Venting Feeling hopeless :(

[wuhwowthisis]

(New here so good intro !!)
On paper I should have a lot, but christ living it everything is miserable.

Felt so goddamn useless and then I started smoking weed and it for once actually got me to stop thinking about. Tolerance been building over the past few months and lack of money and access to it is making it less and less of an option, have like half a gram and a 15mg edible and god knows when I can get more again.

Asked out my best friend of 5 years and felt on top of the world when they said yes, then I realized its not made much of a difference. I just feel like I'm a shit partner, having a big fucking panic attack while they are sick like holy fuck feel so useless, mentioning how I hate my weight even though I'm already pretty underweight and I know they are kinda insecure about theirs.

Have family monitoring me so I probably can't get a gun either and put it anywhere they cant find it. So I'll have to go with another method and I'm terrified of vomiting so SN is off the table on the slight chance I throw up and live :DDD

Anything that slightly brings me joy seems to hit back and make me feel that much more worse afterwards. I feel like I have so much yet I can't appreciate any of it

 

[FuneralCry]

It's very true that in this life if someone has something that they see as being positive it will usually just be taken away and cause them to suffer more and this is simply just the way that life is. To me it's unfair how we have to potentially struggle so much in finding ways to die, it also scares me the thought of ctb failing but of course I get that it can be so tiring feeling trapped in an miserable existence. But anyway, I wish you the best.

 

[Pon]

The fact that both happiness and pain are temporary is both the most reassuring, and the most discouraging thing about life.
It depends how you wish to look at it. I wish you find peace either way.