Venting Don´t want to live, but scared of dying

[griffith.b]

Ok, so I am unsure if the prefix is correct but anyways...
I now have MeTo and SN (stored for about 6 months). I have had suicidal thoughts for a long time, sometimes i cry myself to sleep just wanting to end it all.
I have attempted suicide before but not with reliable methods. And I think that maybe this is what scares me with SN, it is almost certain you will die.

I want to die but at the same time I don´t. I am so scared of how my family and friends will feel after i ctb.
I am scared of what happens after you are dead. I am scared of regretting having taking the pills but it will be to late to undo it.
At the same time I am so tired of everything. Everyday I just act happy when I am not.
I feel like everything is hopeless and that I have no purpose.
For so many nights before I go to bed I have just wished that instead of waking up, I will just disappear.

I don´t know if this makes any sense though.
Does anyone else feel the same?
That you sort of want to be removed from this world but at the same time you don´t want to.

Hey, I'm new here so I don't really know what SN and N means. Anyone care to explain?

 

[KTbear]

Ok, so I am unsure if the prefix is correct but anyways...
I now have MeTo and SN (stored for about 6 months). I have had suicidal thoughts for a long time, sometimes i cry myself to sleep just wanting to end it all.
I have attempted suicide before but not with reliable methods. And I think that maybe this is what scares me with SN, it is almost certain you will die.

I want to die but at the same time I don´t. I am so scared of how my family and friends will feel after i ctb.
I am scared of what happens after you are dead. I am scared of regretting having taking the pills but it will be to late to undo it.
At the same time I am so tired of everything. Everyday I just act happy when I am not.
I feel like everything is hopeless and that I have no purpose.
For so many nights before I go to bed I have just wished that instead of waking up, I will just disappear.

I don´t know if this makes any sense though.
Does anyone else feel the same?
That you sort of want to be removed from this world but at the same time you don´t want to.

Sure it makes sense - lots of people feel like this. The most logical thing in that situation is to wait. It's not like there's a due date or anything.

 

[FogFilledLife]

There's no reason to fear death, only pain and what might come after.

 

[again]

No hay razón para temer a la muerte, solo el dolor y lo que pueda venir después.

it is the same for me...

 

[FuneralCry]

I am only scared of the method failing personally. I do not see death as something to be scared of, I believe that there is nothing after this, when we die, we cease to exist, we are gone. I see it as being just like how before we were born, where time passed and yet we were not aware of anything.

Of course many people are scared of dying as this existence is all they know, they cannot comprehend what it is like to be dead. The thing that scares me instead is suffering for decades until old age. Existence is extremely horrifying and there is no limit as to how bad things can get.

 

[September5th]

Suicide seems like something so absurd that I can't do it, no matter how much I want to do it.
We're bombarded by anti-death propaganda since we're very little, so our brains can't conceive suicide as a viable option. That truly sucks, as no one should be afraid of death. It's a natural thing.
In any case, just wait. Eventually, you'll hate living so much that fear, guilt and dread will no longer interrupt you. Or you'll be happy again. Who knows?

 

[sad_gurl_thoughts]

Yes, I want to CTB so badly, but I feel too scared to actually go through with it. Then that makes me feel like a coward and I feel even worse about myself. I have family but they live in another state and don't understand me. I've lost nearly all my friends and had my heart broken so not sure what's keeping me here. Certainly don't feel like I have anything left to live for.

Surely it would be easier to end things to put me out of my misery, so why can't I take the necessary actions? It's so frustrating.

