Evil Bitch

[timetodie24]

Breathe!

You'll see when you get there. Maybe things are fine, maybe they aren't. Either way you'll find out, and worrying about it right now makes no difference!

Thank you. I'm definitely spiralling with it but i can't stop worrying until the appt. It's too much to push aside.

I suspect you won't accept what I'm about to say, but I think you did what you did because there's still a part of you, buried deep inside, that's asking for help.

You're going through absolute shit at the moment, but you're still managing to try. You're still managing to speak with us, and with professionals you don't know.

You're so much stronger than the voices controlling you.

Thank you. I do accept there is a part of me trying to reach out and get help still , i wish she'd let go though tbh . I'm definitely not stronger than the voices though, the system has powers I didn't even know were possible.

 

[Ash]

Thank you
Yes I really relate to that, I'm autistic too and verbal but when I'm anxious my words just go.

If it helps @alltoomuch2 and @timetodie24, I'm not but when I'm anxious or disassociate my brain shuts down so writing stuff down beforehand is often the only way I can make sure I can communicate something. It's amazing how ill-prepared MH services are for people who go non-verbal for whatever reason. Even things like ringing up to ask for help or make appointments become impossible.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Just venting so ignore me.

But getting so nervous for the next appointment. Now the practitioner has the notes and read them, I can't take it back. I really regret being so honest. I didn't share about suspecting her but I did share a lot . Too much. Worried how she'll react. What if now she's communicating with the system, planning how best to control me and how to harm others. There's nothing I can do until i see what she has to say, maybe confront her if she seems sus . Meanwhile people could be dying because of me. So what am I supposed to do. Idek who the woman was really and I trusted her with high level info. Why was I so naive and selfish. I wish I could take it back . If she reacts badly i'm scared of how i'd react, what the system might make me do. I guess i'd just have to run out if i felt out of control so that it's not unsafe for her . Even if she's not in on it, it's bad, as that means she will get controlled and terrible things will happen to her, so if she's not faking it and is kind then i will never forgive myself for letting them mind control and risk her too

I agree with Tesha. I think you've done exactly the right thing. And remember she had to read your notes, so the system hadn't said anything to her. and if she turns up next week and is still kind, it's very unlikely she's being controlled etc. Maybe start the appointment off by telling her of your concern about you might get out of control and harm her so she can be aware. But if she's happy to continue, then she'll be doing so in full knowledge of all the facts. I'm still proud of you for going to that appointment and telling her what you needed to. You're bound to have anxieties afterwards but remember how kind she was, and I think she's a good one, and is going to do her best for you. And that's not always the case so make the most of her. It'll be ok. Promise. Good luck next week at your next appointment.

 

[timetodie24]

I agree with Tesha. I think you've done exactly the right thing. And remember she had to read your notes, so the system hadn't said anything to her. and if she turns up next week and is still kind, it's very unlikely she's being controlled etc. Maybe start the appointment off by telling her of your concern about you might get out of control and harm her so she can be aware. But if she's happy to continue, then she'll be doing so in full knowledge of all the facts. I'm still proud of you for going to that appointment and telling her what you needed to. You're bound to have anxieties afterwards but remember how kind she was, and I think she's a good one, and is going to do her best for you. And that's not always the case so make the most of her. It'll be ok. Promise. Good luck next week at your next appointment.

Thank you so much x

I'm worried that makes it sound like a threat if I tell her about losing control though. So feels like a bad idea to tell her. Especially if she's in on it. I'll have a relative in the waiting room too so I can't risk her getting to them if she turns.
If I really can't stop myself i will make sure I harm me instead of her.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Thank you so much x

I'm worried that makes it sound like a threat if I tell her about losing control though. So feels like a bad idea to tell her. Especially if she's in on it. I'll have a relative in the waiting room too so I can't risk her getting to them if she turns.
If I really can't stop myself i will make sure I harm me instead of her.

If you said it like "I'm really worried that...." it wouldn't be threatening but I trust you to not hurt her. You're very caring for others.

 

[timetodie24]

I think I might cancel the appt. with the mental health practitioner. If she's in on it, then there's only so much she can do with the notes if I never see her again. If she's genuine, then i'll save her by not seeing her again. Solves all the problems regardless of who she is. And there's still plenty time to cancel my private psychologist appt. without being charged so should do that too as can't risk involving someone else . I was such an idiot to try to get help.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I think I might cancel the appt. with the mental health practitioner. If she's in on it, then there's only so much she can do with the notes if I never see her again. If she's genuine, then i'll save her by not seeing her again. Solves all the problems regardless of who she is. And there's still plenty time to cancel my private psychologist appt. without being charged so should do that too as can't risk involving someone else . I was such an idiot to try to get help.

