Evil Bitch

[timetodie24]

Breathe!

You'll see when you get there. Maybe things are fine, maybe they aren't. Either way you'll find out, and worrying about it right now makes no difference!

Thank you. I'm definitely spiralling with it but i can't stop worrying until the appt. It's too much to push aside.

I suspect you won't accept what I'm about to say, but I think you did what you did because there's still a part of you, buried deep inside, that's asking for help.

You're going through absolute shit at the moment, but you're still managing to try. You're still managing to speak with us, and with professionals you don't know.

You're so much stronger than the voices controlling you.

Thank you. I do accept there is a part of me trying to reach out and get help still , i wish she'd let go though tbh . I'm definitely not stronger than the voices though, the system has powers I didn't even know were possible.

 

[Ash]

Thank you
Yes I really relate to that, I'm autistic too and verbal but when I'm anxious my words just go.

If it helps @alltoomuch2 and @timetodie24, I'm not but when I'm anxious or disassociate my brain shuts down so writing stuff down beforehand is often the only way I can make sure I can communicate something. It's amazing how ill-prepared MH services are for people who go non-verbal for whatever reason. Even things like ringing up to ask for help or make appointments become impossible.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Just venting so ignore me.

But getting so nervous for the next appointment. Now the practitioner has the notes and read them, I can't take it back. I really regret being so honest. I didn't share about suspecting her but I did share a lot . Too much. Worried how she'll react. What if now she's communicating with the system, planning how best to control me and how to harm others. There's nothing I can do until i see what she has to say, maybe confront her if she seems sus . Meanwhile people could be dying because of me. So what am I supposed to do. Idek who the woman was really and I trusted her with high level info. Why was I so naive and selfish. I wish I could take it back . If she reacts badly i'm scared of how i'd react, what the system might make me do. I guess i'd just have to run out if i felt out of control so that it's not unsafe for her . Even if she's not in on it, it's bad, as that means she will get controlled and terrible things will happen to her, so if she's not faking it and is kind then i will never forgive myself for letting them mind control and risk her too

I agree with Tesha. I think you've done exactly the right thing. And remember she had to read your notes, so the system hadn't said anything to her. and if she turns up next week and is still kind, it's very unlikely she's being controlled etc. Maybe start the appointment off by telling her of your concern about you might get out of control and harm her so she can be aware. But if she's happy to continue, then she'll be doing so in full knowledge of all the facts. I'm still proud of you for going to that appointment and telling her what you needed to. You're bound to have anxieties afterwards but remember how kind she was, and I think she's a good one, and is going to do her best for you. And that's not always the case so make the most of her. It'll be ok. Promise. Good luck next week at your next appointment.

 

[timetodie24]

I agree with Tesha. I think you've done exactly the right thing. And remember she had to read your notes, so the system hadn't said anything to her. and if she turns up next week and is still kind, it's very unlikely she's being controlled etc. Maybe start the appointment off by telling her of your concern about you might get out of control and harm her so she can be aware. But if she's happy to continue, then she'll be doing so in full knowledge of all the facts. I'm still proud of you for going to that appointment and telling her what you needed to. You're bound to have anxieties afterwards but remember how kind she was, and I think she's a good one, and is going to do her best for you. And that's not always the case so make the most of her. It'll be ok. Promise. Good luck next week at your next appointment.

Thank you so much x

I'm worried that makes it sound like a threat if I tell her about losing control though. So feels like a bad idea to tell her. Especially if she's in on it. I'll have a relative in the waiting room too so I can't risk her getting to them if she turns.
If I really can't stop myself i will make sure I harm me instead of her.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Thank you so much x

I'm worried that makes it sound like a threat if I tell her about losing control though. So feels like a bad idea to tell her. Especially if she's in on it. I'll have a relative in the waiting room too so I can't risk her getting to them if she turns.
If I really can't stop myself i will make sure I harm me instead of her.

If you said it like "I'm really worried that...." it wouldn't be threatening but I trust you to not hurt her. You're very caring for others.

 

[timetodie24]

I think I might cancel the appt. with the mental health practitioner. If she's in on it, then there's only so much she can do with the notes if I never see her again. If she's genuine, then i'll save her by not seeing her again. Solves all the problems regardless of who she is. And there's still plenty time to cancel my private psychologist appt. without being charged so should do that too as can't risk involving someone else . I was such an idiot to try to get help.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I think I might cancel the appt. with the mental health practitioner. If she's in on it, then there's only so much she can do with the notes if I never see her again. If she's genuine, then i'll save her by not seeing her again. Solves all the problems regardless of who she is. And there's still plenty time to cancel my private psychologist appt. without being charged so should do that too as can't risk involving someone else . I was such an idiot to try to get help.

Please don't. You know to walk away if you feel like you're a threat. You deserve the help and weren't an idiot! You're stressed because of obvious reasons and for feeling vulnerable.
You've got this

 

[alltoomuch2]

I think I might cancel the appt. with the mental health practitioner. If she's in on it, then there's only so much she can do with the notes if I never see her again. If she's genuine, then i'll save her by not seeing her again. Solves all the problems regardless of who she is. And there's still plenty time to cancel my private psychologist appt. without being charged so should do that too as can't risk involving someone else . I was such an idiot to try to get help.

Very disappointed to hear this. But your decision obviously.

 

[Esokabat]

I think I might cancel the appt. with the mental health practitioner. If she's in on it, then there's only so much she can do with the notes if I never see her again. If she's genuine, then i'll save her by not seeing her again. Solves all the problems regardless of who she is. And there's still plenty time to cancel my private psychologist appt. without being charged so should do that too as can't risk involving someone else . I was such an idiot to try to get help.

Don't. Just don't.
Put yourself first and do not cancel anything.
Honesty is the only way.
Don't over think it, just go, just speak, let the truth flow.

 

[Tesha]

I think I might cancel the appt. with the mental health practitioner. If she's in on it, then there's only so much she can do with the notes if I never see her again. If she's genuine, then i'll save her by not seeing her again. Solves all the problems regardless of who she is. And there's still plenty time to cancel my private psychologist appt. without being charged so should do that too as can't risk involving someone else . I was such an idiot to try to get help.

Ok, you know psychology and you know the NHS mental health processes. What do you think will happen if you cancel? Do you think they'll leave you alone? Do you think they'll not contact your next of kin? You know they won't.

And a good private psychologist is also hard to find these days - try it and see how it goes and if the session isn't good, then consider cancelling.

You're not an idiot for trying to get help, but you are mistaken if you think cancelling everything will make life easier for yourself.

 

[timetodie24]

Don't. Just don't.
Put yourself first and do not cancel anything.
Honesty is the only way.
Don't over think it, just go, just speak, let the truth flow.

Even if the truth could cause death of many people ?

Ok, you know psychology and you know the NHS mental health processes. What do you think will happen if you cancel? Do you think they'll leave you alone? Do you think they'll not contact your next of kin? You know they won't.

And a good private psychologist is also hard to find these days - try it and see how it goes and if the session isn't good, then consider cancelling.

You're not an idiot for trying to get help, but you are mistaken if you think cancelling everything will make life easier for yourself.

They'll try to rearrange but then if I say I want to be discharged then they'll have no problem with that. I was discharged last year from CMHT despite being openly suicidal because I told them I had no treatment goals (and I didn't even ask for discharge, they pushed it). They don't care as long as it's someone off the caseload. So I'm not worried at all about what'll happen.
Cancelling will make my life easier as I'll have less things to worry about and it'll be easier for me to keep others safe.