 

[Out of Time]

Tired of living but scared to die...I get that. I'm scared too. I'm 40 now but have had suicidal struggles since I was a kid and have just hurt since even my earliest memories. People say it's temporary and all, but it's been my whole life, so how can I reasonably believe temporary? Of course we can't put all our specifics here, there's just not room or time, but im sure everyone here understands that it's an excruciating way to live and there doesn't seem to be a reason for it. And if life was all there was to worry about, I'd be dead. There's no family to mourn any loss and I'm not as afraid of the balls it will take to end my life considering I've endured til now anyway. My fear comes from knowing that when I die, there is either one or the other. I believe that Jesus of the Bible is at least real enough to guarantee an afterlife. Many people say that a saved sinner is a saved sinner and that suicide isn't an unforgivable sin, yet centuries before have affirmed that is is. But the bible doesn't mention suicide specifically, and I haven't found anything detailing a yes or no on consequences. But what I know is that I don't know and that as much as it hurts now, I imagine hell will be much worse. I don't want to gamble with those stakes. People say life is short and I believe that it is actually dreadfully long, but perhaps compared to eternity, it may just be the blink of an eye. If hurting for 40 years has been too much, how can I burn for eternity?

 

[ViperDepression22]

I feel the same

 

[Moonlight Tears]

Ok, so I am unsure if the prefix is correct but anyways...
I now have MeTo and SN (stored for about 6 months). I have had suicidal thoughts for a long time, sometimes i cry myself to sleep just wanting to end it all.
I have attempted suicide before but not with reliable methods. And I think that maybe this is what scares me with SN, it is almost certain you will die.

I want to die but at the same time I don´t. I am so scared of how my family and friends will feel after i ctb.
I am scared of what happens after you are dead. I am scared of regretting having taking the pills but it will be to late to undo it.
At the same time I am so tired of everything. Everyday I just act happy when I am not.
I feel like everything is hopeless and that I have no purpose.
For so many nights before I go to bed I have just wished that instead of waking up, I will just disappear.

I don´t know if this makes any sense though.
Does anyone else feel the same?
That you sort of want to be removed from this world but at the same time you don´t want to.

I kind of feel that way but more of not being here anymore.

 

[ConnectionLost]

I feel the same way. Except the feelings of the people I leave behind doesnt bother me much. One moment I visualize doing ctb and want nothing else, another moment I visualize it and know I would panic.
I guess for me there is still an irrational "hope" things will get better. Its irrational cause I have been depressed off and on for the same reasons and it never gets better, even though some happier times come and go. Im afraid of the future but somewhere its the only thing I (we) have left. Does anyone recognize this? :(

 

[outrider567]

I feel the same way. Except the feelings of the people I leave behind doesnt bother me much. One moment I visualize doing ctb and want nothing else, another moment I visualize it and know I would panic.
I guess for me there is still an irrational "hope" things will get better. Its irrational cause I have been depressed off and on for the same reasons and it never gets better, even though some happier times come and go. Im afraid of the future but somewhere its the only thing I (we) have left. Does anyone recognize this? :(

Yes--Hoping things will 'get better' is an irrational thought to me also, but I would really say that its actually more of an impossible thought

 

[racheyrooble]

Ok, so I am unsure if the prefix is correct but anyways...
I now have MeTo and SN (stored for about 6 months). I have had suicidal thoughts for a long time, sometimes i cry myself to sleep just wanting to end it all.
I have attempted suicide before but not with reliable methods. And I think that maybe this is what scares me with SN, it is almost certain you will die.

I want to die but at the same time I don´t. I am so scared of how my family and friends will feel after i ctb.
I am scared of what happens after you are dead. I am scared of regretting having taking the pills but it will be to late to undo it.
At the same time I am so tired of everything. Everyday I just act happy when I am not.
I feel like everything is hopeless and that I have no purpose.
For so many nights before I go to bed I have just wished that instead of waking up, I will just disappear.

I don´t know if this makes any sense though.
Does anyone else feel the same?
That you sort of want to be removed from this world but at the same time you don´t want to.

i hear you

 

[Obliviate]

yes yes yes. I don't wanna live but so afraid of the afterlife

 

[Sysiphos]

If you're indecisive, it's best to wait because you're probably not ready. CTB is forever, and the option to go through with it never vanishes, so there's no rush

This seems like fair opinion to me.