Figured I'd post this here in suicide discussion instead of off topic since it mentions suicide. I'm not looking to commit but I want to see if there's anyone else like me. TLDR: sick and tired of being put down by everyone and watching others with more privilege go farther in life, do you relate? Include your age and experiences too if possible (it'd be helpful especially to get advice from people older than me so I can see I'm not alone)
I'm Asian and non-binary (I'm 18, if you want to know how old I am) and I am just SO tired of everyone's privilege. Starting from a young age I was being severely emotionally abused by my dad, and when I went to the psychologist at my school regarding my issues (and being bullied at school) she told me to bring proof then she sent me to 2 other psychologists, which didn't help and the last of which just let me play video games instead of treating me. Even to this day because of them I doubt whether what happened to me really happened. I have CPTSD which has caused me to forget a majority of my life and I am so envious of those who are only depressed because of school, those who don't have a highly specific emotional abuse shaped past which I can't even remember because everyone told me my pain didn't exist.
I'm also so envious of those who were able to express their hobbies and do whatever when they were younger, I can't do a lot of things without getting triggered because my parents forced me into a morbillion activities which I all associate with trauma now.
Another thing that I'm working on that I've spoken about is how I'm so envious of everyone's privilege to love and be loved by others, how they all seem to have crushes on each other and not me, why me? I'm the most suicidal and depressed out of all of them (and don't give me that "everyone has problems" bullshit, people have used it in the past to treat me like nothing!)
The thing that contributes to me being the most suicidal as of recent is this trans girl who I think has taken away all of my friends. I have BPD too but I've been trying my best to keep it in check, in fact this is the year it's been the best and hasn't flared up barring a few occasions. Anyways she and my other friends all got accepted into the gender inclusive housing and I didn't. There's 5 of us in the group, 2 of which are cis, 1 of which is trans but doesn't have severe dysphoria, and this girl. I'm so jealous of her too and sick of her privilege since she has a cookie cutter "I'm transfem and I'm Christian and white" pipeline - which I KNOW is big, but I don't… I've known I'm non binary for many years, and people always treat me like shit because I'm not any binary gender… anyways enough of me rambling.
I am SO SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE AROUND ME BEING PRIVILEGED. I SELF HARMED on the day that she and the rest of my friend group got close together and she started discovering herself with makeup. I'm suicidal! Ok! And I SELF HARMED and because of being stupid stupid suicidal stupid I wasn't able to go to the outing with them. And because of my stupid stupid BPD I crashed out at all of them when they all got into the housing and I didn't, and because I'm apparently not FUN ENOUGH for my friends, they all get to be privileged and do makeup and laugh and exclude me (they said sorry but I need new friends) and go to a gender inclusive house and have white privilege and not have CPTSD breathing down their STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID NECK OH MY GOD, GOD do I hate them especially that girl because I'm so angry that she gets all of her friends to support her, and gets a gender inclusive housing, and gets to be white and doesn't have to wait so many years to be affirmed and doesn't have complete identity loss and I'm like this with all of my other friends too they ALL HAVE PRIVILEGE AND I. HAVE. NONE! All of my friends can go to a bathroom they fit into because they're in the gender binary and even my transgender friends won't be looked at weirdly when they tell their friends that they use the bathroom with the gender they feel comfortable with and when I tell the same thing to the same people that I use the men's restroom and I'm non binary they look at me like I'm a MONSTER!!! Because I'm not a boy or a girl I am to them a disease!!! A monster!!!! (Yes I know there's lots of trans people who can't use the restroom they'd like to who are in the gender binary, but this is in the perspective of "I'll tell someone 'accepting' I use the men/women's restroom, and their reaction for a binary trans person versus one who's not)
Anyways point is: I am so sick of being treated like shit because of who I am and factors I can't control like my gender my race the fact that I'm neurodivergent and suicidal etc. I hate how I'm continually repressed and treated like this and always seemingly given the short straw.
