much I build and how much I contributed in the last 53 years. What matters is that one action, and me and my family will be judged on that. I have dishonored my family and their honor must be restored.
I wish you the best of luck for your future.
I feel completely unloved and unwanted. Whenever I am in a social situation I am the guy standing at the back clinging on to a drink. I always sit at the end of the table, outside of conversation. I feel like nobody cares about me. My wife used to tell me that she loves me and that me and the kids are her priority, but from her actions in the last few years it is blindingly obvious that this is not the case, and other things are more important to her (especially religion; but it was also other things before that). I seriously question whether I ever loved her, or whether my feelings were simply desperation and a way to be not lonely.
People respect me for my work ethic and my competence. People will say hello and make chit chat, but nothing else. I cannot remember anybody ever asking me in earnest about my feelings or my state of mind. I had a buddy some years ago and we would meet every once in a while. Even he never asked. Men are not good about these kind of things I guess. I have no friends. I do not know how to make friends. I know a lot of people, but none of them are friends, meaning somebody you can talk to if you have problems.
I wouldn't do it anyway. I have severe trust issues and have always done everything by myself. "If you want to get it done right, do it yourself!" totally applies to me. Short of building a house there is little I cannot achieve if I put my mind to it. I do not trust other people, end of. Exception is my son, who has turned out remarkably well, and of whom I am very proud. To some degree also my beautiful daughter. (Professionally I trust certain people to do things the right way in their job - but that's not the kind of trust I am talking about).
Now I have done something terrible and shameful and the result of my foolish actions are that my children hate me now and my wife will divorce me. I may go to jail. I am highly likely to lose my job of 27 years and become an outcast and lose everything that I built over 53 years of my life. For the avoidance of doubt, nobody was injured in any way by my actions. My family will be significantly negatively impacted by my actions, and will have to deal with my failures in their future. Eventually I will have to start over again, move to a different city and possibly emigrate, and I am not even sure that will work. I have moved out of the family home. I cannot see myself starting over - if anything, my depression and feelings of loneliness will increase, and I don't see how this would help in building a new life. My loneliness and depression have led me to those actions in the first place, so what exactly would change?
I am extremely emotionally upset that I have hurt the only people that I ever cared about and that now I will lose, and that they will suffer for what I have done. For my children, their world has completely fallen apart. 18 years of trust and bond shattered in an instant. I worry about them and that they might harm themselves. I don't particularly care about what will happen with me, or to me, but I care very much about what will happen to my family and I cannot stand the thought that they suffer the consequences of my actions. I hate myself. You have no idea how much I hate myself. If there was a glass of SN in front of me I would drink it right now, and then another one just to be sure. And through tears I would look at 20 years of family pictures and happy times until I drifted away forever and the pain is over.
I always considered myself a rational person. I am an analyst by profession. I excel at solving problems. In moments of clarity I have carefully thought about various scenarios and how they would play out in the future. Call them narratives if you like. Narrative 1 is all of the above. Narrative 2 is all of the above, plus eventually in the future my depression and loneliness becomes too much and I decide the pain of living is too much. Narrative 3 is that I restore my family's honor right now, which in all likelihood will avoid most negative impacts to my family. I am seriously considering this course of action. I am in a lose-lose situation and the only question is how to minimize the impact to my family and turn this into a lose-neutral/win situation for them. I have the means and the motivation to terminate my life. I am gaining knowledge how to increase the chances of succeeding in this. This is not a "spur of the moment" kind-of of thing (although I would drink that glass).
I hate society. I hate this world. There are so many people out there doing so many morally wrong things, without sanction. Not just questionable things, but outright lies, manipulation, control, hate. Inciting and committing violence against minorities, women, LGBT people. Warmongers, genocidal governments, politicians. No consequences. Why do they not suffer the consequences of their actions, but I do? Don't get me wrong, I am guilty and I take responsibility. No blame attaches to anybody else. But why does my family suffer when others don't? I am not trying to relativize morally wrong (or even criminal) actions, but society chooses to look the other way for some things, and at the same time becomes outraged by other things. Why is that? I hate hypocrisy.
If you are reading this and you are young and you are desperate, or lonely, or hurt, or in pain - there can be a future. I am not trying to trivialize what you are going through., or be condescending. But consider this: Things can change. They may not, but often they do. Other avenues may open up for you. You have time yet to build a future. It might not be easy or fast, but it is possible. I know there is no quick fix, otherwise we would not be here. Please consider getting help. I do not know what that might look like for you as everybody's personal circumstances are different, and I have no training. But it could be as simple, for now at least, to keep coming back to forums, this and others, and to simply talk and vent and express what you are going through. The word "terminate" means exactly that, and there are no options left after that. While being alive, you always have that option in your back pocket. You may never use that option. But it is good to have options. Please don't take away your options.
I rarely sought help in all my life for anything. I always thought I can do everything by myself. Turns out, when it comes to my innermost feelings, that's not the case. I have thought a lot about how my life may have turned out different if I had sought help earlier in my life. Too late now I guess, damage done. How the hell did I end up in a situation where I hurt my family? I have thought about little else in the last few days. I am an old guy, and I have run out of options, and time, unfortunately. And I am tired, so tired, of life. I made a mistake, and it matters not how much I build and how much I contributed in the last 53 years. What matters is that one action, and me and my family will be judged on that. I have dishonored my family and their honor must be restored.
I wish you the best of luck for your future.