Please don't. You know to walk away if you feel like you're a threat. You deserve the help and weren't an idiot! You're stressed because of obvious reasons and for feeling vulnerable.
You've got this

 

[alltoomuch2]

I think I might cancel the appt. with the mental health practitioner. If she's in on it, then there's only so much she can do with the notes if I never see her again. If she's genuine, then i'll save her by not seeing her again. Solves all the problems regardless of who she is. And there's still plenty time to cancel my private psychologist appt. without being charged so should do that too as can't risk involving someone else . I was such an idiot to try to get help.

Very disappointed to hear this. But your decision obviously.

 

[Esokabat]

I think I might cancel the appt. with the mental health practitioner. If she's in on it, then there's only so much she can do with the notes if I never see her again. If she's genuine, then i'll save her by not seeing her again. Solves all the problems regardless of who she is. And there's still plenty time to cancel my private psychologist appt. without being charged so should do that too as can't risk involving someone else . I was such an idiot to try to get help.

Don't. Just don't.
Put yourself first and do not cancel anything.
Honesty is the only way.
Don't over think it, just go, just speak, let the truth flow.

 

[Tesha]

I think I might cancel the appt. with the mental health practitioner. If she's in on it, then there's only so much she can do with the notes if I never see her again. If she's genuine, then i'll save her by not seeing her again. Solves all the problems regardless of who she is. And there's still plenty time to cancel my private psychologist appt. without being charged so should do that too as can't risk involving someone else . I was such an idiot to try to get help.

Ok, you know psychology and you know the NHS mental health processes. What do you think will happen if you cancel? Do you think they'll leave you alone? Do you think they'll not contact your next of kin? You know they won't.

And a good private psychologist is also hard to find these days - try it and see how it goes and if the session isn't good, then consider cancelling.

You're not an idiot for trying to get help, but you are mistaken if you think cancelling everything will make life easier for yourself.

 

[timetodie24]

Don't. Just don't.
Put yourself first and do not cancel anything.
Honesty is the only way.
Don't over think it, just go, just speak, let the truth flow.

Even if the truth could cause death of many people ?

Ok, you know psychology and you know the NHS mental health processes. What do you think will happen if you cancel? Do you think they'll leave you alone? Do you think they'll not contact your next of kin? You know they won't.

And a good private psychologist is also hard to find these days - try it and see how it goes and if the session isn't good, then consider cancelling.

You're not an idiot for trying to get help, but you are mistaken if you think cancelling everything will make life easier for yourself.

They'll try to rearrange but then if I say I want to be discharged then they'll have no problem with that. I was discharged last year from CMHT despite being openly suicidal because I told them I had no treatment goals (and I didn't even ask for discharge, they pushed it). They don't care as long as it's someone off the caseload. So I'm not worried at all about what'll happen.
Cancelling will make my life easier as I'll have less things to worry about and it'll be easier for me to keep others safe.

 

[Whale_bones]

Thank you so much x

I'm worried that makes it sound like a threat if I tell her about losing control though. So feels like a bad idea to tell her. Especially if she's in on it. I'll have a relative in the waiting room too so I can't risk her getting to them if she turns.
If I really can't stop myself i will make sure I harm me instead of her.

What if you said something like "You know that thing I mentioned in my notes? I feel really pressured by it and I'm worried I won't be able to make my own choices and be in control of my actions."

That way it doesn't sound like a threat at all, you're just genuinely letting her know your thoughts/feelings. And once she's had time to read your notes (which she should by the start of the next appointment) she'll have an understanding of what you're talking about (the system and its demands, feeling pressured to do what it says, etc.)

You're damn brave to get this far, and I hope you keep going! You deserve to have the freedom to make your own choices, like we all do. Majorly rooting for you

 

[creirwy]

Hey,
I'm so happy for you getting help!
I know it's hard to trust people and from only one brief conversation that won't happen. Maybe if you talk to the psychologist more often you'll feel more comfortable with sharing your thoughts but don't feel rushed, nobody expects you to trust them right away

 

[timetodie24]

Still convinced cancelling the appt. is for the best. Can't do so until Tuesday due to bank holiday (public/national holiday) tomorrow though. They've told me I have to take it all back, tell services I'm fine and discharge myself . The voices want me to cut contact with everyone. It's hard to with my parents considering I live with them so not sure how I can save them. I've ghosted irl friends, stopped communicating on social media with anyone and stopped using another forum too. I know i keep going back on it but i think I need to stop being a coward and stop posting here. They said anyone I contact in anyway is in danger so I need to shut myself off entirely from everyone. I believe them as they have harmed people before.

