Hey friends,
So I'm new here. I've been navigating chronic suicidality for the last 3+ years. This all started after a painful break up with my partner of nearly 10 years. If you had asked me before the break up if I would want to die if we broke up, I would have laughed at you. I am a smart, thoughtful, grounded person, or so I thought. Unfortunately, after the break up, something in me switched. I have completely lost my will to live. I attempted a number of times. I was hospitalized multiple times, did a couple residential programs and day programs. Over the last three years I have tried nearly 20 different medications, ECT, TMS, ketamine, MDMA, hypnosis, therapy, EMDR. I have an incredibly supportive friend group. I have a very loving family. My job is very meaningful. I have managed to do things these last three years. I have travelled and spent time with people I love. I've gone on dates and had sex. I have snuggled my cat. I delivered a set of powerful lectures. The list goes on. And yet, I still want to die. I cannot stop thinking about my ex and the life he has created with the person he left me for. I cannot get over him no matter how hard I try. I am 41 years old. I do not want to wake up at 50 and wish I had killed myself 10 years before. I don't really know what to do. I don't know what I'm looking for at this point. I don't want to keep hanging on. I feel so cowardly. I'm also angry that if I follow through the only thing I'll ever be remembered for is that I took my life. I also hate that there will never, ever, be accountability for my ex for destroying my life. I feel like 3 years of trying is long enough. It's so fucking embarrassing to not be over someone after 3 years. He's clearly moved on. Everyone else I know who has gone through divorce or break up moves on. Why is my brain so broken and why is dying the only thing that makes any sense?
So I'm new here. I've been navigating chronic suicidality for the last 3+ years. This all started after a painful break up with my partner of nearly 10 years. If you had asked me before the break up if I would want to die if we broke up, I would have laughed at you. I am a smart, thoughtful, grounded person, or so I thought. Unfortunately, after the break up, something in me switched. I have completely lost my will to live. I attempted a number of times. I was hospitalized multiple times, did a couple residential programs and day programs. Over the last three years I have tried nearly 20 different medications, ECT, TMS, ketamine, MDMA, hypnosis, therapy, EMDR. I have an incredibly supportive friend group. I have a very loving family. My job is very meaningful. I have managed to do things these last three years. I have travelled and spent time with people I love. I've gone on dates and had sex. I have snuggled my cat. I delivered a set of powerful lectures. The list goes on. And yet, I still want to die. I cannot stop thinking about my ex and the life he has created with the person he left me for. I cannot get over him no matter how hard I try. I am 41 years old. I do not want to wake up at 50 and wish I had killed myself 10 years before. I don't really know what to do. I don't know what I'm looking for at this point. I don't want to keep hanging on. I feel so cowardly. I'm also angry that if I follow through the only thing I'll ever be remembered for is that I took my life. I also hate that there will never, ever, be accountability for my ex for destroying my life. I feel like 3 years of trying is long enough. It's so fucking embarrassing to not be over someone after 3 years. He's clearly moved on. Everyone else I know who has gone through divorce or break up moves on. Why is my brain so broken and why is dying the only thing that makes any sense?
