Scared of 30

[missporcelain]

Can anyone out there relate to the innate, crippling fear of turning a new age? In June, I will be 30, and I have been in a crisis. Please tell me how to use prescriptions (I use benzos and have Oxy from 2022) to go. I do not say that lightly. Life's highs are very high, but the lows are unbearable. The lows outweigh the highs, death is coming for everyone, and I don't know if I actually want to grow older. All my friends are married and/or have kids.

I feel like I lost the memo. And I feel so lost, stuck, and crippled by anxiety and intrusive thoughts. A therapist I saw several years ago suggested I likely struggle with OCD…and the rumination and obsessions and thoughts make me feel like a prisoner to my own self. My love life is awful (three relationships and a lot of dating later and I am so burned out…dating feels nearly impossible) and always ends badly - this gets to me the most - I had to move back in with my parents due to nocturnal seizures. Work was cut in half, and I have not been financially where I need to be to live independently again.

And I turn 30 in two months. I don't think I want to live to see it. I really don't. I don't want to be 30, and something about leaving the world forever 29 seems so much better.

I feel lile such a failure. I work really hard for things, think I'm making good and healthy strides, but the plot twists feel like a curse. I don't know what I keep doing wrong, why I attract the chaos I do, but I've been in a really manic headspace…and now that the mania is dying down and I'm faced with reality, a lot of existential questions, and a depression difficult to articulate, I want to know my options. I just don't know if I can make it to 30. It sounds stupid, but life is so heavy on my shoulders, all the decisions and choices are up to me, and the overwhelm and panic I feel as my birthday gets closer makes me long for the grave.

 

[TAW122]

I had the same thing back in 2019, when I was 29, and I dread every time there is another year, another year alive to suffer and experience sentience that I don't want to experience... However, I coped and tolerated bullshit itself (and lived through the pandemic). Now in the year 2026, I will be 36 later this year, and I am planning for my own personal demise by my own hand on my own terms, sooner than later.. Of course, sentience and life itself can be unpredictable and even when I made my decision, I am not going to rush it or attempt haphazardly until I'm as close to absolute certainty (near 100%) that I am ready, prepared, and also confidently know I can follow through, no half-assed attempts, or anything that leads to failure..

I hope you find the peace you are looking for..

 

[ireallywasnttogopls]

i can heavily relate

 

[Red.one]

I feel the same. Have some time to 30 but I still feel like I'm 24. I'm workings with teens and tweens. Sometimes they ask me if I have kids - I'm always like... Does my cats count? Sometimes they think I'm like 21... Every single time I'm confused.
I think that everyone goes with what they are - some people feels like they are 40+ when they are 20. Some gives you "forever young" vibes. You're just one of them ig? Me too, so high 5?

 

[tipoftheRGB]

I relate to this a huge amount. I turn 30 in 6 months and I have failed in life due to making too many mistakes and bad choices which seemed like good choices at the time. I had a mental breakdown at 26 and I am now a long term unemployed NEET living with my dad who dgaf about me and I haven't left the house in 3.5 years. I've lost most of my friends and some of those friends were such amazing people. And I have distanced from the few friends I have left and they all have people they love more than me whereas for me, they are the only friends I have. And yes they are all married and about to have kids. I have no hobbies and no social life and I have no idea who I am, what I like or what city to live in or move to. I have never had a relationship and now I'm upset that I have missed my chance for love, happiness and a normal life, especially as a woman. I also missed my chance to have a relationship with a guy I really wanted to be with due to my own psychological issues and now he is gone - settled down with a younger, prettier, better version of me. I dread 30 so much. I also feel like I missed the memo that everyone else seemed to get. The thought of 30 feels like an intense pit of fear and despair. I obsess, ruminate and cry hysterically for most of my day every day. Personally I am going to try and make it to 30 although idk whether I will actually make it. I think ctb at 30 is acceptable and justifiable and thats why leaving the world at 30 seems less tragic and romantic almost than dying at 29 imo although maybe we feel that way because we are 29 and not older idk. But I get you and feel similarly to you. Whatever you choose makes sense and I wish you the best with it.

 

[Supplicium]

Guys... same as you all. Pushing the 30.
I completely relate to everything that was commented here.

What do we do?

 

[tipoftheRGB]

Guys... same as you all. Pushing the 30.
I completely relate to everything that was commented here.

What do we do?