 

[creirwy]

They said anyone I contact in anyway is in danger so I need to shut myself off entirely from everyone. I believe them as they have harmed people before.

But the voices just tell you to do what's bad for you. Talking about your pain and seeking help is the only thing that could fight them, so of course they don't want you to do exactly that.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Still convinced cancelling the appt. is for the best. Can't do so until Tuesday due to bank holiday (public/national holiday) tomorrow though. They've told me I have to take it all back, tell services I'm fine and discharge myself . The voices want me to cut contact with everyone. It's hard to with my parents considering I live with them so not sure how I can save them. I've stopped communicating on social media with anyone. I've stopped using another forum. I know i keep going back on it but i think I need to stop being a coward and stop posting here. They said anyone I contact in anyway is in danger so I need to shut myself off entirely from everyone. I believe them as they have harmed people before.

I can't tell you what to do. Obviously. But your system hasn't brought any danger to me so far And the people I care for are dead already, so I'm good. No worries.

I get the same as you do during the time between appointments. From I wanna talk and prove I'm fine to I wanna talk to someone and tell them I'm not fine, to I don't want to talk at all, this is useless. Each week again and again. Its exhausting. But please give it a try? I know I'm not dealing with a system or voices that aren't my own. But I want to have tried whatever I could before stepping out.
And I remember you really wanted to try these two things not too long ago

 

[timetodie24]

I can't tell you what to do. Obviously. But your system hasn't brought any danger to me so far And the people I care for are dead already, so I'm good. No worries.

I get the same as you do during the time between appointments. From I wanna talk and prove I'm fine to I wanna talk to someone and tell them I'm not fine, to I don't want to talk at all, this is useless. Each week again and again. Its exhausting. But please give it a try? I know I'm not dealing with a system or voices that aren't my own. But I want to have tried whatever I could before stepping out.
And I remember you really wanted to try these two things not too long ago

Sorry . I know I'm all over the place about it. Back and forth. But the voices have been more aggressive about cutting contact today. Idk what to believe but I can't risk going and the professional (indirectly) killing my mum.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Sorry . I know I'm all over the place about it. Back and forth. But the voices have been more aggressive about cutting contact today. Idk what to believe but I can't risk going and the professional (indirectly) killing my mum.

Don't be sorry I get being all over the place. I'm sorry about the voices!

 

[timetodie24]

I'm considering running away. It's only way to keep everyone safe . That way i'll have no contact with anyone so they'll be safe. And I'm thinking if I stay out without sleep and I drink a lot then i'll have courage to do what they need me to do.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I'm considering running away. It's only way to keep everyone safe . That way i'll have no contact with anyone so they'll be safe. And I'm thinking if I stay out without sleep and I drink a lot then i'll have courage to do what they need me to do.

Don't do anything rash or impulsive? I support anyone's decision to stay or go but I'd rather see it not be done on impulse.

They might tell you what they want you to do but it's YOUR choice, not theirs!

 

[GolfNovemberSierra]

I'm considering running away. It's only way to keep everyone safe . That way i'll have no contact with anyone so they'll be safe. And I'm thinking if I stay out without sleep and I drink a lot then i'll have courage to do what they need me to do.

We've never met, but it's like reading my own posts elsewhere. This entire thread has felt like... Home!

My bag is already packed. As soon as they're all asleep, I'll let myself out the back door and vanish into the night

 

[timetodie24]

Fuck.
They made me carve practitioners name on my skin so that feels like a warning.
Also, Can feel another microchip just below my ear. I knew my parents were going to put another in yet fell asleep in early hours when I was meant to stay up.
How and why would I go to the appt. when everything is pointing not to ?

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Fuck.
They made me carve practitioners name on my skin so that feels like a warning.
Also, Can feel another microchip just below my ear. I knew my parents were going to put another in yet fell asleep in early hours when I was meant to stay up.
How and why would I go to the appt. when everything is pointing not to

Sounds aweful!

