Venting Random Vent About Self-Hatred

[Riu]

I don't like being a burden, but it feels like that's all I'll ever be. I've tried to become a better person my entire life but I always fail. Everything I liked doing, I gave up on, and honestly, I've given up on myself and I'm giving up on the people around me too. I'm tired and I don't think I'll ever change. If I keep living, I'll just become an even bigger waste of space and useless piece of trash for the people around me. They might miss me now, but my death will be for the greater good. Everyone's lives will be easier without me in the future. It's not like anyone needs me, I'm easily replaceable. There is nothing special or interesting about me, the only reason my friends like me is because I've known them for so long so they're supposed to. I don't have anything useful to give to them and I can't do anything for anyone. I'm always the person in need, and I keep receiving for nothing. I am nothing and I will stay as nothing for the rest of my life. The only person who has ever said they really liked me was because they could talk to me about suicide and other things without me judging or making a big deal out of it. That's really all I have, I guess. I can't believe I ever even let myself fall in love. I already knew for so long that I am unloveable, and I still let myself try to grasp onto some hope. I shouldn't have doubted my thoughts, I knew, but I still tried to love someone. I should've just pushed my feelings down and waited for them to disappear. I just want to disappear. I have nothing to bring to the table, at all. I hate myself, and I hate existing. I wish I was never born, I wish someone else took my place, they would've probably lived a better life. I wish there were people I could blame, or hate. I guess my parents were neglectful in my childhood, and my father was shitty, but they were justified. They were under a lot of stress taking care of my sister because of her medical problems, so how can I blame them. I just wish it wasn't just me, but I am just me and I will always be me. I don't want to do anything anymore, I just want to sleep, hopefully forever and never wake up. I'm going to ctb with sn, idk what day yet, but maybe soon because I don't know if I can keep going for another month or two. I really really hope this works, because I can't handle the shame if it fails.

 

[PanaxMan]

I don't like being a burden, but it feels like that's all I'll ever be. I've tried to become a better person my entire life but I always fail. Everything I liked doing, I gave up on, and honestly, I've given up on myself and I'm giving up on the people around me too. I'm tired and I don't think I'll ever change. If I keep living, I'll just become an even bigger waste of space and useless piece of trash for the people around me. They might miss me now, but my death will be for the greater good. Everyone's lives will be easier without me in the future. It's not like anyone needs me, I'm easily replaceable. There is nothing special or interesting about me, the only reason my friends like me is because I've known them for so long so they're supposed to. I don't have anything useful to give to them and I can't do anything for anyone. I'm always the person in need, and I keep receiving for nothing. I am nothing and I will stay as nothing for the rest of my life. The only person who has ever said they really liked me was because they could talk to me about suicide and other things without me judging or making a big deal out of it. That's really all I have, I guess. I can't believe I ever even let myself fall in love. I already knew for so long that I am unloveable, and I still let myself try to grasp onto some hope. I shouldn't have doubted my thoughts, I knew, but I still tried to love someone. I should've just pushed my feelings down and waited for them to disappear. I just want to disappear. I have nothing to bring to the table, at all. I hate myself, and I hate existing. I wish I was never born, I wish someone else took my place, they would've probably lived a better life. I wish there were people I could blame, or hate. I guess my parents were neglectful in my childhood, and my father was shitty, but they were justified. They were under a lot of stress taking care of my sister because of her medical problems, so how can I blame them. I just wish it wasn't just me, but I am just me and I will always be me. I don't want to do anything anymore, I just want to sleep, hopefully forever and never wake up. I'm going to ctb with sn, idk what day yet, but maybe soon because I don't know if I can keep going for another month or two. I really really hope this works, because I can't handle the shame if it fails.

My parents overworked me since the age of 7 destroying my social life (which was good) and then due to my dad's problems he caused my to fall from social connection. Covid didn't help much although it gave me access to freedom which I've always been grateful.