The best thing I can think of rn is to keep trying until 30 and then debate whether to ctb or not at 30. But I don't know whether I will stick to this plan. And I think I will try to pretend to everyone else I am completely fine although idk whether I will manage. I'm also trying not to think about what I could have had in life if I'd made better choices, less mistakes or had better luck and I'm trying to stop ruminating and obsessing and thinking about the past but its really hard. But we don't have a time machine so what else can we do?

 

[missporcelain]

I relate to so much of this. Somedays I feel on top of the world, ambitious, and hopeful…and no sooner do I wake up and just feel crushed. It's almost indescribable. Seeing my grandparents and people in my life age, grow feeble, and struggle with health is so sad to watch (makes me want to step back in time, and the impossibility of that also feels soul crushing), and also makes me realize I really, truly don't think I want to grow old.

I feel I have seen and accomplished as much as I'd like, and no victory, success, person, or pretty, shiny "thing" could outweigh the sheer chaos and overwhelm. I too obsess, ruminate, and feel stuck in a loop. No matter how hard I try to fight it or even surrender to it or pray and have faith…it's a sadness that follows.

 

[ilovenewyork]

It's just a number. Maybe your fortunes will change and you'll get everything you ever wanted by 32. It doesn't make sense to obsess over a number. Definitely doesn't make sense to CTB over turning 30.

 

[witchcraft]

Can anyone out there relate to the innate, crippling fear of turning a new age? In June, I will be 30, and I have been in a crisis. Please tell me how to use prescriptions (I use benzos and have Oxy from 2022) to go. I do not say that lightly. Life's highs are very high, but the lows are unbearable. The lows outweigh the highs, death is coming for everyone, and I don't know if I actually want to grow older. All my friends are married and/or have kids.

I feel like I lost the memo. And I feel so lost, stuck, and crippled by anxiety and intrusive thoughts. A therapist I saw several years ago suggested I likely struggle with OCD…and the rumination and obsessions and thoughts make me feel like a prisoner to my own self. My love life is awful (three relationships and a lot of dating later and I am so burned out…dating feels nearly impossible) and always ends badly - this gets to me the most - I had to move back in with my parents due to nocturnal seizures. Work was cut in half, and I have not been financially where I need to be to live independently again.

And I turn 30 in two months. I don't think I want to live to see it. I really don't. I don't want to be 30, and something about leaving the world forever 29 seems so much better.

I feel lile such a failure. I work really hard for things, think I'm making good and healthy strides, but the plot twists feel like a curse. I don't know what I keep doing wrong, why I attract the chaos I do, but I've been in a really manic headspace…and now that the mania is dying down and I'm faced with reality, a lot of existential questions, and a depression difficult to articulate, I want to know my options. I just don't know if I can make it to 30. It sounds stupid, but life is so heavy on my shoulders, all the decisions and choices are up to me, and the overwhelm and panic I feel as my birthday gets closer makes me long for the grave.

Damn I relate to this.

Nearing 30 myself. It's like I'm getting left behind by everyone I grew up with. I was always different... not in the sense of having no friends or being bullied, to be clear, but just... different. Deeply bothered by things nobody else seemed bothered by. Unable to achieve milestones that other people got by just existing. It eventually became painful to be around successful people, and now I've been a borderline American hikikomori for the past 3 years living with one of my parents.

As I get older, it's like I'm turning into a husk. I felt so deeply when I was younger. Even if I was depressed back then too, I had some kind of life in me, some defiant soul.

Nothing gets better with age. Certainly not my hairline. Certainly not mental sharpness. Certainly not creative passion. So what then? What's the point? They say you can become wiser but he who increaseth knawledge does not end up in a garage in the Hollywood hills with a Lambo.

I've had three relationships too. I learned I have problems and that I'll probably never be able to love because of it. Well, I can love, have loved, I'm lucky in that respect. But I'm an awful person to date. My girlfriends weren't perfect people either (who is?) but holy fuck, I'm a mess and I wouldn't even know where to start or how to fix it.

At least I learned that a relationship isn't going to solve whatever my issues are. But now I just feel like I'll never have one / never be able to have one. Just another thing I'll be forever looking in on from the outside. People think I'm a mime but I am literally stuck in an invisible glass box and I can't get out.

Sorry, not trying to make this about myself, this is just how I try to show that I relate. My bad. I wish I had advice but I can't really add much more besides what ilovenewyork said. I might've added the qualifier "to a certain extent age is just a number" but whatever. If I say more, it'll just end up sounding like the exact kind of advice that I hate getting lol.

