Venting Excited to end it all but the apathy is impossible to live with until then

[lilurki]

I'm getting a job so I can start saving up for a gun to ctb. I've attempted twice in the past six months, and my only regret is that they failed. To be fair long time struggle with ideation but the actual attempting thing is new as I used to actually have things to live for so I had no idea what I was doing. But I am glad it allowed me to better get my affairs in order so my death would be less burdensome to those around me. I no longer have a whole apartment for people to have to go through, my cats have a new home where they are loved dearly, and my belongings are all in a storage unit. The love of my life has a happy new life without me, as do my friends and family. But until then it's so hard to find things to push through the apathy, it's hard to pretend to care, so much so that I totally bombed a job interview today, but it's ok because I'm going to try to start working at McDonalds where they seriously won't care about how apathetic I am. Food doesn't taste good, I don't care for people much, I'm haunted by my past and what could and should have been, I don't care. Doing anything just makes me want to throw up and it's just annoying until I can finally pull that fucking trigger. Although it will be a process to learn the ins and outs of the gun, and I still need to figure out where I'm gonna shoot myself.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

Apathy is the best word for it. It really is a struggle getting through each day with it. I've essentially quit my job, so good for you in trying to get one!

My CTB date is set for just over two weeks from now. With that in mind it's been hard for me to do anything more than stare at a screen all day to distract myself from, like you said, the 'what could and should have been's.

 

[WrathfulGloom32]

I wish you luck on the job, I heard guns are quite expensive in the US (I suppose you are from the US?) , especially hand held that can 100% do you in.
Have you decided on what you are going to use? I have no clue about how effective guns are at CTB ,it's probably more of finding the right spot than the caliber but I think there are many resources on this site. I wish I'd have access to guns in Romania. It's very hard to get access to and you can only do so if you are completely sound of mind and even then it takes years. I'd have gotten a .45 ACP hollow point or a .44 magnum and pulled the trigger 2 years ago had there been more options, at least I got the trusty SN.

As for the apathy, I can relate, everyday is a struggle and when I used to work it would just completely wreck whatever autopilot workflow I had and make me suffer 10 hours a day until I'd get home and go to sleep.

 

[lilurki]

Apathy is the best word for it. It really is a struggle getting through each day with it. I've essentially quite my job, so good for you in trying to get one!

My CTB date is set for just over two weeks from now. With that in mind it's been hard for me to do anything more than stare at a screen all day to distract myself from, like you said, the 'what could and should have been's.

That's literally my life just constant screen time and dread. I hope things go smoothly for you when it's time but until then it's nice to have someone who understands.

 

[venerated-vader]

The apathy is impossible. My dad had cancer and watching him descend into that apathy that comes along with a terminal diagnosis was horrific. I want to make the tail end of my life a lot less depressing for the people around me if I can, but finding that energy these past few weeks has been absolutely grueling.

The worst part is, its so much easier for me. I don't have a job, I don't have any special responsibilities-- and thank goodness for that, fml. I spent years trying to balance it all and I just can't do it anymore. I mean, I can hardly summon the will to pay my bills, get my mail, take out the trash. All of my energy goes into waking up and maintaining the bare minimum so I can pat myself on the back and say 'at least I don't have 5 billion garbage bags in front of my door'. I'm lucky I have the money right now to sit around twiddling my thumbs like an asshole.

As for guns, though, I've been doing plenty of idle research and comparing options. That's the exciting part-- I legitimately cannot wait to buy one.

 

[lilurki]

I wish you luck on the job, I heard guns are quite expensive in the US (I suppose you are from the US?) , especially hand held that can 100% do you in.
Have you decided on what you are going to use? I have no clue about how effective guns are at CTB ,it's probably more of finding the right spot than the caliber but I think there are many resources on this site. I wish I'd have access to guns in Romania. It's very hard to get access to and you can only do so if you are completely sound of mind and even then it takes years. I'd have gotten a .45 ACP hollow point or a .44 magnum and pulled the trigger 2 years ago had there been more options, at least I got the trusty SN.

As for the apathy, I can relate, everyday is a struggle and when I used to work it would just completely wreck whatever autopilot workflow I had and make me suffer 10 hours a day until I'd get home and go to sleep.

I luckily live in a part of America where guns are very easy to access as well as right next to a military base so the prices really aren't that bad here. You unfortunately reminded me that I won't be able to buy my gun of choice as I have been put in an involuntary hold and won't be able to pass a background check so I am going to have to alter my plan I suppose. It might be time for me to look into the trusty SN everyone is talking about.