I think a part of me doesn't want me to be happy. I hate myself too much. I self-loath me a lot. I always anticipate why other people could potentially dislike me. And I have to hate myself for that before they can point out this negative characteristic of me. The irony is I think there are way worse people than me. But I would not treat them as bad as me. I often worry of not being a good person. I think I clearly have negative traits. But it is difficult to be even harder to myself. When I do something wrong I punish and pressure me extremely. It quickly becomes existential and I feel like my whole life hinges on that. I think I feel emotions very intensively. And I easily go down spirals of anxiety. It gets overwhelming quite frequently. I have to change my thinking. I might have to change who I am. But do I really want that? I consider to break through some rigide patterns. But I also fear to lose this structure. It clearly could get worse. There were times in my life which were even way worse. Maybe I should not change my life fundamentally.
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