 

[inconclusivesorbet]

About to turn 30 in june as well. Loss of soul. Loss of friends Loss of urgency for anything. There's nothing that I really care about it feels like. Im unemployed and live with my mom. Im a felon due to shoplifting in psychosis. I feel you I really do. Im so tired and done There's no will to continue

 

[Hystearical]

I turned 30 shortly before joining this site. Enough said. If you dong have a career and/or family to pull you through life past that age it's hard.

 

[peacebenow]

I would do anything to be 30 again in every single aspect of my life. this site would be a foreign concept to me.

 

[posterchild]

I know how you feel – I'm also 30. So tired, bored of being alive. I keep facing rejection everyday. I'm so embarrassed to be financially dependent on my parents because I'm unemployed.

I was personally handed good cards in life, but somehow managed to mess it all up. Even if it wasn't for my financial troubles, I don't really think life is worth it. Things seem to get worse and worse, the lack of prospects. It's like an endless void. I cannot live like this anymore, 30 years on this planet is enough.

 

[lawlietsph]

I just turned 30 this february. Everyone said that life goes on and nothing happens once you turn 30, and it's true in a way. But I still feel different.
I have many regrets. I feel like i'm completely worthless now and that's what social media is also shoving down my throat (because i'm a woman, so i guess i expired or some shit?)

Most days I try not to think about it. However i started to be terrified of wrinkles, grey hair, menopause, and all the things that are awaiting for me.
The worst thing is that i still feel like a 6 years old little girl, but here i am, in a 30 years old body... like what the fuck is this? what happened? what did i do with my life?
not gonna lie, it feels like life is truly over.

i have no strength anymore. trying to accept that i'm considered old now, just doing my daily stuff, still sleeping with my plushies...

wish i could say something motivating and positive, but i can't... i was never ready to be an adult and it feels so unnatural.

i guess the only thing i can say is that truly nothing is going to happen when you turn 30.. you are going to feel the same, have the same routines, that day is going to be exactly like any other day.

 

[The Eternal One]

I just turned 30 this february. Everyone said that life goes on and nothing happens once you turn 30, and it's true in a way. But I still feel different.
I have many regrets. I feel like i'm completely worthless now and that's what social media is also shoving down my throat (because i'm a woman, so i guess i expired or some shit?)

Most days I try not to think about it. However i started to be terrified of wrinkles, grey hair, menopause, and all the things that are awaiting for me.
The worst thing is that i still feel like a 6 years old little girl, but here i am, in a 30 years old body... like what the fuck is this? what happened? what did i do with my life?
not gonna lie, it feels like life is truly over.

i have no strength anymore. trying to accept that i'm considered old now, just doing my daily stuff, still sleeping with my plushies...

wish i could say something motivating and positive, but i can't... i was never ready to be an adult and it feels so unnatural.

i guess the only thing i can say is that truly nothing is going to happen when you turn 30.. you are going to feel the same, have the same routines, that day is going to be exactly like any other day.

I could have made this post myself word-for-word, except I turned 30 on March instead of February.
Also, while reading this, I looked at my plushies I sleep with and hug every night and felt so embarassed, ha-ha...
Thank you for your thorough reply to OP. It's always a warm and soothing experience to encounter someone so similar on the Internet.

 

[Spite]

I dread turning 30.

I've still got two years to go until I'm there. I'll turn 30 in 2028. But yeah, I am definitely - absolutely - starting to get that "pushing 30" feeling weighing on my mind more and more as of late. It's fucking scary.

I think back on my 20s (and my whole life, really) and it truly feels like it has flown by so quickly. What hurts the most is that I'm approaching this big milestone in age, and I feel like I have little to show for it. I also struggle with feeling like an adult. I feel like mentally I am still around 18-20 years old. It's like I never really "grew up".

When I think about the time between now and my 26th birthday, those two years didn't feel long at all. So the next two years leading up to my 30th are just going to fly by. I'll be 30 before I know it.

I just know that the longer I go on, the harder life is going to get. What about when I turn 40? 50? 60? It's just going to get worse and worse as the burdens and pressures of life continue to intensify and close in on me as I grow older. It won't get easier.

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

"Control the things you can control, one step at a time." ~Suncha (Victus Group)

Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. (Matthew 6:34)

 

[RadiantNumber]

I am 31 and I feel bad, I wish I could be 20 again

 

[crimsonpeaked]

I just turned 30. And I was riding a positive high of emotions after "getting through it" and overcoming the suicidal thoughts... But it was all temporary. Just had an argument with my mother. Basically same situation as many of you... I cannot fathom how my life could possibly be worth living if I can NEVER be financially secure, What is the point?