Extreme Fear

[TheDog_]

I suffer from extreme fear regarding losing my eyesight, hearing, and ability to eat. Last year I was so close to a feeding tube because I suddenly developed a gastrointestinal condition, and I have been slowly suffering ever since. I went through surgery which helped, but my body seemed to break down. Now I suffer from extreme fear of loosing something else. I have become a paranoid hypochondriac which isn't helped by my occasional odd symptoms that can leave me bed bound from just how shit I feel. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I would rather die than suffer like this. I don't care for positive disabled stories or whatever. I can't cope being trapped in my own head and broken body. I have tried so many anti-depressants and therapy which made me feel worse because I felt like a freak in society, and I can't be allowed to fear becoming more disabled because then I'm ableist. I hate it all. I hate being in this world and I hate the people. I have absolutely no voice and nowhere where I can be heard. I am sorry for venting here. My thoughts are driving me insane and I often am close to jumping off a bridge. I am someone who people hate even in the disabled community because my fears are ableist in nature according to those on the Reddit site. I never voiced them myself but I saw that people were very aggressive when someone expressed wanting to die because they took it as a personal attack to their own life. Kind of like: "If you want to kill yourself for being disabled then you're saying disabled lives aren't worth living and you're ableist scum." I just don't want to struggle anymore. I hope to be dead soon. I don't feel that I belong anywhere.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry what you have to go through is so awful and tiring. All your feelings and your desires are fully legit and it's your own personal decision whether you want to endure it further or you have other plans. Venting here is just fine, feel free!! It may already be a small relief! I hope you find peace!

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings of wishing to be free from everything certainly are understandable, I cannot stand those people who refuse to accept suicide as being a valid option, just because they wish to suffer doesn't mean that everyone else does. Existing here certainly can be so torturous and it terrifies me how there is unlimited potential to suffer here, I hope you eventually find the freedom you search for.

 

[Daxter_87]

I simply cannot understand the reasoning of these people. They say it is ableism not to want to get worse, or even to die, in order to be free of the pain caused by the disability.

Forgive the graphic analogy, but imagine a person's abdomen being pierced with a stake. Naturally, that person would want to escape such excruciating pain immediately, and if that were not possible, they would have no choice but to die. However, if they ever dare to express such a wish, other people who also have a stake in them will accuse them of ableism...

I feel very sorry for you and I hope that something will ease your pain, if only a little, until you can escape this life of imprisonment.