Venting existing in a perpetual state of shame

[venerated-vader]

Nothing I do feels right. I can't sit here and blame other people for the problems I've caused for myself… but that's all I find myself doing. I have to expect better of other people so I don't have to look too closely at my many failures… can't even stand to admit to myself that I'm not who I pretend to be. It's disgusting and pathetic and I hate it so much.

I can't make sense of anything, anymore. I walk around with a perpetual question mark hanging over my head, because even the things i think I know are eventually called into question. My emotions are unstable, but so is my entire sense of personality. None of it makes sense— I feel like I'm fractured into a thousand incongruent pieces, and none of them really fit together.

But even that feels like a cop out. Like I can't just accept responsibility, or the fact that nothing I say is correct because i won't let myself say the truth. I'm just so fucking tired of living like this. I want to blow my fucking head off already, yet I hesitate. I'm dedicated, until I'm not— and that is, at least, the most reasonable thing I can't stick to. But if I could just maintain the energy I have to go to the gym, or eat right (or fucking starve holy shit), or move out / stay, or keep the cats / don't, or talk about how I feel / keep it to myself…

Every time I feel like I have a handle on what I'm doing, or who I am, I am reminded yet again that nothing about me is real. it's all just an elaborate game dressed up in the most ridiculous leaps of logic. Surely I'll feel humiliated that I evene typed all this out, because soon enough it won't be true. Or if it remains true, it's pathetic that I'd even bother sharing this shit— shouldn't I just keep it to myself? I keep thinking i should keep my damn mouth shut so the world doesn't get wise to the fact that I'm straddling the line between being a fraud / liar and being such a fucking idiot I can't even determine if I love my partner or not.

Whatever.

 

[KlMeNw]

What I believe you're experiencing is a fractured ego, or sense of self. This is most likely the result of there being things about yourself that you fea may be true, not just that do not like, but you are actually afraid of, terrified even. As a result of this fear your mind shuts those parts of you away or at least suppresses them as a defense mechanism. This has likely been ongoing for some time and has caused significant psychic strain, to the point where you feel like you dont know who or what you are. It will be hard but you must reintegrate these suppressed parts of yourself by facing all your biggest fears about yourself. You must be brave enough to say to yourself, no matter what the truth about me is, I will accept it and live it because I have no other choice, these things are me. Sometimes you'll find the thing you feared wasn't true about you, sometimes you'll find it is true but is not that hard to live with, and sometimes you'll find the truth very hard to accept. In all three cases you must not resort to going backwards, hiding and suppressing. You must push forward even though your mind will want to fold back into the comfort of willful ignorance. Do not worry, it will get easier and easier as your mind is forced to accept reality. I wish you luck.

 

[venerated-vader]

Yeah you're spot on. I have NPD, so its a constant game of weaving around fact to uphold this false sense of self I have going on. Except, I'm trying to unravel that, and I can't help but find myself snap back into that role. I can't even tell if me being 'honest' is just another way to forge an identity that isn't real, too. Is even what I'm writing based in reality, or am I just being a hysterical mess over bullshit that won't matter in a few days? How can I tell the difference between a lie that I've convinced myself is true, and a truth I've convinced myself is a lie???

Even the things I determine are real about me, don't seem to be real later on. I simply assert that its true, thus it must be true-- but if I assert otherwise, that's true, too. It's as if my identity is in a state of perpetual superposition and the details / concrete nature of my sense of self only takes form whenever I test my presumptions.

 

[KlMeNw]

Kind of a Schrodingers personality situation huh? I see how this may be difficult. Let me put it to you this way, instead of focusing on what's always changing about yourself try focusing on what's always been constant. There must be some things that have always been true about you. Try using those as a starting point or landmark so to speak and build from there. My guess is you've been this way for a long time so your personality growth may have been stunted and it makes sense why you keep switching your preferences. Its just your minds way of trying to figure out what's real. The problem is deep down in your psychy there needs to be an anchor of self to hold onto so you dont get swept away with ideas and opinions that might not be your own. That is why it is also so important to dig deep and confront our fears about ourselves, because as scary as they are they are usually the most true parts of who we are.