Does anyone else’s thoughts scare them sometimes?

[drownitoutwithmusic]

I've honestly been depressed since I can remember. I mean I've had my breakdowns, an attempt, SH, & whatever else.

In the moment when I feel overwhelmed hurting myself to the point of no turning back doesn't scare me. I mean, even when I was in the hospital I wasn't scared.

And then when I'm feeling okay I'm like "damn what really happens after this" - I'm more so worried about I guess the afterlife more than my impact on those around me if I were to be successful. & before someone comes here & says "oh the afterlife doesn't exist" - I just don't know & there's not a definitive answer because no one can tell us - can they? Anyways, yeah I mean will I be punished, will I relive my worst nightmare, will it be forever, is this it? Just this life? If I was guaranteed a peaceful life after this one like a set in stone type of deal I'd take it and leave this one.

And even though I have this thought of "holy shit I'm really thinking of ending things permanently" I also like have this part of me that says "you need to have a plan just in case because of who you are & what you've been through".

Does this even make sense?

 

[Al_stargate]

My personal belief is that there is afterlife and suicide does have a karmic burden, so to speak. I don't know if there are any extenuating circumstances, there should be. If you can live somewhat normally and don't have big issues, I wouldn't consider it. But I know how you feel that life is meaningless really and we all just surviving and trying to protect ourselves from next problem.

 

[maylurker]

yeah and i feel guilty about it instantly my ocd doesnt help im scared of God and afterlife

 

[Blueberry Panic]

My thoughts get violent like ... murder violent sometimes and I take all that energy onto myself

 

[themindian]

Well for me it's like, if I go on as unhappy as I am, I'm just going to run into the same wall that I've been running into. I don't want to give up my dream of my "endless childhood" for retiring at age 29 and choosing to have all the time in the world to play video games, but the fact of the matter is that I am truly unhappy and for a lot of reasons that I know as facts now IT IS NOT MY FAULT FOR BEING UNHAPPY AND IT IS BASICALLY TOTALLY OUT OF MY CONTROL TO ATTAIN HAPPINESS.

So my dillemma is "keep going on with the pain and be unhappy" or "kill myself and go to heaven where I might be happy, EVEN THOUGH THE KEY TO MY HAPPINESS IS SO EASY TO ATTAIN THAT ITS NOT EVEN FUCKING FUNNY"

Its that ANYONE AT ALL could just come over to my house right this second and hug me and hold me.while I'm crying cuz I'm scared of these evil voices that torment me and physically abused me in silence, and I've tried showing my despair in respectful ways in public in hopes that someone would do just that for me. Just hold me while im crying while sitting at a table in a coffee shop. Or just ask me "what's wrong?"

Not a single person would even approach me or do something that for me (ever in my life, I might add) in about 7 years time and it's all I really want at this point is just to confide in, ideally a nice female.

I could provide all the food, hospitality, entertainment, and even a decent amount of money for that to happen for me, and I'm starting to give up hope that it ever will happen cuz,

IM SICK AND TIRED OF WAITING AROUND IN MY HOUSE PLAYING VIDYA HOPING THAT *THIS TIME* ILL MAYBE ENJOY MYSELF, ONLY FOR ME TO GO IN PUBLIC IN HOPES THAT SOMEONE MIGHT COME OVER TO ME ASKING ME ABOUT MY STEAM DECK OR TO ASK ME WHY IM CRYING BECAUSE IVE BEEN TOTALLY ALONE FOR QUITE LITERALLY 7 YEARS STRAIGHT (I haven't even gotten a hug from anyone besides my family for this long)
AND STILL AM.

And that's just scratching the surface as to the FACTS that I've come to know about my situation as to how easy it is to solve my depression and how those factors are TOTALLY OUT OF MY CONTROL despite my EVERY ATTEMPT TO MAKE MYSELF HAPPY WITH THE THINGS THAT I *CAN* CONTROL which IM HERE TO SAY HAVE ALL BUT FAILED.

tldr; it's either keep going on unhappy, or kill myself and go to heaven because Jesus Christ is refusing to send me someone to so much as give me a hug in the 7 years that I've been alone and in pain from my emotional torment that could be solved in, PRACTICALLY 5 MINUTES from any living person at all near me that could provide that for me.
...and that's just ONE factor that's WOULD BE easy for me to attain happiness but is totally out of my control nonetheless.