Venting Each and everyday is about finding how horrible person I am

[darkdarkdark]

I talked with one of my few friends whom I met in gaming.
And he told me how others were pissed off at how I behaved.
He only mentioned one, but I suspected there are more of those who had unpleasant experiences because of me.

I was trying to forget how awful person I am but everytime I try to give myself a second chance, something pops up.

I have done other horrible things in life as well.
I should have killed myself when I had the chance.
I will never be forgiven. I suppose.

I hope when I die, it gives relief to those whom I have hurt.
I am already a big burden to the ones that I love.
I know that I have to face myself and correct and change my behaviors.
But I'm too scared.
I am scared to look at what's inside of me.

Not one day goes by without self-hating.
i just need to rest. Forever.

 

[jodes2]

If you do bad things and regret it you have it in you to change

 

[iiioowooiii]

I talked with one of my few friends whom I met in gaming.
And he told me how others were pissed off at how I behaved.
He only mentioned one, but I suspected there are more of those who had unpleasant experiences because of me.

I was trying to forget how awful person I am but everytime I try to give myself a second chance, something pops up.

I have done other horrible things in life as well.
I should have killed myself when I had the chance.
I will never be forgiven. I suppose.

I hope when I die, it gives relief to those whom I have hurt.
I am already a big burden to the ones that I love.
I know that I have to face myself and correct and change my behaviors.
But I'm too scared.
I am scared to look at what's inside of me.

Not one day goes by without self-hating.
i just need to rest. Forever.

These words could have been written by me. I feel the very same way. I was blissfully unaware of how awful I am until I'm constantly reminded by my partner and others in my life. And I have done some awful things when I was younger, things that haunt me but I can't undo. I suppose that the universe is done with me and I want to find a way out. I had bought a gun but my partner found it and got rid of it. I need a quick method and would love just to take some pills and go to sleep forever, but with all the drugs coming over the border, I have no clue how to get my hands on enough to do the job.

 

[Laivirt]

I'm finding myself in the same situation as well. The worst part is that I feel no internal pressure to change either. It's just something I can't rationalize.

The world we live in doesn't reward kindness. What it actually rewards is selfishness and greed.

So if being a nice person doesn't improve your situation, doesn't make people care about you...then you have to wonder, what is the point of all this exactly?

What am I even doing here? Just setting myself up to be used and discarded by others? Why?

It's becoming increasingly clear to me that people like us deserve to die. There is simply no other option available.

 

[nosoul]

This hits home, even now I have people my father and old friends that want me to bounce back, but I'm too far gone, I'm barely able to function but they don't want to hear it. I have dogs that still want to live, but one is old and hurting, can't sleep and eat my delusions took me too far and I fried my brain with psychedelics.

Noone will understand why I want to ctb, I'm breaking down can barely walk dogs feed myself, and no sleep! My lips are always chapped now. It's been only a few weeks but I'm declining. Coming here to vent is all I do these days as I feel so removed from the living world. I have done bad things while manic and it's left me all alone.

I may die even before ctbing and it sucks as my dogs need me. I'm so confused:( devastated that this is my life or end of it.

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

I'm finding myself in the same situation as well. The worst part is that I feel no internal pressure to change either. It's just something I can't rationalize.

The world we live in doesn't reward kindness. What it actually rewards is selfishness and greed.

So if being a nice person doesn't improve your situation, doesn't make people care about you...then you have to wonder, what is the point of all this exactly?

What am I even doing here? Just setting myself up to be used and discarded by others? Why?

It's becoming increasingly clear to me that people like us deserve to die. There is simply no other option available.

I feel exactly like this...