You have to sleep at some point..! Bodies need sleep. Or so I found out when I didn't and started to hallucinate
Because you wanted to. I get the system doesn't want you to go.
But not too long ago you did. Thats why
And because if you go you can say you've tried.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

You should keep your appointment! And yes as PP said you need to sleep or your issues will get worse. Are you family taking you to your appointment?

 

[opheliaoveragain]

You're not evil or deceptive. Even if your think you are, you've shown enough humility, care and compassion on this site to demonstrate to us that you're not.

I hope your relatives have managed to contact the right people now - and that you get seen soon.

I'm still prepared to 'risk' communicating with you, despite the danger you think I might be in. Keep talking to us.

Agreed with everything said here, we are here for you regardless.

 

[timetodie24]

You should keep your appointment! And yes as PP said you need to sleep or your issues will get worse. Are you family taking you to your appointment?

They were going to but just found out it's been changed to a phone appointment. I guess that's better since I can't hurt her over phone. I think i'll keep it just so I can see what she has to say but not tell her any more . Not that there's really much more to tell tbf. And hope I don't have to have any more appts. Cant say much on phone anyway as parents working from home so could overhear .

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

They were going to but just found out it's been changed to a phone appointment. I guess that's better since I can't hurt her over phone. I think i'll keep it just so I can see what she has to say but not tell her any more . Not that there's really much more to tell tbf. And hope I don't have to have any more appts. Cant say much on phone anyway as parents working from home so could overhear .

Can you find a space at home to be more alone so you can talk more freely without feeling overheard?

 

[timetodie24]

Can you find a space at home to be more alone so you can talk more freely without feeling overheard?

Wasn't much to talk about anyway , was only on for 5 mins . As she was saying it's hard for them to help if I can't say what sort of help I want or what I want them to do. But I just really don't know what's happening or what'd help so can never answer that.

But anyway she said she's spoken to psychosis team and told them what I wrote . They've said they'd accept another referral as I didn't share all that in assessment ( i did though except stuff that's happened since) . I agreed to the referral, i don't see the point as they'll discharge me again, but i'm thinking at least if they rule it out again then finally someone might believe me that this is real


Thank you for all your support btw (you and many others here). It genuinely means a lot

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Wasn't much to talk about anyway , was only on for 5 mins . As she was saying it's hard for them to help if I can't say what sort of help I want or what I want them to do. But I just really don't know what's happening or what'd help so can never answer that.

But anyway she said she's spoken to psychosis team and told them what I wrote . They've said they'd accept another referral as I didn't share all that in assessment ( i did though except stuff that's happened since) . I agreed to the referral, i don't see the point as they'll discharge me again, but i'm thinking at least if they rule it out again then finally someone might believe me that this is real


Thank you for all your support btw (you and many others here). It genuinely means a lot

wow 5 whole minutes.... jeez...

I hate it when they put it on you. Like hello I'm here to get help. If I knew what would help me I would have done it by myself already Being honest is key, I know.. But still.. Come on. They studied for it, I didn't. Although by now...

Be honest again about the microchips and choppers. Let them rule out it again. And if they have a solution try it
I dare say you are doing whatever you can to navigate your problems

I'm so glad I (and the others!) can be here for you

 

[alltoomuch2]

Still convinced cancelling the appt. is for the best. Can't do so until Tuesday due to bank holiday (public/national holiday) tomorrow though. They've told me I have to take it all back, tell services I'm fine and discharge myself . The voices want me to cut contact with everyone. It's hard to with my parents considering I live with them so not sure how I can save them. I've ghosted irl friends, stopped communicating on social media with anyone and stopped using another forum too. I know i keep going back on it but i think I need to stop being a coward and stop posting here. They said anyone I contact in anyway is in danger so I need to shut myself off entirely from everyone. I believe them as they have harmed people before.

Wasn't much to talk about anyway , was only on for 5 mins . As she was saying it's hard for them to help if I can't say what sort of help I want or what I want them to do. But I just really don't know what's happening or what'd help so can never answer that.

But anyway she said she's spoken to psychosis team and told them what I wrote . They've said they'd accept another referral as I didn't share all that in assessment ( i did though except stuff that's happened since) . I agreed to the referral, i don't see the point as they'll discharge me again, but i'm thinking at least if they rule it out again then finally someone might believe me that this is real


Thank you for all your support btw (you and many others here). It genuinely means a lot

Still here, all ok, and hoping that this all comes out right for you. So pleased you're going back to the psychosis team, just to confirm, or to help you more. You're doing brilliantly. So brave.