There's a small moment when I wake up where there's a sense of relief. Then a minute later of being conscious, everything comes back again. I realize if I didn't have any memory of what had happened, I believe I won't be so fucking suicidal. If there was no memory of each pain I've experienced and pain I've caused to the one I love, then things wouldn't be so fucking bad. I'd just wake up, refreshed and will probably have energy to grind in this stupid capitalist society to survive. Someone lobotomize me.
When I woke up, I saw a text from the hospital. Informing me of a bill related to when I got checked in. Took a look at it, and yeah..fuck debt. The fucking reason I was there in the first place was because my coworker convinced my ex to call the unwanted cops. I've repeatedly told my ex to never call the cops on someone or on me even before I expressed suicide intent. I never wanted to be there in the first fucking place. Oh and during that time of me being in the hospital and after being released, not one word of concern from the coworker who had expressed to me that she cares and she understands and you're not alone and etc. Now I have a medical bill that I can barely pay. So they "saved me," but they also want money for it. So now that I'm saved, I have to deal with the financial consequences, the profit that the healthcare industry wants from the people whom are suffering. I never wanted to be fucking saved YOU FUCKING PRO-LIFERS!!! Now I'm being tossed back out to continue living this shit capitalist life that people find ways of tolerating in order to continue.
Also, my psychiatrist refuses to approve my disability claim for my leave of absence. He really is a douche bag in and out. After more than a week of waiting, I had to contact my main doctor to get it moving. I can only hope that it's approved in case that I'm unable to go through my next attempt, because otherwise I won't have any money at all for the month. Unable to pay rent and other bills that popped up.
So after trying to fail my exit, I get punished even more for the action. This is a hard lesson learned to never, ever, as much as you want to, talk to someone about your suicide as things can become even worse for you. Only do it if they truly understand that suicide IS an option, that it IS a choice that everyone should have.
My date was supposed to be before or on christmas time. Now I might end up doing it sooner. The only thing that's stopping me and that's going to be a challenge is my SI as I've learned about myself in the most recent attempt.
I've been having a difficult time crying, but today it finally happened. There's far too much hurt and loneliness that I feel. It seems that it's getting worse as the days go on.
I just wish for things to be back somehow.
When I woke up, I saw a text from the hospital. Informing me of a bill related to when I got checked in. Took a look at it, and yeah..fuck debt. The fucking reason I was there in the first place was because my coworker convinced my ex to call the unwanted cops. I've repeatedly told my ex to never call the cops on someone or on me even before I expressed suicide intent. I never wanted to be there in the first fucking place. Oh and during that time of me being in the hospital and after being released, not one word of concern from the coworker who had expressed to me that she cares and she understands and you're not alone and etc. Now I have a medical bill that I can barely pay. So they "saved me," but they also want money for it. So now that I'm saved, I have to deal with the financial consequences, the profit that the healthcare industry wants from the people whom are suffering. I never wanted to be fucking saved YOU FUCKING PRO-LIFERS!!! Now I'm being tossed back out to continue living this shit capitalist life that people find ways of tolerating in order to continue.
Also, my psychiatrist refuses to approve my disability claim for my leave of absence. He really is a douche bag in and out. After more than a week of waiting, I had to contact my main doctor to get it moving. I can only hope that it's approved in case that I'm unable to go through my next attempt, because otherwise I won't have any money at all for the month. Unable to pay rent and other bills that popped up.
So after trying to fail my exit, I get punished even more for the action. This is a hard lesson learned to never, ever, as much as you want to, talk to someone about your suicide as things can become even worse for you. Only do it if they truly understand that suicide IS an option, that it IS a choice that everyone should have.
My date was supposed to be before or on christmas time. Now I might end up doing it sooner. The only thing that's stopping me and that's going to be a challenge is my SI as I've learned about myself in the most recent attempt.
I've been having a difficult time crying, but today it finally happened. There's far too much hurt and loneliness that I feel. It seems that it's getting worse as the days go on.
I just wish for things to be back somehow.