Please tell me I'm not alone in hating everyone for being so privileged. That I'm not alone in feeling so suicidal over this PLEASE I feel sooooo alone…
I'm Asian and non-binary (I'm 18, if you want to know how old I am) and I am just SO tired of everyone's privilege. Starting from a young age I was being severely emotionally abused by my dad, and when I went to the psychologist at my school regarding my issues (and being bullied at school) she told me to bring proof then she sent me to 2 other psychologists, which didn't help and the last of which just let me play video games instead of treating me. Even to this day because of them I doubt whether what happened to me really happened. I have CPTSD which has caused me to forget a majority of my life and I am so envious of those who are only depressed because of school, those who don't have a highly specific emotional abuse shaped past which I can't even remember because everyone told me my pain didn't exist.
I'm also so envious of those who were able to express their hobbies and do whatever when they were younger, I can't do a lot of things without getting triggered because my parents forced me into a morbillion activities which I all associate with trauma now.
Another thing that I'm working on that I've spoken about is how I'm so envious of everyone's privilege to love and be loved by others, how they all seem to have crushes on each other and not me, why me? I'm the most suicidal and depressed out of all of them (and don't give me that "everyone has problems" bullshit, people have used it in the past to treat me like nothing!)
The thing that contributes to me being the most suicidal as of recent is this trans girl who I think has taken away all of my friends. I have BPD too but I've been trying my best to keep it in check, in fact this is the year it's been the best and hasn't flared up barring a few occasions. Anyways she and my other friends all got accepted into the gender inclusive housing and I didn't. There's 5 of us in the group, 2 of which are cis, 1 of which is trans but doesn't have severe dysphoria, and this girl. I'm so jealous of her too and sick of her privilege since she has a cookie cutter "I'm transfem and I'm Christian and white" pipeline - which I KNOW is big, but I don't… I've known I'm non binary for many years, and people always treat me like shit because I'm not any binary gender… anyways enough of me rambling.
I am SO SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE AROUND ME BEING PRIVILEGED. I SELF HARMED on the day that she and the rest of my friend group got close together and she started discovering herself with makeup. I'm suicidal! Ok! And I SELF HARMED and because of being stupid stupid suicidal stupid I wasn't able to go to the outing with them. And because of my stupid stupid BPD I crashed out at all of them when they all got into the housing and I didn't, and because I'm apparently not FUN ENOUGH for my friends, they all get to be privileged and do makeup and laugh and exclude me (they said sorry but I need new friends) and go to a gender inclusive house and have white privilege and not have CPTSD breathing down their STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID NECK OH MY GOD, GOD do I hate them especially that girl because I'm so angry that she gets all of her friends to support her, and gets a gender inclusive housing, and gets to be white and doesn't have to wait so many years to be affirmed and doesn't have complete identity loss and I'm like this with all of my other friends too they ALL HAVE PRIVILEGE AND I. HAVE. NONE! All of my friends can go to a bathroom they fit into because they're in the gender binary and even my transgender friends won't be looked at weirdly when they tell their friends that they use the bathroom with the gender they feel comfortable with and when I tell the same thing to the same people that I use the men's restroom and I'm non binary they look at me like I'm a MONSTER!!! Because I'm not a boy or a girl I am to them a disease!!! A monster!!!! (Yes I know there's lots of trans people who can't use the restroom they'd like to who are in the gender binary, but this is in the perspective of "I'll tell someone 'accepting' I use the men/women's restroom, and their reaction for a binary trans person versus one who's not)
Anyways point is: I am so sick of being treated like shit because of who I am and factors I can't control like my gender my race the fact that I'm neurodivergent and suicidal etc. I hate how I'm continually repressed and treated like this and always seemingly given the short straw.
Please tell me I'm not alone in hating everyone for being so privileged. That I'm not alone in feeling so suicidal over this PLEASE I feel sooooo alone…
