Does anyone ever get mad that their family loves them?

[l.a557]

This sounds crazy, but my family is literally the only thing holding me back from committing suicide. I'm just tired of making the same mistakes and feeling the same feelings over and over again, but I know if I do it, it'll probably destroy my family, my dad and my sister would probably commit suicide after me, I don't want that. I love them so much, but then my feelings fold in on themselves and I end up resenting them for keeping me from what I've always wanted. I always tell myself that they're selfish for wanting me alive because of their own needs and feelings, but I know that's not the case. I don't know anymore.

 

[human909]

I have a bit of understanding what you are feeling but i have almost everything dead inside of me and i just wish to die.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

This sounds crazy, but my family is literally the only thing holding me back from committing suicide. I'm just tired of making the same mistakes and feeling the same feelings over and over again, but I know if I do it, it'll probably destroy my family, my dad and my sister would probably commit suicide after me, I don't want that. I love them so much, but then my feelings fold in on themselves and I end up resenting them for keeping me from what I've always wanted. I always tell myself that they're selfish for wanting me alive because of their own needs and feelings, but I know that's not the case. I don't know anymore.

I'm not mad about it or anything, quite grateful actually. However it does make CTB very hard to even consider. I definitely know how you feel though, and I hope things get better for you

 

[kitia973]

Sometimes it's easier to die knowing that nobody will miss you and people will not have to suffer after your death.

 

[KillingPain267]

Oh yes, I can totally relate. Sometimes I even wish they would disappear, as bad as it sounds. If I was totally alone I would have drank myself to death or brain damage. So they are keeping me from total self-obliteration and I sometimes resent them for it. On the other hand, they keep me company so I can keep my mind a bit occupied from itself.

 

[cait_sith]

This sounds crazy, but my family is literally the only thing holding me back from committing suicide. I'm just tired of making the same mistakes and feeling the same feelings over and over again, but I know if I do it, it'll probably destroy my family, my dad and my sister would probably commit suicide after me, I don't want that. I love them so much, but then my feelings fold in on themselves and I end up resenting them for keeping me from what I've always wanted. I always tell myself that they're selfish for wanting me alive because of their own needs and feelings, but I know that's not the case. I don't know anymore.

all of my family is dead but I still can't do it from si and fear of failure. But I will get there I am certain.

 

[platypus77]

This sounds crazy, but my family is literally the only thing holding me back from committing suicide. I'm just tired of making the same mistakes and feeling the same feelings over and over again, but I know if I do it, it'll probably destroy my family, my dad and my sister would probably commit suicide after me, I don't want that. I love them so much, but then my feelings fold in on themselves and I end up resenting them for keeping me from what I've always wanted. I always tell myself that they're selfish for wanting me alive because of their own needs and feelings, but I know that's not the case. I don't know anymore.

I always like to say this from some reason, maybe it's my resentment against my family too.

When people like you they punish you with love.

Love is a prison and once you're chained you aren't free to anymore. You can choose to leave by breaking you side of the chains, but can not repair theirs.

 

[NonEssential]

Yes, this is sucks so much. I just wish they'd forget about me.

 

[nomoredolor]

I relate heavily.
Anna

 

[TheHolySword]

I understand why it might make some people feel that way. Personally, I'm not angry or upset about it. I'm grateful to have been able to love and be loved, and I'm guilty that I will be leaving them all like this. It would make it so much easier if I were not loved and didn't have anyone I'd be leaving behind but that's just not how my life played out, no sense in being angry at the people who love me just because they make it harder to die.

 

[divinemistress36]

I could have ctb years ago if it wasnt for parents its bittersweet

 

[OTanerd]

I understand you. This would be easier if there was no one to love me, but there are people who will love me until the end of their lives. I hope they do very well in their lives when I am gone.

 

[Igotaplane]

I relate to this a lot, I love my family dearly but a part of me is so angry that I care so much. I've never wanted to live and so I understand being so resentful when you know it's true they care about you and they love you. I hope you're able to find peace with those feelings because I know they're challenging

 

[Forever Sleep]

Not for loving me but, I do pretty much hate it that my parents brought me into this. I also kind of resent being expected to do well in this world. Still, I think that's mostly because of their own upbringing- that that was expected of them and, they obviously had no real problem with it. It connects to love I suppose in a way. They want me to be able to live (financially) comfortably. So, while I understand their point of view, I think we all could have been spared it if they hadn't decided to have children.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

It is the case. The onus gets placed on the person who commits suicide, because it causes pain on the family and loved ones. But the family caused pain on the individual by bringing them into existence against their will. Effectively, no matter the way the child dies, the parent is responsible for their death. Inevitably. By having children, it is a murderous act, and sometimes it is committing torture and murder, when the life they lead ultimately shows it was not worth the risk. Russian roulette, not with their own lives, but with the lives of their children. They pointed a loaded gun at you, pulled the trigger, then get upset that the bullet landed?

Having children is such a routine and normal part of life, it's never critiqued or considered from the perspective of the person offing themselves. It's called a "selfish" act, completely ignoring the selfishness of the family. Of course they will die, but they also *got* to live. As if it was some gift that was given to them. It's never critiqued, not really. So what I'm saying is you're held to the standard, but they're not held to the same standard. It is, indeed, the case that they are selfish for wanting to keep you here, in this Hell floating in a sea of blood.

All that said, I hear you. The love they have for you is still real and palpable, and you have an innate sense of loyalty and compassion for that. It was ignorance that brought you into the world, not pure malice. In that sense, they are not at fault. But in the same vein, you are also not at fault for controlling your own destiny. It is simply a side effect of humanity--and life--that we must always hurt each other--no matter what paths we go down: inevitably, we hurt each other.