Does anyone else think about ctb 24/7?

[TheHatedOne]

Yes, I daydream about it so often that I became obsessed. I've already planned a lot of stuff for my final day and I keep playing it in my mind over and over again.

 

[Zakovian331]

I have been thinking about it seriously with different frequency for about 4 years already.
For the last year I'm with no jokes thinking about it every day.

 

[nowayout*]

Everyday all day

 

[tieiwi]

Sometimes I'll get distracted and forget about it then someone will hurt my feelings and the pain comes rushing back.

 

[kannon]

Constantly. I wonder if it might be an addiction in and of itself. To calm myself down I sometimes focus on the fact that death is inevitable, or imagine various ways of dying. But lately I have been feeling I don't want to wait for the inevitable. Each day feels like Groundhog's Day

 

[Chronicillness]

I'm in a suicidal frenzy at least once per day. Reality just hits... HARD, sometimes.

I have to contend with debilitating symptoms 24/7, which leads to near-constant suicidal ideation. I spend most of my time passively suicidal, not actively, mostly because I am near-catatonic with my treatment-resistant anhedonia and depression.

 

[Hirokami]

Yes, I'm in a psycholoigcal hell that is near impossible for me to escape from. I say near impossible because ctb is the only escape I have. Too bad no one irl understands that.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

CTB is always in my mind. I daydream about it the entire day. I don't remember the last time I was free from suicidal thoughts.

Also like Chinsaki said, it is more of a background hum for me.
I know it could get worse, so I am preparing as if it is constant.

 

[8AEM]

Thinking about ctb gives me a dopamine boost.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Not 24/7 but definitely everyday. And it's the pain that's driving it this bad.

 

[Kristicide]

Everyday. I overdosed once (that time was actually by accident compared to the many other times I tried on purpose) and felt myself dying and it felt sooooo peaceful. Unfortunately there was a person at my apt that got scared enough that he called 911. I woke up 12 hours later in the hospital and was so angry he didn't let me just die. I go through different scenarios daily...like maybe I'll jump into traffic on a busy road, stab myself in the stomach, slit my wrists, jump off my 6th floor terrace, swallow tons of pills (never seems to work for me however), mix up chemicals to make hydrogen sulfide gas, buy nitrogen or helium tank and exit bag, even considered consuming some toxic plants that grow in my neighborhood. I even wish sometimes that maybe I'll get hit by a stray bullet (I live in an urban area so it's not out of the realm of possibility). Every day is a physical and mental struggle and I just want out.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Oh yes. Been like that almost my entire life except for a few years here and there. Have gotten so used to thinking about it I have almost gotten into several accidents in the past few months simply because I just don't give a damn. This worries me because I honestly don't want to indirectly cause anyone any type of harm because of my reckless and indifferent attitude towards my well being, but, here I am....

 

[erdbeeren]

Yea for me it's a constant, practically obsessive thought. Literally anything can happen, good or bad, and it somehow makes me think about ctb.

 

[deflationary]

Yes. It would obviously be the best thing for me to do as far as my own wellbeing is concerned, but due to outside circumstances, I can't go through with it anytime soon. So I'm not sure if the thought is even a comfort anymore or just causes even more pointless suffering. There used to be some comfort in it at some point.

 

[Zzzzz]

Yea I can't help it. If Life wasn't so disappointing and underwhelming , maybe wouldn't think about ctb 24/7.

 

[dunedindwell]

Yea, suicidal ideation seems to always be there, like mental furniture or something; ever present, a passive reference point, but also there to engage with and to become activated.

I think it can really corrupt or cripple the process for all sorts of important introspection; for example, when I'm thinking of how I might be able repair damaged relationships in my life I often resign to "oh well, I'll never be able to communicate the pain of suicidal ideation so this person will never be able to understand me and I can't be honest with them" or "when things get hard to do I look for distractions, often that's suicidal ideation which is heavy and painful and doubt stop, therefore I should avoid doing hard things." There's a kind of circular logic there. I think that's the function more than suicide being considered as a viable solution.
Not sure if that makes sense... But I would really like to feel confident that I won't be struggling with it 5 years... Therapy's been okay but rumination still holds a lot of power in my thinking life ...

 

[ondodera]

Not 24/7 but practically, I think about it every single day and don't remember the last time I didn't. When I start to think about it during the day it'll be all I think about for the rest of the day unless I find something to distract myself. It's unfortunate but I can be glad there are others who can sympathize/feel the same.

 

[Ldog9]

Not 24/7 but practically, I think about it every single day and don't remember the last time I didn't. When I start to think about it during the day it'll be all I think about for the rest of the day unless I find something to distract myself. It's unfortunate but I can be glad there are others who can sympathize/feel the same.

Yea its similar for me. I almost always think about it at night when I'm trying to sleep. At my absolute worst, its also the first thing I think about when I wake up. In between, it's just me trying find a distraction.

 

[summers]

CTB is always in my mind. I daydream about it the entire day. I don't remember the last time I was free from suicidal thoughts.

If you're thinking of CTB 24/7, you must be a master at lucid dreaming! What's your secret?

 

[Crazy4u]

If you're thinking of CTB 24/7, you must be a master at lucid dreaming! What's your secret?

I am a master at daydreaming. Lol. I don't like to think about reality so I change events in my head to whatever I see fit!

 

[Ligottian]

Pretty much. Especially thoughts along the line of "What will it take for me to stop thinking about it and actually do it?".

 

[down for the count]

I could definitely have made my younger years better knowing what I know now. However, some things were not preventable and I wouldn't want to experience them again.

 

[Silenos]

It is the goal I'm working towards, so pretty much yeah.